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-   -   Power Dating / Collecting People (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34814)

CherryBlossomGirl 12-13-2012 08:45 PM

Power Dating / Collecting People
 
I have someone in my life that is bringing up some interesting questions for me. They are openly poly, and love to date - they currently do not have a primary, and are in two opposite sex relationships, and three same sex relationships. Despite these multiple partnerships with people that they seem to really like and connect with, they continue to date regularly, and often with new people.

From outside the situation I am of two minds. One is: Good for you! Have fun! Date! Be sexy and sexual and enjoy getting to know new people. The other is: Are you collecting people? Will there be a point where you have "enough" people? Is this about attention and insecurity, or a problem with committing to particular relationships?

It's been an interesting thing to observe on an external level, but even more so on an internal level. On a base level, it's not really my business who my friends or partners date - yes, I want them to be safe and happy with whomever they choose, but even when those things go sideways it's still not really my business what they do. So, why does this seem to be bugging me so much? It's interesting stuff, to be sure.

BoringGuy 12-13-2012 09:00 PM

Well did you ask this person why they do that? That might help you get to the root of why it "bugs" you.

GalaGirl 12-13-2012 09:41 PM

Only you can answer why their polysaturation point being pretty high bugs you.

I know why it would not appeal to ME. Because I have a low polysaturation point right now. :)

I could be this person's friend and be supportive like "Yay! Glad you are dating in a way that meets your needs! Good for you!"

I could not be this person's dating partner at this time in my life. I might meet their need for variety or diversity, but they wouldn't be needing MY need for low volume of dating partners/metas to deal with. *shrug*

When I was younger I would have welcomed "going wide" over "going deep" because I was at a different life space then. It's just going to vary not just across people, but even in the SAME person at different points in their life.

HTH!

Galagirl

BrigidsDaughter 12-14-2012 12:27 AM

Runic Wolf's ex just enjoys dating, meeting new and interesting people, and doesn't have the expectation that it will lead to anything more. Her husband recently had brain surgery and her second "serious" relationship is long distance. She enjoys going out to dinner, being treated occasionally, and getting a break from being a mom of 4 (1 with Aspergers, Autism, and ADHD and another with ADHD.)

AnnabelMore 12-14-2012 04:43 AM

Well, I hesitate to say it, but is it possible that you're uncomfortable because you see something of yourself reflected in her? Between Elemental, Sync, Mahogany, Lily, and Willow, weren't you involved with the same number of people (and the exact same gender ratio, actually, three same sex and two opposite sex) as your friend in a very short amount of time, and still potentially open to others? Maybe you are trying to give yourself a message here, that letting yourself become oversaturated is a pattern of behavior that you want to avoid in the future.

Anneintherain 12-14-2012 06:33 AM

I kind of thought what AnnabelMore said too, when I saw the TITLE of the post, I was reminded of your situation, then when I saw YOU had posted it I figured it was going to be a a question about your recent dating/stopping dating because you and E overdid it, so I was surprised to see you were asking about another person.

I don't know if you might be envious they seem to be doing it OK where it didn't work for you, or judging them because you think they aren't giving some of their established partners the caring you think they should or something totally different from that - I think as long as people make sure current relationships are stable, and all parties are content with how things are going and getting their needs met to stay in the relationship, there isn't anything wrong with dating additional people.

Phy 12-14-2012 07:26 AM

Same for me. I expected the threat to be about your and Elemental's poly-break and how things developed around it. I would second what Annabel and Anne already said. Something along the lines of recognizing the pattern, connecting it to your own experience and disagreeing with it or being concerned how long this may play out well and when the downside will come for your friends.

CherryBlossomGirl 12-14-2012 06:30 PM

Aha!
 
Wow, great responses! This forum is wonderful; thank you for your observations and wisdom - was feeling "stuck" on this and feel much clearer even just from having written the questions down, as well as from all of your responses.

Finding balance is a part of poly that both E and I is definitely something that we have struggled with coming out of the gate. "More people, more problems" is the motto, I believe.

I suppose watching someone else have five (now six) partners, and still be ready to date other people has really raised the question of, "How much time and energy do you have for anybody if you are giving it away to everybody?" Two of her partners also carry STIs, which is another scary factor to me.

AnnabelMore: Your post went straight to my heart. Yes. This.

It has definitely made us realize that we don't want to try and invest in so many people again in the future. Elemental and I had some long talks this morning about the importance of the sexual and emotional health of our relationship in the future, and how we don't want to put either at risk through irresponsible/unconscious expansion of our love.

Clarity is invaluable, as is this community. THANK YOU!


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