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-   -   Kinda new here.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3504)

LT4everu2 08-17-2010 08:26 PM

Kinda new here....
 
Hi all !!! This is the L wife to TL4everu2 I decided to make my own account so here i am LT4everu2. I hope this doesn't get confusing, like my emotions are right now !!! SO T said i should chat with you guys to see if it will help so here i am.
So i will start with my confusion..... Are you ready????
Most if not all of you know T's feelings about D and how i asked him to slow down. Alot of you on here did not understand what i was asking, nor did he i get now after a long talk last night.
You see we haven't talked to S&D for 4 months because we brought up the Poly word with them. Anyways fast forward to the 6th of this month when i said to T we should see how they are.. So we did and went to see them. I could see T was going to fast for D and Myself. So instead of letting it go the speed he was heading and upsetting D. I simply asked him to slow down to a friendship for now and let the emotions and relationship develop....
By this i was asking that he keeps the touching and flirting down for now as it was a little over whelming.
Well now i read in this site that he is falling in love with her and i am not sure D is ready for that. So go ahead and bash me and say i am controlling his emotions. I just simply see things from the side he does not. So i guess i am trying to protect him and myself from the pain. Maybe it is my jealousy??? This is where i get confused. Could this jealousy????

AutumnalTone 08-17-2010 09:57 PM

Are you getting upset that he's going so fast? If it bugs you that he's going so fast because you feel hurt by it, then there's jealousy involved.

That, however, is not a bad thing. All the jealousy signals is that there's some issue you need to address for his relationship with S to progress. It may simply be that you also require a slower approach. If your concern is solely that he's making D really uncomfortable and that's likely to cause problems, then there doesn't appear to be any jealousy involved.

And, no, it doesn't appear as if you're trying to control his emotions. He can feel whatever he wants. Your concern is with his actions and whether those seem to be working well for you (and the others involved). Feelings are not behavior and asking for restraint on the latter is not necessarily an attempt to control the former.

TL4everu2 08-17-2010 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 40654)
Are you getting upset that he's going so fast? If it bugs you that he's going so fast because you feel hurt by it, then there's jealousy involved.

That, however, is not a bad thing. All the jealousy signals is that there's some issue you need to address for his relationship with S to progress. It may simply be that you also require a slower approach. If your concern is solely that he's making D really uncomfortable and that's likely to cause problems, then there doesn't appear to be any jealousy involved.

And, no, it doesn't appear as if you're trying to control his emotions. He can feel whatever he wants. Your concern is with his actions and whether those seem to be working well for you (and the others involved). Feelings are not behavior and asking for restraint on the latter is not necessarily an attempt to control the former.

Sigh.....I can't seem to communicate my feelings very well....Not in writing, not in voice. I honestly hope that some of you may be able to help my wife, because I can't seem to do it alone.

I will mention, that D has never said that I was moving too fast, nor that she was uncomfortable with any of my flirting.

Also, I have agreed to move slower.

However, no matter what I say or do, it appears to me that it is twisted to be bad or be cast in a bad light.


Now, I'm going to stay out of this thread, in the hopes that L can find the answers that she is seeking. The only reasons I will interject, will be to clarify things, which may be mis-represented (whether intentionally or not).



I love my wife.......and if I have to leave the relationship with S &D to keep my wife happy, I will.

Jade 08-17-2010 11:26 PM

I don't think you're out of line. I think you recognize the differences between where you are, where "they" are, and where your hubby is, and you don't want things to go down in flames because of impatience.

I understand it. My hubby played the balancing role with me. I was ready, impatient, and frustrated. I couldn't leave the high state without going low because NRE had me in its thrall. I was, simply put, high pressure on them and tough to deal with for him. He understood, but damn if it didn't piss him off sometimes. I can't blame him in looking back, because what I didn't see clearly enough was that it wasn't all about me. It wasn't even all about us (hubby and I). We were dealing with two different people in different places.

This could be a lengthy process for you, for both of you, learning the balance that makes the foursome work. I hope the experience brings you closer together:)

Tonberry 08-18-2010 12:24 AM

I think, L, that while your input is important, especially to share your feelings with everyone involved, the relationship between T and D should evolve at a pace that's set by T and D. So it's probably more important that they talk about it together rather than you setting the pace.
You might think it's going too fast for D and you might be right, but it's D's place to tell T that, unless D asked you to do it for her. Otherwise, as much as you want to help, you might actually not help at all.

It's good that T and you talked together, but it might be better if T, D and you all talked together. Or you could talk with D directly, see how it goes for her. I personally wouldn't be very happy if my boyfriend's wife (if he had one) was telling him to slow down... Even if I did want him to slow down! I wouldn't want to be left out of the decision of whether to slow down or not in my own relationship!
So, I'd say it's either between T and D, or you can be involved too, but with both T and D, either together or separately. Otherwise, yes, it might appear as you trying to control the way their relationship evolves, whether that's your intent or not.

redpepper 08-18-2010 12:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LT4everu2 (Post 40643)
So go ahead and bash me and say i am controlling his emotions. I just simply see things from the side he does not. So i guess i am trying to protect him and myself from the pain. Maybe it is my jealousy??? This is where i get confused. Could this jealousy????

haha! no, I don't think bashing is useful. besides, you have every right to feel the way you do.... welcome to the forum btw! :)

I think it is perfectly reasonable to want to go slower and be more conscious of the process. I call it "going at the pace of the one who is struggling the most." Not easy for us fast ones! ;) but if you want something long term and with depth and connection for the long haul, I have known no other way personally.

It doesn't sound like you are jealous, maybe reasonable with a man that is experiencing NRE (new relationship energy)? Be patient and put your foot down about boundaries that really hurt you... keep negotiating what you need and what your boundaries are until it feels right for you... this is an on going process with poly and you will likely find that it comes naturally with time. that doesn't mean it gets EASIER, just easier to hone in on what is going on for you the more you experience.

Remember that everything should stay as fluid as possible. Staying stuck on the triad thing, might not be a good thing... again, process, negotiate and set boundaries that work for both of you.

poly love is different than mono love in many ways, but one is that if you are in a couple situation and your partner is going through NRE they don't have the freedom to completely let that wash over them. they have a responsibility to the other partners and responsibilities in their life. It kinda sucks that way, but when it is kept at bay it lasts and lasts... I still have tons of NRE for my sweet Mono after 20 months!

I hope you take the time to read around and talk with your man about what you find. I have found this forum to be a very connecting tool with Mono and others in my life. We have been able to stay on the same page more easily because of it. Perhaps you will find the same thing.

TL4everu2 08-18-2010 02:37 AM

P.s. In some places of the world (the UK to name one) "bashing" is actually fun and enjoyable. You might actually LIKE to be "bashed". ;)

LT4everu2 08-18-2010 02:45 AM

I want to thank you all for the advice and i have to agree with red pepper. I have to put my foot down on boundies and taking it slow was one of them in the begining of our reconection. We have talked and it will work out i am sure.
Again ty for for the advice.

TL4everu2 09-09-2010 01:47 AM

Well, problem solved LT....


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