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-   -   Interesting situation looking for advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3500)

tinylove 08-17-2010 11:26 AM

Interesting situation looking for advice
 
Okay the situation:

There is me,my husband,my boyfriend and his best friend.

My boyfriends best friend is who I originally started seeing we met and he was with his friend we all hung out together a few times and then he decided not to continue the relationship. During this time me and his friend hooked up.

So now it has come up that my boyfriends best friend wants to see me again but there is conflict due to the fact that they are best friends and if something goes wrong between me and one of them that I would be one that would have to go.

My boyfriend has also never been in a poly relationship, up till this point he was mono. his friend has but I do not think he fully understands the concept of them. (they are also young so I think this may play in to it)

I would would to date them both but I told them there would have to be some sort of commitment to establish a relationship.

They also feel like my since I am married that my primary has me and they only have part of me they feel that it won't be able to go any farther than that and I think that scares them a little.

So I guess I am looking for advice on what to say to them, ways I can reassure my boyfriend, or any advice you may want to give .

On another note:

This past weekend we were all hanging out together. This was a first time thing for me to be around all three of them. I found myself not knowing how to respond to each of them and I found myself kinda turning off , I feel awkward and I am not sure how to be when I'm around them. At this point I only see my boyfriend once a week so I want to give my attention to him, but then I feel like I am neglecting my primary. Then of course there was my boyfriends best friend whom I could feel wanted to be with me too but we couldn't really talk about it. Not sure what I can do ?


Would love to here your experienced thoughts and advice.

Tinylove

AutumnalTone 08-17-2010 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinylove (Post 40591)
My boyfriend has also never been in a poly relationship, up till this point he was mono. his friend has but I do not think he fully understands the concept of them. (they are also young so I think this may play in to it)

....

They also feel like my since I am married that my primary has me and they only have part of me they feel that it won't be able to go any farther than that and I think that scares them a little.

....

This past weekend we were all hanging out together. This was a first time thing for me to be around all three of them. I found myself not knowing how to respond to each of them and I found myself kinda turning off , I feel awkward and I am not sure how to be when I'm around them. At this point I only see my boyfriend once a week so I want to give my attention to him, but then I feel like I am neglecting my primary. Then of course there was my boyfriends best friend whom I could feel wanted to be with me too but we couldn't really talk about it. Not sure what I can do ?

It sounds to me like everybody involved needs to figure out what they need from a relationship, then figure out what needs they expect to be filled by this specific relationship, and then y'all can figure out actual expectations.

This exercise includes you. You say you feel as if you're neglecting your primary by spending time with somebody else. That's a personal issue, there. If you're giving him enough time that he's satisfied, then you're not neglecting him and the issue is entirely yours.

THat you said you couldn't really talk about the tangle suggests there are major communication issues, too. If you can't talk about it with the others involved, then I can only see problems for you in the future. If *they* can't talk about it then I can only see problems for you in the future.

redpepper 08-17-2010 06:39 PM

To be totally honest, you won't have much time for another partner I think. This next guy has to realize that he will get a small piece of time with you and that is it. Your primary I assume you wish to come first and then your secondary and then this other guy... it doesn't have to be like that, if all agree and are fine with the arrangement. You can make your time equal with all of them, but I would suspect that your primary would object.

All worth talking about and being honest about. There is no reason that dating this third guy can't be an option, but it's best to be honest that it may not be what he is used to in the past, which could be total attention. As long as he knows that and is okay with that, then you're good to go.

What does your primary think of all this? Taking on new lovers seems all fine and dandy when in the beginning stages and there is little to no investment, but as time goes on and more investment occurs it can mean a disconnect from your primary. Is it worth discovering with this guy? Besides that his best friend is your boyfriend. Is it worth it to put pressure on that? These questions are for you to answer of course, perhaps the level of depth you want to have with each of them is minimal and it's all good, perhaps you want lots of connection and depth and you will be spreading yourself out too thin? All for you to answer as you know yourself and your loves best.

In the mean time, there is no rush.... you don't have to do all of this at once. Giving it all some time and seeing if this new guy really is of interest or if it's a one off might be an idea. It's all worth talking about however as the advent of new partners could come back again in the future

TruckerPete 08-18-2010 12:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinylove (Post 40591)
Okay the situation:

There is me,my husband,my boyfriend and his best friend.

My boyfriends best friend is who I originally started seeing we met and he was with his friend we all hung out together a few times and then he decided not to continue the relationship. During this time me and his friend hooked up.

What were his reasons for leaving, and how long ago was this? Why does he want to come back?

If you've not come to terms with him leaving in the first place, is that why you may want to squeeze him in now?

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinylove (Post 40591)
So now it has come up that my boyfriends best friend wants to see me again but there is conflict due to the fact that they are best friends and if something goes wrong between me and one of them that I would be one that would have to go.

How long have you been seeing the boyfriend, and is there perhaps any jealousy on the part of the best friend, now that boyfriend has someone (you) and best friend does not?


Just some questions that may lead to more insight about the situation ...


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