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-   -   Ugh. So frustrating (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3511)

Magdlyn 08-18-2010 02:29 PM

Ugh. So frustrating
In spring of 09 I met this guy on okc and we really hit it off. He lives in the next state north of me, about my age, and is bisexual, a bit kinky, and a married poly man. (2nd marriage, only married 5 yrs.) Also quite attractive in a hippyish way, fit, has long hair that looks good on him, great smile, nice teeth. He's literate, works as a copy editor for several book publishers.

We start to chat regularly. He's all cool w me having my gf, and I find out he has 3 lovers besides his wife: a MF couple, and a genderqueer person. They are all long distance relationships.

He and I chat about all different things, our kids are similar ages, so we had that in common. We talk of pagan events, genderqueer issues, and more mundane things.

There's a definite attraction between us, so in October we met. He has a house in a small city and a mobile home he owned from before his marriage. We meet at the trailer. Since we'd known each other months at that point, we eagerly have sex, then go out for a late lunch and a walk in nature.

After our date, i found out he had not yet told his wife about me. Very weird, since they are poly. I just didnt know what to make of that.

So he told her and she flipped and they did some therapy around it all. Then more shit hit the fan. He was laid off from his job, and they told me he had to take a break from seeing me b/c he needed to concentrate on finding more work. They were in danger of losing their house.

So, I let the winter and spring go by. Figuring they worked out the trust issue around his neglecting to tell her about me before our first date.
We had all kinds of ims between the 3 of us. Finally he felt embarrassed he's messed things up from the start, and sent me back earrings I'd left at the trailer on the first date, w a nice note of apology. But he also told me he thought of me often at pagan or queer events they went to. Also, his wife had told me she liked me, and wanted a "grrrl" back in their lives.

Magdlyn 08-18-2010 02:42 PM

Meanwhile he got a job driving a taxi, and also kept finding freelance editing work. His wife had been afraid our NRE would interfere with him finding work...

So, I said I forgave him for his mistake early on, and was willing to drive up and meet with both of them. I did that last week and it was great. We had a Chinese lunch, swam in a picturesque small river, had coffee before I left. He and I played it cool. I figured I was auditioning for the role and just was friendly and chatty. Brought them a box of fancy cookies as a hostess gift.

He and I hugged a couple times throughout the day. We hadnt seen each other in 10 months! While we drank coffee in the kitchen, he let his leg touch mine, and when I left he gave me one more big hug and a small french kiss.

So! I thought it went well, hoped I passed the audition.

Silly me. A few days later he imed me and we talked of how great it was to see each other again. While we were chatting, he said his wife came in and was reading over his shoulder. Then she got on, took his place and said she thought I was coming there for "closure", not to pursue a relationship w him. Even tho the IM where he and I discussed still being interested in each other, he had told me he'd c+p it and send it to her and discuss it, seems she didnt get that part. Fuck. Ugh.

We hadnt really discussed poly issues on the "date." At one point he did try to bring it up. When we got out of the river and were drying off, he asked us, so what do you think of this friendship thing? I looked to her and she said, "I havent even been thinking about that. I'm just enjoying the day."

Grrr. So it seems they have very bad communication skills for a poly couple. Even tho he has those 3 other lovers, and has told me he has had a cpl casual sex dates w men just recently, somehow I am damaged goods and she finds me threatening? They had certaibly not rebuilt trust around his earlier mistake. I think he's afraid of her. It's more like she's the mom and he's the bumbling kid, or an unstructured D/s relationship.

It's all just so disappointing.

Dating has become so tiring.

Ariakas 08-18-2010 03:59 PM

Poor communication is everywhere and it happens. Sorry to hear about your frustrations...

Maybe she doesn't find you damaged goods, but a threat due to your strength. If she is the mom in some ways, she might not mind having "kids", but not competition.

Magdlyn 08-18-2010 04:04 PM

Thank you for the feedback, Ari. I'm just floundering here. Kind of grieving.

marksbabygirl 08-18-2010 04:07 PM

I'm going to agree with Ari's assessment.

It sounds more like she's threatened by a strong, intellegent personality...

Dating sucks. And it sucks even more when people don't know how to communicate, are afraid of communicating or think they're getting their message across effectively when they're not. I know - I've found myself in all three catagories lately.... and that's with my husband and friends...


Magdlyn 08-21-2010 04:12 PM

I haven't heard from L in a week now. It's making me kind of depressed. He's just left me hanging and I feel like I am in limbo.

Fidelia 08-23-2010 10:27 AM

Sorry, Magdlyn. I hate it when crap like this happens. And it's not much help that you're being honest and open with who you are and what you want, but the miscommunication between the two of them seems to have pretty effectively screwed the pooch here.

Can you approach her directly and maybe come to some clarity and agreement?

*more hugs*

Magdlyn 08-23-2010 11:15 AM

Ah, thanks, Fidelia. I emailed him on Saturday. If I don't hear back today, I guess I'll try the wife tomorrow.

This all sucks extra bad, because I've recently started to feel less satisfied with my boytoys and been wanting a more full relationship with a man. Thought he was The One.

FireChild 08-23-2010 12:17 PM

Dating blows. I'm sorry. Maybe it's because you're not in a relationship with a man? Like you have a girlfriend and that's all good but you don't have a MAN so maybe she's worried about cowgirlism?

Magdlyn 08-23-2010 12:27 PM

Well, I had that concern months ago and that was one of the things we addressed in earlier IM convos. Again and again, I have said I have no need or desire to "lure L away" from her. I'm deeply in love with and committed to my gf and just want a secondary (preferably w/ a penis, lol). Oddly, in L's okc profile, he says:


Our ideal household would be a big multi-family house where everyone is lovingly involved--a kind of poly intentional community.
"Our ideal." And yet, his wife can't even get her mind around including me in their lives? WTH?

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