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-   -   And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3522)

Indigomontoya 08-20-2010 08:22 PM

And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)
 
So I've finally got around to this blog. Can't help but be reminiscent of Doogie Howser M.D. with the journal entries...

I guess I am poly now. Which is odd, I don't feel poly, still have all the same relationship wants and needs as mono...or maybe I am mono with a poly partner...I don't know. If I want TP, then I guess I have to want poly...or I guess I have to be mono and tolerate poly.

Sometimes I don't know if I am cut out for it. I've struggled (and overcome) a lot of my own insecurities.. Used to be jealous...still kind of am at times, still clench my jaw when I think TP is spending too much time on her damn phone to Mr. A; but I sat and joked with the guy over fish and chips and bonded over geeky video games, south park quotes, and Doctor Who. So it can't be all bad right? and I am loath to not like the guy, TP loves him and she loves me, so her judgement isn't flawed (I'd like to think) and he has been nothing but accommodating.

As for my poly experience, I've got no problem attracting the ladies (everything sounds creepier if you say ladies after it)...why wasn't it this easy in high school? damnit. problem is keeping them...or keeping them and having them accept me as a poly option...I swear I am going to have more female friends than I know what to do with...because that's what's happening...women don't want to share, Learn to share well with others! it's kindergarten rules people! having a female friend you are attracted to is like having $19.95 in the bank and looking at your ATM card...I get angry about it a lot, not down on myself, just frustrated about it...I want poly, or maybe I want a Unicorn (a unicorn is just a horse with a plunger on it's head) or valley of the dolls...gotta get me a valley of the red bikini dolls...yeah...and the clock strikes 4:30..home time.

Indigomontoya 08-20-2010 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 30977)
I used the words "ethical non-monogamy"

I think you just became my hero for creating that term.

That is such a great thread Mono. I really like the idea of using relatable terms to explain what Poly means, I think in the past I had tried to explain it and got bogged down as you said "by definitions" rather than explaining it in such a way that can be understood.

I had posted in the 'Coming Out' thread about dropping the 'P-Bomb' (TP's words) on women I am interested in.

I have tried all the advice from that thread: posted in my POF profile, not posting and saying right away, waiting until they have seen who I am as a person and then send them an email along the lines of "I really enjoyed our didn't want to mislead you..." and used the term "committed, non-manogamous relationship"

So I have tried multiple approaches; and received hate mail for posting in my profile and the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog

TruckerPete 08-20-2010 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya (Post 41033)
maybe I want a Unicorn (a unicorn is just a horse with a plunger on it's head)

"That's not a unicorn - that's an ass with a plunger stuck on its head!"

Indigomontoya 08-21-2010 11:02 PM

So TP just left to spend time with her boyfriend. It was going above and beyond generous of me, since we had agreed on 2 nights a week out limit, and I gave her this third one; mainly because I was going out with an old friend from high school.

Well the old friend cancelled because she was too hung over still from a surprise kegger in honour of another friend from high school completing her masters. So I am left in a very quiet house with all the animals and my own meandering thoughts.

Tonight was a gray area in terms of it I had a date or not. Mainly because the friend found me on POF, and I had noticed her profile but not looked at it because what information was there wasn't comparable to her Facebook profile since she's on my fb too. Is my radar really that bad?

Anyway, TP and I were talking about it, and about another girl who gave me the 'I can't share' line but still seems interested. I had told her we had made plans to take our dogs to the dog park this week, to which TP replied "You move so fucking slow!" this outright pissed me off, because it's my pace and my life. I'm not a 'closer' even when I had never heard of Poly I was not a 'closer' I have fallen ass backwards into most of the relationships I've been in.

that brings me to the idea that maybe I think I am not cut out for Poly because I just don't feel like I can get someone else. That's kind of contradicted by the fact I currently speak with, having attracted them and most have gone to the not sharing phase (first initials) K, L, C, L, S, and A. So it's back to the presentation question...how do I do it and not drive women away?

on a tangent to end this, I am completely good with TP going out, didn't phase me in the least....so yay for progress.

sage 08-21-2010 11:34 PM

Hi
I think we're a bit similar to you guys. My partner Z is poly and I have been mono but have decided that in a long term relationship with a poly, it is going to be much more fun and easier to give poly a go myself.

