Confused and hurt
J (primary male partner) and I have a relationship with couple B(bi comfy man) & C(bicomfy? woman). After a couple of weeks, we started negotiating how to have 1-1 relationships. So far (until now), people seem to be getting what they need in terms of interactions/encounters, frequency and quality of communication, etc.
We all started saying "I love you" a couple of weeks ago. I feel it on my end to be very true. It is a very deep caring feeling in my chest. I don't hesitate using the word to describe my feelings for either of them.
C started off our relationship by saying she was interested in exploring with me sexually. We have done that primarily in a group setting. A few days ago, during an online chat, she and I expressed to each other that all of the pieces for a romantic relationship were there (emotional and mental connection, physical attraction, etc). That conversation coupled with the verbal expressions of love along with some intense eye contact during our last group sex encounter left me feeling like I was safe to express my desire for a more intimate 1-1 date with her (one that would include more physical and sexual contact; our past two dates have been in public spaces for lunch, hanging with her 3 yr old, etc). I expressed this desire through a short and sweet text. She called me tonight to tell me that she is not comfortable with that and not desiring that.
I feel very confused by all of the mixed signals and messages. I know that one can love in a more platonic sense, but having sex as part of a relationship inevitably makes a relationship (to me) feel like something much different, even if the relationship doesn't automatically feel romantic.
I don't know right now in this moment how to handle seeing her next time we see them in a group, or even on my own. I don't know how group sex will feel; it sounds a little torturous to "play" sexually with her, knowing that the more romantic intimacy is not something she feels or wants. My heart hurts from taking the risk of expressing my desire and from the feeling of rejection.
:confused: :( :confused: :(
Have you talked to her in person in depth about this issue? It is so easy to miscommunicate via text, online or even over the phone. Don't assume you know for sure what is going on until you talk with her.
There may also be some assumptions you are making that she is not and vice versa. There is nearly infinite ways to exploring same sex sexuality and they often share the same label of bisexual. It may not have occurred to her that you would want to develop a one on one romantic and sexual relationship with her as well as with her male partner. She may only want to explore being with a woman sexually in a group situation. She may not think of herself as capable of a romantic relationship with a woman - many bi women only want sexual contact but not emotional or romantic connections with another woman. She may be utterly confused about what she wants. Or she realized only after you brought up the possibility that what you offered is not what she wanted.
Your communications have been ambiguous (eye contact is lovely but difficult to pin absolute meanings to) and not very in depth. Hold off conclusions until you can talk in person, alone, for a while. I know that is hard.
And yes, you may not get what you want out of this relationship. Rejection is hard and no fun. (I have way more sympathy for men now after dating women.) Think about what you would want near and short term if she is definitely never ever going to be interested in a one on one sexual and romantic relationship with you. Maybe you take a break from group sex when she is involved. Do you want to be in a quad if that one on one relationship is not there with her? Start mulling over what you want, what you can tolerate, and how you see the relationships in your quad. Good luck!
If so, naturally you are disappointed and need time/space to heal from that.
I am sorry you are hurting. But don't continue behavior at this time that adds to the hurt. Do the TLC that you need.
Thank you both for your responses.
Opalescent I really appreciate your rational and logical response; it helped me get out of my heart space and into my head space.
GalaGirl I really appreciate your validation of my feelings, and reminding me of some obvious and simple solutions.
I am giving C space right now, and I am hopeful that she and I can connect sometime this week, for at least a talk on the phone.
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