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-   -   Hitting on someone new out of the blue (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=35014)

thisgirl 12-15-2012 06:28 PM

Hitting on someone new out of the blue
Some background-

My husband and I opened our relationship somewhat recently. We've had a few casual engagements which have gone well, but they've all stemmed from close existing friendships. I went on a few online dates, but nothing came of them.

Now...there's this guy. He works at the snazzy organic grocery store that we shop at regularly, and I have a total and inexplicable crush on him. He seems like a really nice guy, though I've only been able to strike up conversations about "Where are the XXX?" (He's never working register for some reason so I have to contrive pretty hard.) Obviously I don't want to keep doing that, he's going to think I'm the most incompetent grocery shopper ever.

So, there're several things at play:

- Even if I was single, I would have no idea how to hit on this guy in an environment where he is at work and I am the customer. The starting dynamics are weird.

- If I did think of a way (say, just being cheeky and slipping him a phone number and scampering off)...I'm *not* single and don't want to lead him to believe that I am. I am new to balancing the "So, I'm in this unusual situation, but I'm still totally worth dating, just get to know me!" stuff. We are young, and it seems like most single guys my age are at least open to a casual relationship with a married poly lass, even if that's not a lifestyle they want to commit to long-term (and that's okay with me.) But still, not sure how to bring it up without freaking him out.

- I don't want to fuck this up and make it awkward and have to switch grocery stores.

I tried posting a "missed connections" on craigslist that basically just said "I'm intrigued by you, email me and I'll send you my okcupid profile and you can decide if you're at all interested" but I haven't heard anything. Not sure how many people read that sort of thing. I've considered posting it up on the bulletin board at the store but then all his coworkers would see it and probably give him grief, I dunno :-/

Any ideas? Advice? It's all very new to me... even when I was single I always started off relationships with friends, I've never tried hitting on a near-stranger.

sparklepop 12-15-2012 06:47 PM

Well... one small potential problem.... he might not be single? Hahaha.

But... let's say he is....

I think you have two options:

Option one is to start striking up general conversation. Next time you see him, ask him how his day or weekend was. See if it goes anywhere from there.

Or, go for the direct approach. Put your number on a piece of paper with a witty note or something.

To be honest, I'd probably give my number, because I wouldn't care if I got rejected, hahaha. But the slower approach would definitely be appropriate too!

As for talking about poly... I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea of giving him your number, or getting to know him, then bringing up poly if he expresses an interest. I don't think there's any need to include that information on the note. You could always drop it into conversation, i.e. if he asks about your weekend, you could say, "Oh yeah! It was good - my boyfriend went out with his other girlfriend, so I had the place to myself... etc etc". I find that the more normalised I make something sound, the more normal it becomes.

Other than that... enjoy the crush! Crushes are great! Whether they lead anywhere or not :)

AJ1 12-15-2012 09:05 PM

I would just say "Hey, I think you're cute, can I give you my phone number?" and offer my card. He'll either say "No, sorry, I have a girlfriend" or "Sure". Either way, he'll be flattered, so you shouldn't have to switch grocery stores. And actually, even if he rejects you flat out and you still hold you head high and act friendly while shopping there, you're flashing major confidence signals.

I'd bring up the poly stuff on the first date. TMI before then.

thisgirl 12-16-2012 03:00 AM

If I wait until the first date to let him know I'm married, I'm run the risk of totally freaking him out/him being pissed off that I've wasted his time (if he's not down with it, that is.)

I had to go back to the store tonight and I was so ready to bust out a line about him having to work both friday and saturday (I was there last night) and then I didn't see him anywhere... then just as I was being rung up he walked by and left before I finished paying. Blah! Sneaky...

nycindie 12-16-2012 03:18 AM

Make friends first. You don't have to tell him you are married before you even ask him out. That would be like assuming he's interested in you romantically. But you don't know if he is. Just say something like, "Hey, I always enjoy talking to you - would you want to grab a cup of coffee with me sometime?" But keep it casual and non-flirty. You might even add, "I'm always up for making new friends." Then, if he accepts, when you get together you can ask him what his situation is. "So, are you single?" See what he says. If he's partnered, find out if they're monogamous. Let that be the opening to explain your arrangement. And if it's totally clear that he's mono and there will be no chance of hooking up, you never even have to let him know you are interested in more than friendship, just carry on the convo as if he was a co-worker or neighbor you want to get to know - just friends. But if he seems interested and he's available, then explain: "I am in an open relationship with my husband, which means we're not exclusive. I'm free to date other people, and I was wondering if you'd be interested." Simple.

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