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-   -   Wife is Jealous of Me, But I Still Want A Triad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35496)

blackpixiedust 12-21-2012 06:17 PM

Wife is Jealous of Me, But I Still Want A Triad
 
Hello,
I am new here, and am not sure if I am sending this to the right place, but I'll just go anyway.

So, I'm a 21yo female that met a married couple (man and wife) on OkC about two weeks ago who were looking for a triad with another woman. We all chatted for a good week before we met in person and really clicked with each other. The wife and I are bi and pansexual (in the extent that we value deep connections over sex and looks).

When we met, we pretty much hit it off. I met the wife first and we bonded, and then I met the husband and we bonded and we all got together and spent two whole days together. We did become intimate with each other.

We were supposed to go out on a date yesterday, but at the last minute, the wife texted me saying that she was really jealous and insecure about how much her husband liked me and that they couldn't see me anymore.

I was crushed and hurt because from they were telling me about how the last time they tried this, the husband and the girl didn't click, which caused problems, now she is upset because we clicked too much?

But I really like these people and feel like she gave up on this too soon. I've reserached triads and stuff (this is my FIRST TIME btw) and jealousy and insecurity, esp with two females (and one is the wife) is pretty common.

I know for a fact that I do not want to take him from her. I do not like him over her (although I've never been with a woman, so I don't know how to act around her, I'm new to this, but I like her just as much as I like him), I have no desire for marriage or kids (she is a mom to his kids and her son, they have no kids together). I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future. Pretty much, I respect her role as wife in this relationship, and I ONLY want to be there for both of them as an addition, NOT to replace her or her role.

Now, my problem is: what do I do? Do I text her back? I feel like if we talked about this, it would work out. I know she likes me a lot, and I like her too. BUT that is her husband, so I don't want to intrude with my feelings. It's been almost two days now and also I know they are really busy for Christmas and they have issues going on in their lives that I am not apart of. So, should I barge in with my feelings or just wait for a week or two when I know she is more calm and less stressed-out?

Am I wrong for feeling rejected? I feel so bad that she just let me go like this without ALL of us discussing it first...or at least her saying it to my face and explaining to me EXACTLY what she is insecure/jealous about.

Vinccenzo 12-21-2012 06:34 PM

Even in situations where people have generally healthy self esteems, insecurities will pop up eventually. Jealousy will happen eventually. There just isn't much of a chance for everyone in a triad (or more-ad) to feel equally enamored and invested as the others all the time. It isn't realistic to expect this and it is a big part of why the insecurities just naturally come into play at some point.

You could say you're equally invested in both till you're blue in the face but you cannot promise it will stay that way. Not for you or them.

That this stumbling block came into play so quickly and isn't the first time it has for them - you could take it as a sign of them just not being ready for what you're looking for or that they may not really know what it is they are looking for.
Perhaps share with her what you posted here as a second attempt if it will make you feel like you tried your best. However, it could also be seen as a bullet dodge that things didn't work out.

GalaGirl 12-21-2012 09:12 PM

I am sorry you hurt and feel rejected. Sounds like things here moved too fast.

You sound like you could have gotten some expectations on the table at the beginning before becoming lovers with them --
  • I don't mind being a secondary to start so long as it is working toward a co-primary open model.
  • I seek a triad. I don't want to take the husband away. I respect her role as wife in this relationship, and I ONLY want to be there for both of them as an addition, NOT to replace her or her role.
  • I have no desire for marriage or kids.
  • If we end up breaking up, I want ALL of us discussing it first...or at least saying it to my face and explaining to me EXACTLY what she is insecure/jealous about. Not a text break up.

Is there anything else you would add for what you want in a triad relationship? How you want to be treated as a triad partner? We teach others how we want to be treated. That's how I want to be treated.

Gauge where your own willingness lies to continue this, and if willing? Ask where their willingness lies.

You could text her to see if they are willing to talk after new year. Everyone just take a time out over holidays and BREATHE. In the meanwhile, perhaps resources could help you?

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/poly_complex.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

GL!
Galagirl


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