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-   -   can it be poly if you only have sex with one? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35031)

Tahirabs 12-15-2012 10:30 PM

can it be poly if you only have sex with one?
 
Can a relation ship still be defined as poly (in your own definition) if you and your main partner decide to only have sex with just each other but still "date", flirt, and kind of "mess around" with other people (openly)? What are peoples personal definition of different terms?

REASON I ASK: My husband is "hanging out" with a new female co-worker A LOT! They go on dates, go places with her children, text all the time, and even call each other, but ARE NOT SEXUAL. I just meet her last night and they have been going out one-on-one for two months! I have no problem with this because I fully trust my husband and he says they are just friends (though all his spare time is spent with ether me or her and not his male friends he use to hang out with). What do you all think about my first question? and what do you think about my husband and his new girl?
The only thing that bothers me about his new "friend" is he won't talk with her about how she feels about the relationship... he says she KNOWS they are just friends and has hinted around it but is too embarrassed to just come out and ask. Should he have to? (not that I care if they do date "for real", just want them both to be on the same page)!!! Thoughts?

GalaGirl 12-15-2012 11:05 PM

I don't think you ought to micromanage his relationship with her, but you could state your opinion to him.

I do think it is pretty weird he doesn't communicate with her to make sure they both agree and are on the same page in terms of what kind of relationship they share here -- a soft swing thing or a polyamory thing or what.

For my own definition? "Polyamory" is the capacity/desire to love more than one at a time.

"Polysexual" to me is the capcity/desire to have more than one lover at a time. (not necessarily group sex with them, but have more than one lover.)

One could be polamorous, polysexual, polyamorous AND polysexual, or neither.

HTH!
GG

Snowdancer 12-15-2012 11:22 PM

Only your husband could say for sure but it sounds poly to me. The lack of communication on their part doesn't sound good. Perhaps one of them doesn't want to admit to themselves what is actually taking place. Still, I have no idea what their situation is so I can only add so much input. Just going with my hunches based on what you said.

InsaneMystic 12-16-2012 07:33 PM

Seeing as you can definitely be poly without having sex with anyone, ever, of course it's possible. Poly is about love, not sex. (Said love can be, and probably is in most cases, expressed by sex, but that's not a prerequisite.)

turtleHeart 12-16-2012 10:56 PM

I personally wouldn't feel like I was dating someone if there wasn't a sexual aspect, I'd see them as a friend, but I do know poly people with multiple people they consider partners, some they even live with, while not having sex with any of them.

Does your husband's co-worker know that you're poly?

LovingRadiance 12-17-2012 07:24 AM

It can be. Polyamory is about loving more than one. Shrug.

As to their situation; dysfunctional if they arent communicating.

nycindie 12-22-2012 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tahirabs (Post 172202)
My husband is "hanging out" with a new female co-worker A LOT! They go on dates, go places with her children, text all the time, and even call each other, but ARE NOT SEXUAL.

. . . The only thing that bothers me about his new "friend" is he won't talk with her about how she feels about the relationship... he says she KNOWS they are just friends and has hinted around it but is too embarrassed to just come out and ask. Should he have to? (not that I care if they do date "for real", just want them both to be on the same page)!!!

What makes you think they are not already both on the same page? She is a different person from you and it sounds like they are both perfectly content with how things are between them, and maybe the kind of connection they have just doesn't require lots of explaining and hashing things out - if they are comfortable with each other and going merrily along, whether sex is in the mix or not, why isn't that good enough for you? Do you feel it is necessary to lay your expectations on how they conduct their friendship? Leave them be. He's happy, she's happy, stop worrying about them. :)


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