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-   -   Continued pain.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3519)

cattwoman 08-19-2010 04:33 PM

Continued pain....
So the drama in my "relationship" is continuing... I put relationship in quotes because while the title is there... and the feelings its not much of a relationship.... (there's a previous thread that explains the sticky situation).

Basically I gave A (wife) time to deal with her emotional problems-a "break" wasn't exactly what I really wanted but she was interested in seeking professional help for her depression and issues and I wanted to respect her needs and give her the space needed to do this. She had appts with a psychiatrist and a therapist and she even told them about our relationship and told them she wanted to work on her feelings towards it. I was pleased to see that she was genuinely making an attempt. She sent me a fb message and even said that she wanted to work on things.... This was almost 3 weeks ago. T (hubby) and I have continued out texting relationship primarily when he is working... This has all started to take a tremendous toll on me emotionally. I have this "relationship" that has all the definitions of a relationship but none of the emotional benefits-he and I talk about our feelings etc but there's been no physical contact in over a month.. And no its not just physical but the distance is starting to weigh very heavily on me. Even worse she has taken such an absent role in it that-I do feel like we are emotionally cheating because at this point she is almost non-existent (by her choosing). It is also effecting my feelings for her-with her absent my feelings for her have dwindled to mutual friendship and respect.

A major problem is that there has been no progress-I found out the other night that she has stopped therapy. Apparently she told the therapist that she had asked him to stop the relationship but for selfish reasons and she wanted to work through them.... They in turn replied that T should have respected her feelings about it and since he didn't..... The also want her to focus on her happiness and how she can be happy... insert therapist babel here. Now she has decided that she wants to deal with things on her own bc she didnt like what they had to say. Now I do believe that the therapist prob did tell her to focus on her happiness, etc but it frustrates me that when she heard something that she didn't want to hear that she wants to give up... Therapy is hard work-your not going to hear what you want to hear. Its a process. Im frustrated most that I want her to get the help she needs (not from a selfish standpoint but bc I see how unhappy she is-she really really needs this!!!). The other irritating thing is that I had no clue that she had said she wanted this/us to stop. I have always told them both that I get it if her feelings for this have changed-I would have walked away long before if that were the case... Now I'm emotionally involved and I do love him and now I'm getting hurt bc she now is admitting to "change of heart"....
Even worse T told me the other night that they have had a long time to work on their marriage and that maybe they just aren't meant to be and that he wont be happy without me and that she might be happier wo him.... Puts a lot of stress on me-I KNOW I need to leave (she has lots of things to work out and her feelings towards me hasn't changed and she is no longer seeking the appropriate help needed to deal with all of her issues-not just me) but my feelings for him keeps pulling me back in... I do love him. I don't want to break up a marriage-that has never been my intention. I worry that if I do leave that he has told me that he can no longer be happy without me in his life. I worry that if I do leave that he will eventually leave her-I end up that evil mistress despite leaving for unselfish reasons. (not to mention that emotionally I feel like I'm getting my teeth kicked in wo being able to have him in my life the way I want it).
Im thinking about sending her a message asking to talk-that I want to know where things are with her. I need to know if her feelings have changed and this is no longer what she wants then I NEED TO KNOW-If thats the case I would have left a long time ago before I completely fell in love with him. I know that if I loose him it will be very difficult but I will make it... but the constant ups and downs is tearing me up. I just dont know how she will respond to me... And I know that at this point I have nothing to loose... Just scared of the truth and what the consequences are....

SourGirl 08-19-2010 08:41 PM

Just scared of the truth and what the consequences are....

^^That line there says it all.

You are not responsible for his life, nor hers. ( He can`t be happy without you in his life? Sure he can. Would he be heartbroken, and grieve the loss ? Sure. At some point he`d start combing his hair again. Thats what Healthy people do.)

THEY are responsible for the well being of their own marriage.

- Care for them, but not at your own expense.
- Don`t take the weight of their world on your shoulders.
- Love smartly.

My best to you. :)

cattwoman 08-19-2010 11:42 PM

Thanks Superjast... I logically understand all that you say but the disconnect between the heart and the brain isn't there.... I really envy the lion from the Wizard of OZ!! I just get so annoyed bc both T and A act like I shouldn't have any feelings or emotions about this. Its like her feelings trump mine-and to an extent she IS the wife and I get that but I really do feel that as a gf I have been nothing but respectful of her feelings and wants. That I came into this relationship under the premise that it was acceptable and desired that I would have feelings for them both. I can not help that my feelings for him is greater than my feelings for her (primarily bc he is open to love and affection and she kept closing me out and he reciprocates it). Now I feel like I am being punished for my feelings for him and that that she feels I shouldn't be hurt or upset with her struggles and how they effect our relationship. I feel like she entered into this relationship under the premise of all of us sharing feeling for one another and when things didn't go her way she is going to pull the plug on it-only after allowing my feelings to develop and deepen. I can't decide if that is a selfish thought or not... Am I wrong for feeling that??

I have told her multiple times that I understand if this isn't what she expected (her husband falling in love with me) and that I would leave-despite it hurting like hell... And I do mean that-but please do not continue to string me along just to take it away.... I told T today-in the past I was very reluctant to allow my feelings for him. I held back so long bc in my mind I knew that this would happen. He broke me down with his love and now Ive tasted it and left wanting more....

SourGirl 08-20-2010 04:51 PM

For the record,..I am NOT suggesting, or pushing you to break up and back away. Only you can decide that. I try to examine things from a 360 degree view many times...So there is my disclaimer. ;)

When you speak of disconnect between the brain and the heart, you are right, it`s just not there. I have felt this way before too. What I have discovered is, ( if I truly knew it was best) I had to live it, and go through the motions first, before that became my 'new normal'.

I tend to err with logic rather then emotion in times of upheaval. So for me, when I had a hard time disconnecting, I looked at how many days/months it took me to 'fall' for that person. For me, it was 3 months. I then gave myself 3 months to learn to disconnect. Logic being, however long it took me to fall in, it would take me that long to crawl out. It was not etched in stone, but it gave me a starting point, and a goal.

I did not make myself try and 'get over' him. Instead, I accepted the fact I would need to love that person from afar. I would always, care, but being in each others life was out of the question. Great thing with being poly, is we don`t have to quit loving someone, in order to invite someone new into our lives.

I really feel for you in your secondary position. While I do believe extensively in a primary/secondary relationship, I read all the heartache secondaries go through, and really feel for many of them. So much is expected of a secondary, and so little in return sometimes. You are right, that it is truly unfair that you held back, and when you did finally let yourself love, you are not reaping the benefits of that love.
It sounds like she wants to be fair, and wants to invite you in, but her fear and her 'demons' are stopping all that. The relationship is catering to fears, rather then working through them and progressing.

I think poly relationships are always going to be a real uphill battle, when dealing with someone who has emotional problems. Poly relationships require mentally healthy individuals.
Sounds like you have tried to be a role-model of a secondary. You have done all you can do, which probably doesn`t sit well with you,..You strike me like a 'fixer' ;)
While you dont want to really take a break, I`m not sure you can trust either of them to put your best interests in, as a equal part of the equation. The husband sounds 'spent' and if he did leave her, it can`t be 'for' you. You will always doubt the integrity of the relationship then.

Look after yourself, and don`t pull their problems on your own shoulders. Look after your body, get good sleep, eat well.
If you have done all you have said, and put your best foot forward, time will tell if that couple deserves such a person as you, and if they appreciate that.

Remind yourself, you deserve people who appreciate the effort you put forth.

Did you ever see a long story/poem that got sent around as a forward, called " The Awakening' ? Its a good one to read during times like this.

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