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-   -   Trouble in Polyfidelitous Paradise (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35171)

GSAS082612 12-17-2012 04:44 PM

Trouble in Polyfidelitous Paradise
 
Well, I am AnaLisa. So for starters, I am 18. I am in a poly-amorous relationship with a married couple I have known for 3 years.
I have been friends with my girlfriend, Samantha, off and on for three years. Her and her husband, my boyfriend, have been married for a little more than one year. They share a daughter together, she is two, and have a son on the way.
This all started with a simple as admitting to our feelings for each other between Sam and I. And Glenn wanted to be around to "supervise" he didn't have to be around. But wanted to be able to see because their relationship had been on the rocks with a cheating past between the two. Her and I started kissing and next thing I knew, it led to a threesome. I was in a monogamous relationship at that point but ended it about 2 weeks after the three of us coming to the terms of having a relationship. It started of hot and heavy like any relationship but now its pretty much reached a dead point. I am rarely with Sam sexually alone. I was once but that ended up being a fall out and created and issue because I am not comfortable with sexual actions below the belt. It's unusual to me. While she wanted more attention during sex, between all of us, she seems more so yearning to JUST be with Glenn. This relationship started off of simple nothings with Glenn, we were together to make Sam happy. And maybe that was our problem, but now, him and I are in love. I love him and her. But it seems as if she is all too eager to pull us apart. She starts constant issues and seems really angry all the time. While she wants Glenn and I to develop, she gets really angry and somewhat jealous when I am with him. sexually and not. It gets frustrating because she is very needy and needs attention 24/7 and although I want to give that to her, I am the type that needs alone time and space. And yeah I want and enjoy being with Glenn sexually which lately has been very torn and scattered. We had a single escapade between him and I being together 2 weeks ago and I have been with him one time since with her involved. She has been with him twice within the allotted time. She complains she wants more "us" time but she seems much more caught up in being with JUST Glenn. I understand that because they are married but I mean I am apart of this, or at least I like to think I am. They want to do a hand-fasting ceremony this coming October but I don't foresee that happening with how the relationship is now. I just want to fix this relationship and end the stupid issues we keep having. I love them but sometimes I get to the point of saying, I can't take the bull shit any longer and I need an out. I love them both, I solemnly swear, but at what point is Samantha's pathetic fire starter arguments not worth it. If I can't keep her happy and am always wrong when do I throw in the towel and say it is over?

GalaGirl 12-17-2012 05:18 PM

Bottom line? You are 18 years old and have a long life ahead. Why saddle yourself with a tumultous couple with a toddler and a soon-to-be-newborn so early in your young adult life? It sounds messy over there. :(

Especially when you already are feeling this:
Quote:

It started of hot and heavy like any relationship but now its pretty much reached a dead point.
Quote:

I just want to fix this relationship and end the stupid issues we keep having. I love them but sometimes I get to the point of saying, I can't take the bull shit any longer and I need an out. I love them both, I solemnly swear, but at what point is Samantha's pathetic fire starter arguments not worth it. If I can't keep her happy and am always wrong when do I throw in the towel and say it is over?
Sometimes it is safer to Love from a distance and break up because up close the relationship is just not good for your short term or long term healths in all your buckets -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. Love doesn't automatically equal "staying-ness."

You are responsible to you, and that includes the company you keep. If YOU do not put your own oxygen mask on and look out for your best healths, who will?

In this case I think the short term UGH of a break up is less stinky than never ending stinkage from staying in this situation. If you want to try to cope with the jealous, perhaps some of this will help. But it takes all parties putting in effort. If it's just you -- it probably IS at the dead point. One person alone cannot keep a thing going.

If you feel done here, throw in the towel, heal, and then reach for your next future happiness when you are ready.

Namaste,
Galagirl

nycindie 12-19-2012 05:28 AM

You have a lot of living and growing to do. Don't waste your time with people who disrespect you.

samines 12-20-2012 10:50 AM

First thing is, when I saw this-
Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 172516)
Bottom line? You are 18 years old and have a long life ahead. Why saddle yourself with a tumultous couple with a toddler and a soon-to-be-newborn so early in your young adult life?

-my first reaction was (as an 18 yr-old who has fallen twice for couples with kids) to buck against it. I hate it hearing that because I'm young, I should go practice dating mono for a while, or I should stay away from complicated situations- as if being older somehow makes the sacrifices more worth it? (I'm not saying that was what GalaGirl meant, but it's what her post triggered for me.)

I did want to weigh in, though that- regardless of your age- I agree:
Quote:

It sounds messy over there. :(
There'll be other people out there. From what you've said, I'd throw in the towel. Sounds like you're giving up a lot to fit their vision for the relationship, and it's still not working. It doesn't sound like that holds much promise of changing.