He was getting very discouraged like you. Has a long distant OSO but wants a local one. Like you heaps of women, none of who want to share. All looking for one on one life partners.

Anyway, suddenly last week a poly popped up on his radar. And even better, a bi-sexual one, so yay for me too. We've text and chatted on line and all seems really good. Meeting up for lunch in a few hours.

So there you go, patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, hang in there.:)

ImaginaryIllusion 08-22-2010 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sage (Post 41126)

So there you go, patience is a virtue, good things come to those who wait, hang in there.:)

I'm going to echo this statement. It certainly can take a long while to find the right women. There's some that don't want to share, but don't mind stealing...and there's some that never want to be cheated on, but don't mind sharing as a mistress so long as the wife/SO is in the dark. And somehow poly and honest communication gets somehow painted as wierd or immoral. I don't get it either.

Eventually there will be those who are ok with it. And personally I found being very frank about the situation from the start saves a lot of time in finding out who's even up for the possibilities...and then I'll spend the time to see if we click.

But that's just me.

sage 08-22-2010 01:30 AM

yep, poor Z has had to find all this out too (imaginary illusion). One woman said to him that his talking about intimacy and love was "just creepy...best to have sex first and see what happens"

He did a big online profile about polyamory, what he wanted and us. It's taken him three weeks and this is a very sparsely populated area by world standards. His advice is that your best bet is bi-sexual women, they seem more open and often want to love a man and a woman at the same time.

Good Luck

TruckerPete 08-22-2010 02:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya (Post 41124)
to which TP replied "You move so fucking slow!" this outright pissed me off, because it's my pace and my life.

Ah, I am still sorry for that one. It's your slower pace that allows you to put up with a fiancée who most closely resembles a squirrel, strung out on meth. You ground me, my love. :)

Can I rephrase it to "They move so fucking slow??" Don't they know what they're missing out on?? :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya (Post 41124)
on a tangent to end this, I am completely good with TP going out, didn't phase me in the least....so yay for progress.

*hug* Thank you. The extra time was greatly appreciated by both of us, and it's only better knowing you're not sitting at home feeling crappy.

Indigomontoya 08-23-2010 01:00 PM

So an odd little quirk ninjaed my brain this morning that I wasn't expecting...well not a quirk, and not a full on insecurity really...I don't know how to describe it. But TP has said many times over the past week/weekend that she's happier than she has been in long time. Now I will take full credit for my part in this, she has her's as well, but (keeping with the title), the third is Mr. A.

I guess I can handle the physical intimacy, just shower and I will 'remark my territory'. The emotional intimacy I am dealing with; she loves Mr. A, love is not a finite resource, and she has become quite good at not making me feel secondary, or unfairly treated. But the fact that she is getting happiness from someone other than me made my reptile brain do a turn. I guess I am just adjusting, but it goes back to feeling inadequate and therefore she needs a boyfriend to fill the void I leave wanting...I know this isn't the case, but hey my reptile brain doesn't know anything but Id and flight or fight...so my reptile brain is telling me something is wrong because I am not doing, saying, or being something that she needs...and that stabs into my own confidence and insecurity issues. It will resolve itself like the other two have, but just an odd little bit of insecurity as the reptile brain adjusts.

On a side note, I think I am getting a little callous with who I talk to online...Apparently a very attractive blond woman knows my name, and I have no two sweet clues who she is, where I know her from, or any idea where to begin looking to figure it out...I guess my throw shit against the wall method of contact early on has come back to bite me in the ass.

IM

TruckerPete 08-23-2010 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya (Post 41349)
TP has said many times over the past week/weekend that she's happier than she has been in long time. Now I will take full credit for my part in this, she has her's as well, but (keeping with the title), the third is Mr. A.

Let's not forget the biggest, and probably main contributors to this feeling ... Diving for the past week (with you) and pushing through my social anxiety and going out (TWICE!!) with (NEW!!) people.

I was just talking with Ken last week about how he and I have such a hard time making new friends because we feel like we have to constantly filter ourselves. Clearly these new people in our lives can handle the whole Trucker Pete experience.

We bonded. I feel accepted. That second one is a strange feeling to be sure.


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