Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Really need some help and advice please! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3545)

BadLucyLiu 08-23-2010 12:13 PM

Really need some help and advice please!
Hi, I'm new and in need of help please.

I have been with my husband in a mono relationship for 23 years.

He has had a fantasy of us having a 3-some with another woman and also another man at seperate times.

I didn't persue this as I have self esteem issues and didn't feel able to.

However, I eventually broached the subject with a close female friend, who I feel comfortable with and she agreed to think about it.

At the weekend, my husband and I were making love and ended up instigating text sex with my female friend.

He found this very arousing and so did she. Boyed with our success, He encouraged me to broach the subject with a guy I'd been chatting to online.

The guy was intrigued, but unsure if he could do it, so suggested we have phone sex first.

I've never done this before, so was nervous, but my husband agreed, as long as he was present.

We arranged to do it that night and I spent the day in a constant anxious/nervous, but excited state.

When the time came, the guy took the initiative and began talking to me. My husband became aroused watching my reaction, but it began to go wrong, because I followed the guys direction explicitly, rather than using my imagination and ended up straddling my husband and climaxing. I think it was a combination of nerves, anxiety and alcohol, which affected me and made me respond almost desperately.

My husband was enjoying it, but was upset that I had become aroused so quickly, as I don't with just him.

The other guy ended the call without climaxing and I felt terrible, as he was doing this for us.

My husband agreed that I could call him back and hopefully help him to climax, but I needed to do it alone, so that I didn't feel as awkward.

After reluctantly agreeing, I went downstairs and ended up chatting with this guy for over an hour before we got down to the phone sex.

It was much better the second time, as the guy had rushed the first time due to nerves.

Unfortunately, my husband didn't like feeling left out and has now informed me that it was only his intention for me to find someone to have a casual encounter with and that would be the end of it.

But I have discovered that I loved having the phone sex and want to make it a regular thing.

This has caused all sorts of problems as my husband doesn't like phone sex, or dirty talk during sex. He just isn't comfortable doing it. He feels jealous that I am getting pleasure from another man that he, himself, cannot give me.

I have discovered that I cannot have any form of sex outside my marriage, without making a connection with the other person first, which I have with this guy. He makes me feel relaxed and safe and comfortable.

My husband now feels he has opened pandoras box and doesn't know what to do.

He still wants to have the 3-somes and wants to try and work through this problem together, but I am very worried, as it has affected him physically and he is having trouble climaxing and maintaining an erection.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship and are more concerned about hurting each other.

Am I poly because I want phone sex? Obviously, it is classed as a 'form' of sex, but I don't know if I come under the classification of being 'poly'.

Any suggestions, tips or advice would be much appreciated, as I don't want to give up this new relationship with the other guy, but I love my husband to bits.

Magdlyn 08-23-2010 12:20 PM

Yes, your husband (and you) did open a Pandora's Box. But he has a misunderstanding about your sexual feelings. He ASSumed you could have sex without emotions. Casual sex, with someone's body (or voice) merely, no emotions attached.

Maybe some people can do sex like this, with no emotions, like robots. Many of us can't.

SourGirl 08-23-2010 03:46 PM

All this sex, does not make you 'poly'. Phone, sexting in bed,..thats not poly, thats just broadening your sexual horizons at best.

What potentially makes you poly-minded, is your discovery of needing a connection with another person, before being able to think about sex.

As for the rest of it,..your husband and you have rushed things. Slow down. It`s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment because things feel good. Unfortunately once all those feel-good horny moments pass, many people start thinking about the actuality of what they have done.

Anything new and unknown in life, is going to stir up doubt. Wether its a new hobby, a new house, or a new way of living. Swinging, Poly, Sex is no different. Acknowledge this. Help your husband to acknowledge all the doubts, and talk about working your way through them, instead of letting doubts control your life.
Do you let doubts stop you from buying a car ? a house ? changing careers ? Most of us weigh the odds of such things, and it becomes job/house/car specific. The 'right' deal makes us move forward.

If you need a connection with a person, but this scares your husband as he only wanted casual sex,..then you two could slow down, and start out just making the right 'deal' with each other.

Friendship,...to start,.??.but nothing more,...etc,....Who knows ?,..That is up to you two to decide.

As for the climaxing so quickly......tell him in a nice, wifey, loving way, to get over it. You were doing something new and titilating and your body responded to it. He`ll know exactly how that feels the first time another woman touches him again. He`ll have a 'lighbulb' moment when that happens. ( Do not rush out and have a 3some to prove this,..please.)

If it doesn`t, tell him to buy a new toy to use on you, and watch the same thing happen. Its natural for our bodies to respond to the rush and excitement of something new.

Random thoughts,..all I can think of for now. Good Luck !

marksbabygirl 08-23-2010 05:04 PM


Originally Posted by BadLucyLiu (Post 41343)
My husband now feels he has opened pandoras box and doesn't know what to do.

