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-   -   Primary depressed, cancel date? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35326)

Viola89 12-18-2012 08:08 PM

Primary depressed, cancel date?
 
Hi There!

I have a question. My primary and I live together, and he is feeling a bit depressed due to the holidays. I'm leaving on Thursday morning to visit my family up in NY for ten days, but he sadly cannot come with me. He is feeling bummed that he does not get to be with his family or me this christmas, and that he cannot get his kids the gifts he wants to (we just moved into a new place and have been pouring all our money into actually getting things functional and settling in since we moved from San Francisco).

Tomorrow night is our weekly date night, but I also set up a date for tonight last week. It is my first date since my partner and I moved to New Orleans, and I'm pretty excited about it. I'm pondering if I should cancel it or not to be there for him. I know he says he wants me to go no matter how he feels, but I feel a guilty for going out and having fun when my primary is not in the best place. I know he does not want me to miss fun things because of him, but I really do not mind staying if he would like me to.

Has anyone else been in this place before?

HimAndHerInBP 12-18-2012 09:13 PM

I would say skip the date, provided this isn't the norm. When someone you care about deeply is down, you should be there for them. And, while I cannot speak directly for anyone but myself, I would not enjoy the date nearly as much knowing someone who could use my company is home alone. The date can be done another time I would assume. And you'll likely be in a better place mentally then.

sparklepop 12-18-2012 09:30 PM

How long ago did you move to N.O.? Is tomorrow your weekly date night with your boyfriend, you mean? Then you have a first date with someone new tonight?

I can't really tell you what you 'should' do - but I can tell you what I would do!

I would probably stay, if it were me. But everyone reacts differently. My girlfriend would probably go out. You could always have a middle ground? Make the date really short, or something similar?

If you cancelled, what would happen? Would you have to leave the date until after the New Year? Would that be a problem for you?

Viola89 12-18-2012 10:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklepop (Post 172817)
How long ago did you move to N.O.? Is tomorrow your weekly date night with your boyfriend, you mean? Then you have a first date with someone new tonight?

I can't really tell you what you 'should' do - but I can tell you what I would do!

I would probably stay, if it were me. But everyone reacts differently. My girlfriend would probably go out. You could always have a middle ground? Make the date really short, or something similar?

If you cancelled, what would happen? Would you have to leave the date until after the New Year? Would that be a problem for you?

I probably would have to put it off until after the new year.

We moved to N.O. at the beginning of November, just after the election, but we just got our own place last week. We were crashing at a friends place and job hunting, etc.

It is tricky because I cannot tell if he would rather have the alone time, or if he just does not want to ask me to cancel. I think I shall probably make it short and come home and do something he likes with him. I hope I can cheer him up a bit. I made his favorite ice tea so it is there when he gets home from work, and I unpacked almost the entire living room so he does not have to worry about it. We shall see.

Thanks for the advice!

FullofLove1052 12-19-2012 12:19 AM

I would ask him how feels and see if he really wants to be alone or what. If it were me, I would put the date off until a later point. The holidays are bad enough, but when the one you love is thousands of miles away for an extended period of time, and you're in a new place, it doesn't make for the best holiday season. Maybe you and your partner can go on a date before you leave.

Perhaps you can cut the date short or have a lunch date with the lucky person. Do what feels right in your heart. I know I wouldn't be able to enjoy if my DH was at home and feeling sad. Good luck with everything, and fingers crossed for a successful date--whenever it happens! :)

nycindie 12-19-2012 03:25 AM

He's a grown man - he'll be fine. Go and enjoy yourself, come home earlyish if it feels right to do so, and then giving him kind, loving attention afterwards.


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