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-   -   A Long Introduction...A Happy One! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35494)

paradigm 12-21-2012 06:05 PM

A Long Introduction...A Happy One!
Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your name? -Jim Morrison

It is most wonderful to be here, in this time and place, sharing this life with you. Here's a little about my life so we can get to know each other better my friend, oh, and you may call me 'Rob'. :D

I grew up in a broken home, ultimately leading me to have serious trust and jealousy issues. I had a fairly standard childhood. Which is to say it appears normal but was anything but. I made it to high school, fell in love with a 'hippy chic' as my friend introduced us. The polar opposite of my Bible Belt upbringing. It was great, until we started trying to fit the mold.

It got bad, codependant bad. We got married, went to college, and it got worse. I was angry, paranoid and suspicious. She lost that sparkle, gained a hundred pounds, and was nearly without the confidence to step out the door.

Bad things happened, betrayal, total invasion of privacy, it was a nightmare. We both dropped out, but were still together, determined to find out what was wrong.

I went to the navy. She went to her parents' in Arizona. We'd talked about poly before, but I wouldn't until I was well. I was sick you see, at the beginning, and eventually my poison spread to her. My insecurity. Cracks in my perception began to happen.

I was not jealous at all of my wife being with a woman, in any way. Why?

I knew that was odd. It didn't hold water. I dug into it.

I knew that nothing could hurt me so bad I wouldn't want to be with her, and she felt the same so what then? If the rules are there to keep it together, what good are they if it can't fail?

This began the changing. Of everything. At first, it was telling each other about crushes. Silly things, but oh so vital. Then, we'd had sex in the room with some good friends, played strip poker with them. Got used to the idea that sex is great, but it was slow going for me. Her confidence returned.She began to treat her body right.

This year, there have been struggles, definition of boundaries unrealized until they got crossed. Basic safety stuff, and some more pacing considerations for me.

But wow! Bottle it and call it life! Nothing long term has resulted, and that's the goal, but we've had so many good things come even from the bad. My wife is down 89 pounds, she feels sexy again, and her love of life is back. I'm trusting, terrified at times, but I just ask, say what I feel and I can count on the support, in turn letting go of a little more of that poison.

We've dated, swung with some close friends, building guidelines and taking steps, looking, sharing and being in love again, with plenty to share.

I'm spellbound as I sit and reflect. Utterly awestruck.

Terrified, excited, full of wonder. I feel like a kid again.

See you all on the boards,

With love,


kdt26417 12-23-2012 12:05 AM

Greetings Rob,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you've traveled a long journey to get to where you are today. I'm glad to hear things are so much better between you and your wife. Keep taking small steps together, and I'm sure you'll come out well.

There's a lot of good threads here, so take your time and explore our site thoroughly. It's good to meet you here.

Kevin T.

JaneQSmythe 12-23-2012 01:37 PM


Originally Posted by paradigm (Post 173251)
I'm spellbound as I sit and reflect. Utterly awestruck.

Terrified, excited, full of wonder. I feel like a kid again.

See you all on the boards,

With love,


Hello Rob, and welcome to the forums.

Whew - sounds like a long road and a lot of personal growth (for each of you) has happened to get you where you are right now. Congratulations!

"Terrified, excited, full of wonder." Wow, yes! The road ahead is not necessarily going to be smooth but is likely to be navigable. Communication, trust, self-awareness - from what I read in your post it sounds like your foundation has been strengthened through your trials. Go slow and be tender with each other...and enjoy the next leg of your journey together.

Read and explore the forums - lots of good stuff here (you may want to check out the Golden Nuggets thread). Feel free to jump into threads/discussions in progress. You might also be interested in starting a blog in our "Lifestories and Blogs" forum if writing out things helps you as you navigate the bumps in the road.

Best Wishes.


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