Luckily, we have a very strong relationship and are more concerned about hurting each other.

I can so relate to that. I opened the box - and now *I* am the one having issues. We are also in a similar situation where we don't want hurt each other.

It has been said a couple times on this forum that the situation should go as slow as the one with the most difficulties. In this case, your husband. He also needs to be very open with his feelings and what's going on for him.

It is, for me, an odd situation to have WANTED this - and now my whole being is fighting it... because I still do want it.


GroundedSpirit 08-23-2010 07:16 PM

Hey Lucy,

I agree with Superjast in that this really has little or nothing to do with 'poly as such - at least yet.

But exploring sexuality between 2 or more people is always kind of opening that box. Our sexuality is a complex thing and not a lot of people are aware of that because of the lack of frank (or Frankie) discussion of sex in our culture. We talk all around the really important stuff - avoid that when possible.

And what happens ? Just as you discovered !
In a lot of cases when we discover a partners true sexual inclinations or preferences/kinks, if they don't resonate with us personally we get scared !
Are we no longer compatible ? Yikes !

In most cases, it doesn't mean that at all. Despite the new discoveries, it's highly likely that we still have mutual sexual interests/turn ons.

But what it DOES mean is that now we have to release some fear, along with some strange ideas about being the be all / end all to anyone in a sexual manner. There may be some areas of their sexuality that we either don't belong in or really aren't comfortable in.

And that perfectly OK !! Really. It is.

But we're not taught that and don't talk about it. But if you can get over that wall you actually reach a whole new higher level of connection with that person. You become a partner in helping them explore who they really are at a core level. And that type of sharing in most cases, if it's genuine, moves a relationship to a whole new level.

So I suggest being open minded and partnering with her in her explorations. As hopefully she will in your direction !


redpepper 08-24-2010 09:34 PM

There is some really good comments here. It seems that after a night, or whatever of casual sex, some people, who are newbies to it and just figuring out who they are, get that "OMG WHAT HAVE I DONE" feeling. Its a body feeling as much as a mind feeling, kind of of dread and guilt, and anxiety and excitment at the same time. I see it as similar to a hang over in that its a day after kind of thing. It takes some time to sort out feelings and allowing ones body to settle. There is an energy release when the culmination of fantasy becomes reality and it can be exhausting.

I would suggest just relaxing and letting it settle before moving on. See what comes of it and what new things you've bothe discovered. There is no rush. Explore all the options and realize that you are different people with different desires and needs. Please don't do something that you know will be uncomfortable and if you do, don't do it again and learn about yourself from the experience.

BadLucyLiu 08-25-2010 09:30 AM

It's been great reading everyone's comments. Things came to a head yesterday and I can honestly say that it was the worst day of my married life.

My husband fell to pieces and admitted that his feelings have spiralled out of control. He feels a huge amount of guilt and regret that he asked me to do this in the first place, which has caused me to discover that I want to have phone sex with another man.

If it was a complete stranger, he would be able to deal with it. What he can't deal with, is the fact that I have made friends with this other man.

We have decided to shelve the idea of having the 3some and he has asked me not to have phone sex for the moment.

But he doesn't want to take everything away from me, so said it would be okay for me to chat to this guy online, either through the forum, private messages or email, or Yahoo.

He knows that we will be having explicit conversations and he is going to try and relax about it.

The one great thing to come out of all of this, is the realisation that we love each other very much. After 23 years, things can become a little complacent and we feel very close to each other now, even more than before.

I hope that he can wrap his head around the knowledge that although I want to continue the phone sex with this other guy, it doesn't mean that I love my husband any less, or that I am going to want the phone sex more than I want my husband.

I guess only time will tell. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I cannot lie, I want to be selfish, I want them both.

redpepper 08-25-2010 04:41 PM

Maybe he would benefit from doing some reading and discussing. Perhaps if he knew some of the concepts of poly and having an open relationship it will help him deal with what has come up.

Tonberry 08-25-2010 07:16 PM

It seems to me he was hoping for something more like swinging and it evolved in something more like poly, which made him feel insecure. I agree with RP that learning more about polyamory (and more specifically how it doesn't mean he's inadequate or not good enough, or anything like that) would probably help him.
Then you can see how he feels about it and whether he'll be fine with your connection with other men or not.

Quath 08-26-2010 05:35 AM

One of the advantages of polyamory (or swinging) is that it takes away the burden of having to try to be everything for your partner. For example, I know couples who got into swinging because one was heavily into BDSM while the others was not interested. Everyone gets the needs met and no one is doing something they rather not do.

To a lesser extent, it is true of other things like going to a movie (I don't like chick flicks so my wife has a friend who goes with her to see those) or resturants (I don't like Indian food, but another friend of my wife does).

Your hurband should check out NRE and that may help him understand that your reaction is not a rejection or reflection on him.

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:39 PM.