SchrodingersCat 12-20-2012 03:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by samines (Post 173037)
I hate it hearing that because I'm young, I should go practice dating mono for a while, or I should stay away from complicated situations- as if being older somehow makes the sacrifices more worth it? (I'm not saying that was what GalaGirl meant, but it's what her post triggered for me.)

Your triggers are your triggers, so fair enough... but GG wasn't suggesting that AnaLisa should go be mono. Just that this couple has a lot of baggage and it doesn't sound like they're doing anything about it.

I've seen her give the same advice to 40 year olds, so it's not about age. Some people just aren't worth it. People who drag you into their conflict, who push and pull you in every direction, who expect you to take all the flack... are not worth it.

In a nutshell, the problem in this situation is not caused by AnaLisa. She's caught in their whirlwind. As such, there's little to nothing she can do to change the existing situation. Samantha must learn to deal with her own jealousy. She must learn to make her words agree with her actions.

If AnaLisa and Sam have been together for 3 years and AL is 18 now, that means she was only 15 when they started dating. I'm assuming that means Sam isn't much older. I don't care if you think I'm being ageist: 18 is too young to marry. Your brain doesn't even finish growing until 25. At 18, you still have a biologically teenage brain. Shit, you have a literal teenage brain. EightTEEN.

Being 18 sucks. You're just old enough to think you're old enough. I know I was. I figured I had it all figured out. I figured I was sooo mature. My step-daughter is 19. She's the same way. It just comes with the territory.

Now I look back and LOL at myself. There's "mature for 18," there's "mature," and then there's "actually grown-up." And it's not until you get to the next stage that you can understand the difference. See, here I am, still thinking "I'm grown-up" because I pay bills, take care of a house, go to grad school, relate to other grown-ups... But I'm pretty sure that in another 10, 20 years, I'll look back at 30 and say "Man, I was still pretty dumb."

BoringGuy 12-20-2012 08:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 173065)

Now I look back and LOL at myself. There's "mature for 18," there's "mature," and then there's "actually grown-up." And it's not until you get to the next stage that you can understand the difference. See, here I am, still thinking "I'm grown-up" because I pay bills, take care of a house, go to grad school, relate to other grown-ups... But I'm pretty sure that in another 10, 20 years, I'll look back at 30 and say "Man, I was still pretty dumb."



When I was 18, I didn't THINK i knew everything. I really DID know everything. Since then, I have forgotten a great deal of everything.

And I don't care if that makes me "ageist" either. It happens to be the truth. I'm just telling it like it is.

So my advice to all the 18 year-olds is to either stay 18 forever, or write down every thought you have so you can refer to it when you're over 40.

GalaGirl 12-20-2012 08:50 PM

I'm sorry that triggered you. :(

But I wasn't suggesting she give up on polyamory entirely. Just that since she felt it was at a dead point and they sound like "messy people" that she consider not being involved with them any more since they are not meeting her needs. Date people who are more compatible.

Some older people have an annoying habit of treating ALL 18 year olds like kids just because SOME 18 year olds have not reached their emotional maturity yet. Used to drive me nuts at that age! So I'm sorry you have experienced that to the place where it triggers you. Not everyone thinks "18 is just a kid."

I think if an 18 year old is ready to go there and assume the mantle of adulthood -- go! Do what needs doing in your life to leave the family of origin and start to fly on your own! :)

And part of knowing one's own adult business is knowing when to pull the plug on something that just isn't a runner and doesn't feed what needs feeding.

Namaste,
Galagirl

YouAreHere 12-20-2012 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 173098)
So my advice to all the 18 year-olds is to either stay 18 forever, or write down every thought you have so you can refer to it when you're over 40.

That is, if your 40-year-old brain doesn't put its reading glasses on, look at it, and go, "Who wrote this crap?!" :p

BoringGuy 12-20-2012 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YouAreHere (Post 173101)
That is, if your 40-year-old brain doesn't put its reading glasses on, look at it, and go, "Who wrote this crap?!" :p

Oh, that has happened to me - with bad poetry no less. I guess staying 18 forever is the only way to know everything.

GSAS082612 12-22-2012 04:25 PM

I understand that being 18 makes me young but also very "immature" at time. But DON'T tell me what I should or shouldn't do. My boyfriend, girlfriend and I. Have talked it out, I have given them that much. Yes, we have our troubles and often never have a chance to sort them out till after all is said and done and someone has turned to online, as I have turned to here as a way to seek out those who are in a poly relationship.


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