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-   -   Wife is Jealous of Me, But I Still Want A Triad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35497)

blackpixiedust 12-21-2012 06:38 PM

Wife is Jealous of Me, But I Still Want A Triad
 
Hello,
I am new here, and am not sure if I am sending this to the right place, but I'll just go anyway.

So, I'm a 21yo female that met a married couple (man and wife) on OkC about two weeks ago who were looking for a triad with another woman. We all chatted for a good week before we met in person and really clicked with each other. The wife and I are bi and pansexual (in the extent that we value deep connections over sex and looks).

When we met, we pretty much hit it off. I met the wife first and we bonded, and then I met the husband and we bonded and we all got together and spent two whole days together. We did become intimate with each other.

We were supposed to go out on a date yesterday, but at the last minute, the wife texted me saying that she was really jealous and insecure about how much her husband liked me and that they couldn't see me anymore.

I was crushed and hurt because from they were telling me about how the last time they tried this, the husband and the girl didn't click, which caused problems, now she is upset because we clicked too much?

But I really like these people and feel like she gave up on this too soon. I've reserached triads and stuff (this is my FIRST TIME btw) and jealousy and insecurity, esp with two females (and one is the wife) is pretty common.

I know for a fact that I do not want to take him from her. I do not like him over her (although I've never been with a woman, so I don't know how to act around her, I'm new to this, but I like her just as much as I like him), I have no desire for marriage or kids (she is a mom to his kids and her son, they have no kids together). I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future. Pretty much, I respect her role as wife in this relationship, and I ONLY want to be there for both of them as an addition, NOT to replace her or her role.

Now, my problem is: what do I do? Do I text her back? I feel like if we talked about this, it would work out. I know she likes me a lot, and I like her too. BUT that is her husband, so I don't want to intrude with my feelings. It's been almost two days now and also I know they are really busy for Christmas and they have issues going on in their lives that I am not apart of. So, should I barge in with my feelings or just wait for a week or two when I know she is more calm and less stressed-out?

Am I wrong for feeling rejected? I feel so bad that she just let me go like this without ALL of us discussing it first...or at least her saying it to my face and explaining to me EXACTLY what she is insecure/jealous about.

JaneQSmythe 12-22-2012 04:47 AM

Just based on what you have posted, if I were in your position my response to HER would likely be:

"I'm sorry that you are feeling that way. Perhaps could you and I could meet up and talk after the hustle and bustle of the holidays are over. I'm free Jan 4/5/6 for coffee or drinks."

Since she was the one who contacted you, and she is the one with the reservations then I would focus on seeing if that is reconcilable first off.

JaneQ

AphroditeGoneAwry 12-22-2012 05:19 AM

Just move on, with a nice goodbye, and an offer to contact you if things change significantly. Some people just are not hardwired for poly. Meaning they don't really want it badly enough to deal with the difficult emotions it brings.

nycindie 12-22-2012 06:12 AM

I don't think they treated you very nicely. They got to have sex with you and dumped you. Forget them and move on. Why beat a dead horse? Consider it their loss, not yours.

Rjsolo 12-22-2012 01:17 PM

I'm with Nyc. They knew you were looking for more than sex, and this sounds an awful lot like a couple searching for just some threesomes and then on the run. Maybe I'm wrong though.

If you'd really like to keep trying, as others have said, you'll have to go through the wife. I'd try talking to her. One thing I noticed.
Quote:

I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future
Women, I have noticed, have an incredible sixth sense for detecting when someone is just looking to be there "for them" and when someone is looking to be "with them". I don't want to word it as "submissive", because that gives the connotation it's sexual ect--but if she's very territorial, she might be thinking this relationship was going to work with her as the "boss". When you expressed you wanted more, possibly becoming equal, she might have freaked a bit.

Sit down, talk, let her feel you out some more. Be as honest as possible, but what I'd warn you against is being overly "secondary", just to try and please her--if that's not what you want in the long run. You'll only end up hurting yourself. But I have the strongest feeling that is what she wants.

rory 12-22-2012 08:29 PM

Unfortunately, I agree with moving on. Sorry. :( It is the right thing to do when somebody ends it with you. Also, even if you could persuade her to give it another go, do you really want a relationship with somebody who will bail anytime she feels bad and where you need to beg for her to take you back?

Dirtclustit 12-23-2012 07:32 AM

She didn't handle well at all
 
But it happens a lot, and it is definitely more disappointing after things seemed to have gone so well. I don't think a reply would be considered "barging in" however it really sucks that once trouble flares up with emotions and the communication is electronic even if you know someone really well what is really going involves guess work.

