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-   -   How do you handle that "first time"? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3521)

X-User1335 08-20-2010 04:21 PM

How do you handle that "first time"?
And by first time, I mean the first time that your SO is with someone else sexually without you there?

In our situation we're a triad so we all share and share alike. I have mixed feelings on her and him being alone.

I do want it for them. I know it'll make them that much closer. I know it'll build their relationship that much more. I know it's a good thing.

I also know I'll be jealous!! Not to the point that I won't want them to, because I very much do. More along the lines of I have it planned that I'll have a few beers and take my butt to bed that night. :)

Anyway, I'm just wondering how everyone else has handled the green monster.

PS...yes I'll have time with her alone also, it's not that, it's more just a question to see how everyone deals with the first encounter of jealousy.

NeonKaos 08-20-2010 04:44 PM


Originally Posted by jennjuice (Post 41009)
I also know I'll be jealous!! Not to the point that I won't want them to, because I very much do. More along the lines of I have it planned that I'll have a few beers and take my butt to bed that night. :)

How about going out, to a movie, or shopping, or to dinner with a friend? That way you're not moping around drunk trying to not pay attention to the heavy breathing and bumping going on in the next room.

I mean, shit, I don't know what your living quarters are like, but it seems to me that you're beating yourself up unnecessarily if you stay there and have to drink yourself to sleep in order to deal with it. Go drinking somewhere else, and have a GOOD time instead of a tolerable time.

Besides, how will you feel when the tables are turned, if your man was inches or feet away under the same roof wishing he could go in there and join you.

Get yourself out of the house the first time, then talk about it afterwards. Eventually, it won't be that big of a deal.

I must say that it surprises me that you haven't had sex with each other separately already. I thought your relationship was stable and "normalized". But then again, I don't read every single thread on here so I'm probably just under-informed of my own fault.

X-User1335 08-20-2010 05:01 PM

I really don't write everything, so even if you did read all of my threads you wouldn't know everything, know what I mean? ;)

But yeah, I see your point. A movie and hanging out with a friend the "first time" is a very good idea.

And since it hasn't happened yet who knows, I may not even have any twinge of jealousy at all. That's what I'm hoping for anyway.

Jealousy is a normal feeling though. People do experience it and I know I need to not expect myself to not feel it...........but still, I am hoping I won't.

Anyone have any stories to share about jealousy?

sage 08-20-2010 07:20 PM

Jealousy stories
@ Jenjuice re interesting jealousy stories. You're in luck, I wrote mine up on my blog .

At the time I was a total mess but I now see it as a kind of "jealousy crisis". I've felt jealousy since but never as bad. This happened over two years ago and I can still relate to the feelings but I can also see some humor in it now.

Can anyone else relate to a "jealousy crisis"? When you're hit by it like an emotional ton of bricks and all rational thought goes flying out the window?

X-User1335 08-20-2010 09:21 PM

Sage that was a great read. Not because you went through that pain but it does show that most people go through some form of jealousy in this type of relationship. I do have to say that I don't think mine will ever be like that because no matter what I can always go hop in the middle! LOL!

I don't think I could do this any other way. Thankfully none of us want to.

I commend you so much for writing that and sharing it. It couldn't be easy to even dredge those memories back up of your pain. :(

I was stuck to it like I was when I first read Twilight! LOL! I'm really happy the weekend ended up the way it did, and that those texts were in fact deleted. Thank you again for sharing this with me!

MonoVCPHG 08-20-2010 09:37 PM

Maybe there is too much focus on the idea of the first time or knowing the specific day it happens. I have no idea when Redpepper and Derby became physical. All I needed to know is that they were exploring an intimate relationship. If they were doing that then I naturally assumed sexual activity will occur. The details and times of that activity are not something I need or want to know..it's between them. (I'm a bit of a privacy nut to the point of assuming everyone feels the same about intimate details LOL. I realize not everyone has the same sense of ownership over experiences and info.)

The same idea applies to her other love (tertiary is the word I guess but it lacks in meaning), they have been sexual in the past and probably will be in the future; he's with a mono girlfriend right now so they are "on hold". I don't need to know when they resume the physical aspect of their relationship nor do I want to know...I just know it is part of that relationship.

Now Polynerdist is a different story all together! While I certainly don't need to know every time they have sex, I do like hearing that they are enjoying a healthy and exciting sex life.

I remember when my ex wife went to a mutual friends house to possibly explore a sexual relationship with her. I helped her get ready and held the door for her. After 10 minutes of thinking "wow, she's gonna have sex with another woman!" I got sick and had a horrible night. Perhaps if I hadn't of focussed so much on that particular night and we hadn't made such a big deal of what was planned to happen I would have been much better.

I hope some of this made sense...gotta go pick RP's son up and get camping!!

sage 08-21-2010 12:00 AM


Thanks for the nice feedback.:D

I totally agree with you re triads. I decided that our relationship would be easier on me if I was not so tied up with be mono. I initially investigated having a relationship with another guy but he really had no idea about polyamory, all the usual "my wife doesn't understand me" crap. He was just looking for a "poly, get out of jail free card".

But good news is we may have found ourselves a unicorn!! Lots of really good communication online and via text and we're all meeting up tomorrow.

Oh and I was thinking about this while gardening and I realized that one of the reasons I had this jealousy crisis was because neither of us really knew what the hell we were doing. A good understanding of polyamory should mitigate a lot of jealousy pain.

Big Smiles

X-User1335 08-21-2010 06:01 PM

I agree with you Sage when you say that a good understanding of poly will help the jealousy feelings.

I also believe that a whole lot of talking with deminsh those thoughts and feelings also. The three of us have talked until we are blue in the face about anything like this ever coming up. We all three promised to each other that if any one of us ever do feel this way, no matter what the others are doing, they will stop in their tracks and talk to the person feeling outed. I know I never want my husband or my girlfriend to feel bad in any way, and if I can prevent it I will. Lucky for me they feel the same about each other and me.

I'm a big talker. I think if you lay it all out there, have no surprises, etc that you can get through about anything. I have to be mentally preped to deal with certain things. I'm weird like that. ;)

NeonKaos 08-21-2010 06:16 PM

There is a whole thread on here dedicated to discussion of jealousy, jealousy versus envy, etc. as well as lots of threads that are tagged with "jealousy" as a search term. Start here:



Majikdancer 08-21-2010 08:32 PM

I haven't really had to face this too much. Most of the time A and I have either been in triads, one long term. and even then it was me and the other or all of us together when it came to sex. (they did spend a lot of time together out of bed, and I am sure there was some physical affection, or at least I hope there was. I will have to ask A.) Or Vish relationships with me as the hinge.

Only once has A been the hinge in a V and it was extremely short lived. We had led up to it for months online. When they finally managed to get together rl it happened to line up with my semi-annual trek 3000 miles with kids to see my parents. I was so busy I didn't have time to do much more than call him twice a day to check in. Never even thought about worrying about it. Very shortly after that she (lady A was with) had a very serious health crisis. It stopped everything but friendship and love (no sex of any kind cold) we stayed in touch until she passed away. Hard emotionally but not in the same way.

But I have never had to face me sitting at home, alone, wondering about it. I will have to think about that. I want to think I would be fine. Hmm

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