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-   -   Comfort with particular people... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34901)

FreeSpirit 12-14-2012 09:28 PM

Comfort with particular people...
Hi. I've been with my girlfriend almost a year, living with her, and we're dabbling into polyamory. My views have been back and forth on the mono/poly spectrum for a long time, and believe I've settled into something that works for me (single committed partnership with emotional and sometimes physical freedom to explore closeness with others.)

Onto the issue I'm seeking input on: My girlfriend expressed interest in getting closer to a mutual friend of ours (who I'd known years before she did). The interest wasn't "serious" and seemed more on the physical side. I was uneasy with it, and told her as much, but told her she was free to do what she wanted, not wanting to restrict her freedom.

So the two of them got together, which made me feel even more uncomfortable with the situation. After seeing how much it affected me, she decided to call off the physical aspect of that, just remaining friends, despite me insisting that she shouldn't let my emotions interfere with her bonds with others.

Now, I'm not normally a very jealous person, so it struck me unusual that this incident bothered me as much as it did. After quite a few hours of introspection, considering various things that could have caused me to be so bothered, I settled on my discomfort with him in particular as the primary issue. I didn't find the thought of her being with other friends, or even strangers, nearly as upsetting.

I do have some good reasons for being uncomfortable with this particular friend...he's proven repeatedly irresponsible and dishonest in the past. Though I enjoy his company most of the time, he grates on my nerves a lot, and I just don't feel physically comfortable with him. Beyond that though, I know he's a good person.

Which brings me to my question...what to do about situations which one is uncomfortable with just certain individuals? Is "I'm just not comfortable with him" an acceptable reason to dissuade one's partner from pursuing something with that person? I find myself wondering if I should listen to my instincts and past experiences or just "get over it" and try to cope with the discomfort.

She's assured me that it's not the sort of situation where it's a big deal for her to just not be close to him like that, but I'd still like to get my stance on this sort of thing sorted out in case it comes up in the future.

I'd really appreciate any input that people more experienced with this sort of thing have to share. :)

FreeSpirit 12-16-2012 08:57 PM

Ack, accidentally double posted this thread. If a moderator would like to delete this one, I'd appreciate it. I don't think I'm able to do so myself.

GalaGirl 12-17-2012 03:22 AM

Perhaps let them know here?


With a link to the thread in question?


nycindie 12-21-2012 02:34 PM

The forum GalaGirl linked to is really for discussing forum guidelines and features, and issues about them, but for some reason, people started asking for threads to be deleted there. Mods generally don't delete threads, but maybe they can do it for duplicates.

You can contact the mods several ways:

PM ImaginaryIllusion, Redpepper, or AutumnalTone
Click the "Contact Us" link at the very bottom of the page
Click the red triangle at the top of the first post in this thread and "report" it.

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