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-   -   married and looking for help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3497)

jm24 08-17-2010 03:57 AM

married and looking for help
 
I'm not sure who else to talk about this. So I think this is the right place. Hopefully some of you can offer me some support and guidance. I know that no one can tell me what the right choice for me is, I think what I want most is support and advice.

So, here goes. I'm 24, male and married to my wife for almost three years, together almost four years. I feel very drawn to polyamory, and she doesn't. She's expressed curiosity in experimenting with other women before, but has felt guilty for wanting to act on those desires, even though I fully support them.

I have a friend who I've been close with for about a year and a half. We spend time together every week, we sometimes see each other almost four or five times a week. Because of that, I also spend a lot of time with his wife. I've gotten to know them both a lot over the past year and feel very close to both of them. I feel like they are family.

A couple of days ago, my friend's wife asked to talk to me and she expressed her feelings toward me. She said that she has been wanting to have a closer, more intimate relationship with me for a long time. She talked to her husband (my friend) about it a couple months after we met and suggested trying out polyamory. He wasn't interested, and felt really hurt by her desire. So she didn't try to pursue it. Well, I guess she couldn't hide her feelings any more and finally expressed them to me. I feel the same way about her. She fulfills many parts of me that have been longing for partnership and intimacy for a long time. I am very interested in having a deep, connected and soulful relationship with her that doesn't have conventional boundaries.

We have been talking about how we can make this work with our spouses. But I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my wife, who has told me she doesn't want to share me with others. I also don't want to risk losing the friendship that I have with my friend and his wife.

I would like for us all to be able to have what we want. I think many people want to experience love without borders. I am tired of societal restrictions of marriage. I want to define my own relationships. But I also want to make the people close to me feel included, and that we can all get what we want.

Is this possible? I'm not sure how to talk to my wife or my friend about this.

Any advice or support you can give me I would deeply appreciate. Thank you in advance.

MonoVCPHG 08-17-2010 04:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jm24 (Post 40551)
I am tired of societal restrictions of marriage. .

When and if you talk to her, do not focus on the negatives of society that you perceive are holding you back. Because in this case it is holding you back, not her so don't generalize. If you attack something she possibly holds dear she will put up a reflexive defense. This can come across as you looking for a way to just achieve one thing in particular, which in this case it is...your female friend. Focus on the positives of what you both can have if you decide to define your own relationship across the board. If you expand on the possibilities it will potentially take away from the message that you desperately want one thing and are trying to wrap up the request with a "new awareness of societal controls". What will that request look like? That you want to sleep with your friend. If that is what this is all about, drop the whole "societal restrictions line" and be honest. If it is about exploring a different approach to relationships be prepared for the two way street of poly. Here it is so brace yourself...more pussy for you, more cock for her and remember, women can find it easy.

Why would I put it so blunt and possibly shock some people? Because you want to ask your partner to let you sleep with other women...imagine the shock that will create.

Be honest, don't start an affair, and stay healthy. You owe it to yourself :)

jm24 08-17-2010 04:33 AM

Thank you for your fast reply and bluntness Mono.

I definitely don't want to demean her value of marriage. There are a lot of things that I value about marriage too. What I would like is more acceptance loving other people in an intimate way.

No, I'm not interested in this new relationship just for sex. We have a more spiritual and purpose aligned connection than anything. The physical connection is nice, don't get me wrong, but that is not my main reason. I didn't even allow myself to have these feelings for her until she expressed them to me.

ray 08-17-2010 04:57 AM

I recently entered a similar situation. I began a friendship with O and gradually I began to feel he was looking for something a little more and so I assumed that meant sex. He is by the way married. Eventually, we had a long talk and realized that we wanted to try having a friendship with "unconventional boundaries." Sex is not the focus, our friendship is. His wife supports things and the three of us spend a lot of time together. It has required lots of discussion and patience. It can be confusing and certainly challenging. I'm pretty new at all of this. Still learning....

MonoVCPHG 08-17-2010 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jm24 (Post 40557)
Thank you for your fast reply and bluntness Mono.

I definitely don't want to demean her value of marriage. There are a lot of things that I value about marriage too. What I would like is more acceptance loving other people in an intimate way.

No, I'm not interested in this new relationship just for sex. We have a more spiritual and purpose aligned connection than anything. The physical connection is nice, don't get me wrong, but that is not my main reason. I didn't even allow myself to have these feelings for her until she expressed them to me.

Sounds like you are coming from a good place. That will carry forward into discussions for sure. Go slow and keep sight of the pitfalls of NRE. It can be amazing but it can also make you impatient/unthinking and resentful of your partner's pace...if there is any movement at all of course.

Take care and speak with your own words..not those of any one else. That will be genuine and believable. Take care

redpepper 08-17-2010 06:30 AM

hi there, I hope you do some reading here and take advantage of all the resources available to you before jumping in. Maybe some books would be helpful? Maybe some on line direction? Whatever works for her...

realizing that you are in love with someone and then asking to open a relationship is really difficult and can get very messy. Your wife will be blind sided by this I would think, and it doesn't sound like this womans husband is completely on board either. If you can, take your emotions out of the situation in order to think about it rationally. I know that is very hard, but tread very carefully. You made some pretty serious vows to be monogamous when you married... your integrity rests on up holding those.

I do think it's possible to successfully open a relationship up and have other relationships that are meaningful; that create vitality to the original two and are still sustainable, but it takes a lot of work, communication and tons of honest open interaction with all involved... it is very tricky. Be careful about whether or not you really need to have this in your life or could you sustain yourself on just expanding what you do independently from your wife.

Lastly, it might be a really good idea to frame the beginnings of this around your goals... for yourself and for herself and together... what are your plans for your life with her, what do you want to do together? All these things will determine if perhaps you are on the same page still or not. When I got married 9 years ago, my husband to be and I decided not to live together, but if and when we did,we wanted to work towards having a chosen family of lovers and people we love, including our own children and perhaps theirs. We went into marriage with this in mind. We have been working on that ever since. It is the fabric that holds us together. What holds the two of you together? What have you agreed to in the past that needs changing to accommodate where you are at now. Will you both be happy in those changes? All questions that will come right at you once you get going... it might be better to get right at it, before even starting anything up with this new found seedling of possible love.

GroundedSpirit 08-17-2010 02:04 PM

It's about education and self analysis
 
Hi JM24,

It's sometimes a painful realization when the possibility emerges of living in a multi-relationship mode. Because you find yourself caught in what is very much a different world.

My thoughts & suggestion.............

ALL of you spend some time really learning what poly relationships are about. The good, bad, and potentially ugly.

In other words - approach it from a strictly academic perspective. DO NOT personalize it YET ! Don't make it about you and the other wife, about your wife, her husband etc or the current marriages and/or potential relationship.
Keep it strictly about the philosophical and practical aspects of how people successfully live in such a model.
That may remove much of the 'threat' potential, will will keeps emotions at some distance and allow everyone to view and analyze facts for what they are.

This may sound like game playing, but it truly isn't. From what you wrote (?) there is a group of 4 individuals involved here who likely have only had real exposure to what I'll call the 'classic' model.

Before considering adopting a new model it behooves everyone to really know what they are getting into - not just drive by new discovery, NRE etc.

The more even YOU learn, the more you may discover you may not even be up to the challenge ! It's not all fun & games. There's some serious work involved :)

GS


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