Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Looking for Direction (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34794)

Matrixx 12-13-2012 04:15 PM

Looking for Direction
 
Hello,
I'm looking for some direction on how to make my marriage work. My husband and I have been married for 10 years now with two kids and I'm about to have our third any day now. Over the years my husband has had three relationships with other women that never got physical just emotional. The last time was just told to me a few days ago. Over the last month he has been very open and talking a lot about poly and the different options there are. I have only been in a sexual relationship with my husband and I have always been happy with that. I believe he feels that he has missed out on something because he as well has only been with me. The last emotional affair he had went a little further than I was comfortable with. He wanted her to send pictures of herself to him. I'm feeling betrayed by this. I feel like he only pushed the poly stuff on me to make his relationship with this other woman seem ok. I myself am hesitant to have a physical relationship with another and I do not want him being physical with another woman either. Talking with couples and flirting seem ok to me. Is there a way to make this marriage work and how do we decide on boundaries. I love my husband and don't want to lose our relationship because I am too close minded.

Thank you for any input.
Matrixx

GalaGirl 12-13-2012 04:49 PM

Welcome! Are you the spouse of gingerbreadman?

First, he could agree to stop getting mixed up with other people and focus on tending the relationship he has with you. His behavior is not forthright or honest if you are having to "discover" him crossing boundaries.

Quote:

I myself am hesitant to have a physical relationship with another and I do not want him being physical with another woman either. Talking with couples and flirting seem ok to me.Is there a way to make this marriage work and how do we decide on boundaries.
You sound willing in some things -- talk, flirt, maybe read articles? But you do not sound ok with him exchanging photos or dating or sex or anything like that at this point in time. So I don't think you have a problem with boundaries there! You are clear about your line in the sand!

You seem to desire a monogamous relationship with him. Is this a hard limit? (no way, jose NEVER EVER changing!) Or a soft limit (in time it could change?)

Tell him so clearly.
  • At this time, I am willing to ______.
  • At this time,I am NOT willing to _______.
  • At this time, to be in right relationship with me I expect you to _____.
  • Are you willing to honor that? Or not willing?

Draw you line in the sand. And not just about relationships. But in communication.

Because that seems to be the other problem here. He hides things and you stumble upon it, and then that feeds insecure like "what ELSE is he no communicating?" Could this help you? That's how my spouse and I agree to be together and treat each other.

What boundaries is he having trouble keeping? Why does he have trouble?
  • Is it because he does not know the line in the sand? Have you told him clearly that's your limit?
  • Is it because he does not know his own wants, needs, and limits at the time of making agreements/promises? And then comes to find he promised things he cannot in good faith deliver?

Some reading links if you need them:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/poly_complex.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/

HTH!
Galagirl

kdt26417 12-14-2012 02:27 AM

Hello Matrixx,
Welcome to our forum.

You and your husband should probably have a long talk in which you decide and express what each of you can compromise on, and what each of you can't compromise on. Then cross check that with things each of you absolutely want/need in the marriage, ane what each of you can't live with/without.

A lot may depend on how important this polyamorous stuff is to your husband, how far he really wants it to go, how much of it can he live without, how much can you live with. To me his actions seem to hint that he wants to go further, but you have to decide if there's any way that can be acceptable. Perhaps if he goes quite slow, and gives you a chance to get to know the new person (whoever that is)?

I wish there was a way to guarantee your marriage will come out intact. That depends on many things. Even if you don't divorce, there's a chance you could end up with a marriage where he resents you or you resent him or both (and that's not a very good option either).

GalaGirl's post has a lot of good info in it, so read it through closely a couple of times.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:25 AM.