It is a shitty when people treat you like that, but it does sound sorta final and if they are going to be that silly about it, you'd be better off not being friends with them.

An understanding reply that may bring them to their mature senses might be,

"Relationships that include intimacy are never roses without thorns often hard enough to keep them healthy just between two people let alone three. You need to feel safe and secure and when you don't something as nice as friendships or as wonderful as Love can damage Us, so I understand if you don't feel safe and secure that you need to make decisions in your life to feel safe. So that Love can remain wonderful. I just want you to know that I would never want to hurt your relationship with your husband. Polyamory simply isn't for everyone and if it is not right for your marriage there is nothing you or anyone else can do that will make it work. The ONLY people who can know whether or not it is right for your marriage, is you and your husband. I really enjoyed my time with both of you and I hope you know that even for spouses whom polyamory does fit into their lives, intimacy is never a flower without thorns. If this is just a thorn, I completely understand and willing to talk. If you are not sure and want to talk about it, just know I want to talk because I want you to feel safe. You should never feel like you need to hide your emotions even when they are not convenient. When you genuinely care about another person you do not want them to go through not feeling safe alone. So if you to talk, just know that I am willing to figure out a way that we all felt safe enough to express how we are feeling, I would want you to feel safe enough to be able to tell me anything. To me that is intimacy, that is my goal with my relationships with people I desire to be close with.

If you know this is not just a thorn, as in you think polyamory would never work in your life, there is nothing that I can do to make you feel safe.

You still come across to me as someone I would want to be close with, but if that is not something that is compatible with your marriage then it that is the way it is. If you know the flower our relationship could bloom into is not something you want, I understand. But I will put on my gardening shoes and do what work is needed to give the plant a chance, if you think you want to try and are just as curious to see if a beautiful flower is possible, let's see what will grow in a three person garden where we are the nutrients. But I will respect your feelings, which communicated a relationship with me is not something you are OK with.

I hope you are well and at that your marriage is always a relationship you will feel safe in. I think everyone deserves to feel safe in their relationships.

Remember there are always reasons for people to smile. You just need to understand those reasons

Happy Holidays

from so and so"



But do not forget the hurt your are currently feeling if she gets over her insecurities, because once this type of thing that is happening because a re-occurring cycle (where they treat you in ways that friends should not treat each other) they are not worth you putting any energy into the relationship. It is good to recognize when others will let cycles like that happen in your relationship because unless you are willing to put up with it, they are not your friend, and I would have no problem severing a relationship with people who do not treat you like a friend, even it is means not saying anything to them and just moving on.

Sorry you are going through this currently

GalaGirl 12-25-2012 08:50 PM

Well, you could call them up after holidays to give an opportunity to talk it out once feelings have had a chance to settle down.

Then you could ALSO consider how would you like to be treated in future? Whether in this polyship or a new one.

Maybe you don't want to get sexual / sexual again before laying your expectations, preferences, and boundaries out to your polyship people first?

Here's what I gathered from your post:

BOUNDARIES/EXPECTATIONS
  • How to deal with feelings like jealousy in this polyship?
  • How to deal with conflict resolution?
  • How you prefer the polyship ends, when that time comes?
  • How you prefer to be broken up with (face to face, after all have had chance to discuss) and not by text.

PREFERENCES
  • That you do not want to take spouses from each other and want to be there as an addition, not replacement.
  • That you have no desire for marriage or kids.
  • That you don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future and be working toward co-primaryship type of open model.

Is there anything else you would add to that? What would they add? What are their concerns?

GL!
Galagirl

Stevenjaguar 12-26-2012 02:31 AM

You're a clear and articulate writer. I think you should text or email her and tell her exactly what you told us. I wouldn't give up and walk away too soon as people sometimes say and do things they later regret. But then they may not be for you. But it never hurts to try.

SchrodingersCat 12-26-2012 05:52 AM

It sounds like she can't deal with jealousy and NRE.

They seem to have unrealistic expectations: that two people can fall in love with a third to exactly the same level, at exactly the same rate. However, it just doesn't work that way.

This couple has a lot of learning to do about polyamory before they'll be ready for what they're trying to accomplish. It's up to you whether you want to be toyed with and taken for granted while they figure that out. I personally wouldn't.

Besides... you're a woman who wants to date a couple? The world is your oyster.


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