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-   -   Lost and confused please help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34732)

OhSoLost 12-12-2012 05:13 PM

Lost and confused please help!
Hi Everyone, I am sure this topic has been discussed over and over again and I am sorry to bring it up again. I have read so many of the posts. I can only hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and someone out there can help me see a light. I suppose I just need some one to talk to. Some one who has gone through what I am at the moment that could tell me about their experiences and perhaps help me on my way. I am going to apologize in advance for my horrifically long post.

I am a mono. Hubby after 12 years has now fallen in love with someone and says he has more love to give. So now after 12 years he is suddenly poly. He wants me to accept this and and be ok with it. (just for the record he does not want me to see anyone else as he feels he can not share me) The other person is someone we know who is/was(Im not even sure I want to know them some days) dear to us. They were never close (If you would like more details you are welcome to email me to explain some more).

I know I have my own fears and insecurities and I am working on them to make a better me but these things take time. This other relationship was deceitful for a week or 2 as they kept from me the fact that they had feelings for one another (even though in my gut I know there was something going on). It took a lot of crying and talking but eventually I realized its something he needs and well lets try it and see (at that point I must say I was hoping it was just a thing he was going through and it would come to and end soon but I see now a few months on that its this or I go my own way) I feel we perhaps jumped into this to fast and I an nervous, confused and at times feel unloved and just a side step.

With out going into to much detail this all started about 5 months ago when I helped this "friend" in a difficult time. She came to have feelings for my hubby. They chatted and decided they wanted to explore this avenue. They saw each other 2 or 3 times over a month period as she lived quite far away. She has since moved closer and we now have gone to more of a "scheduled" time where he spends certain days there and certain evenings there and then the rest of the time is home with me (he sees her every day and sometimes spends up to 15 hours with her all except for 1 day which I have him to myself for us) . We do not have such busy social /work lives so this medium was to work well.

It is very difficult for me but I try to accept they need their time alone too and I have in no way tried to stop him from being there when he is supposed to be there. My issues come in when - while he is there he does chat to me from time to time but it is far and few between however when he is with me (perhaps its just my insecurity and imagination) he chats with her quite a bit. When he is there he says he loves me (I know he does) and he misses me. I do however find it hard when he says these things but then he would for example say he will be home at X time but then arrives an hour or 2 later. Or says he will be leaving soon and then an hour has passed and he is still there.

I know this may sound petty to some but it is a huge trigger at the moment as I feel they have their time together and by him not being home when he says he will be (90% of the time he is never here when he says he will be) or does not chat with me as much as he does with her it kind of is being disrespectful to me. They get A LOT of alone time together. We tried to share the times equally (except overnights those have not happened yet but are in the near future) . I have had this man in MY life 24/7/365 for all this time and it is a HUGE adjustment for me to even go down this poly road with them. I have compromised and given up things I never thought I even would and I feel that when they behave in this matter they walk all over me and it is NOT fair.

She also has stopped chatting with me for the moment as that is her coping mechanism. Frankly I think she feels very guilty for what she is doing and THAT the real reason. I have spoken to hubby about this but he says to just hang on there she will be back to her old self soon.

If anyone has gone through something similar or would like to chat with me and perhaps help me find a common ground here please email me.

OhSoLost :(

GalaGirl 12-12-2012 06:58 PM

You have a lot going on there. BREATHE. I am sorry you have struggles right now. :(

Dealing in polyship manangement skill things is moot if you don't even want to be in polyship with them to begin with. This sounds more like an affair foisted upon you. And you going along with it from fear of not being with him any more. Is that it? Does anything here resonate?


What is it you want most for YOUR romantic life? Leaves name out. Just put "a person who..." Then when you get that articulated to yourself see if he/she measure up. Do they? Don't they?

You write clearly though. You have identified these problem things:

1) This is the biggest question -- You are not sounding like a willing participant in polyship here. You went along with it hoping it would "go away" in time. It has not. You must reconcile that -- it is not self-respecting behavior to do things you do not REALLY want to do and are not in line with your values/beliefs/wants/needs. Or to KEEP ON doing them.

2) Husband had deceitful start to extra relationship with your friend. You are not thrilled with this. You may need apology from both him and the friend. Demand they apologize for this trust betrayal. Whether or not you can or choose to forgive is another story. But calling this into account would help your own well being I think. For your own strong boundaries upkeep.

3) Husband wants you to not date others because he does not want to share you. (Well, did you want to share HIM?) You are not thrilled with this -- you are a person, not a toy. He cannot make unilateral decisions for the marriage. This restriction leaves you no space at all -- you don't get what you seem to want from him (just you and him) and you don't get access to meeting your needs elsewhere because he wants privileges from you he's not willing to reciprocate. That's unfair and needs calling into account also.

There is nothing wrong with ethical monoship. There is nothing wrong with ethical polyship. There is nothing wrong with trying something you are WILLING to try to see the outcome. But once results are in? There IS something wrong with it if you find out it goes against the grain and you KEEP ON going against your own true self. This is not self nourishing. Get back into right relationship with yourself.

And yes, getting back into right relationship with yourself? It may mean facing not being with him and breaking up if he doesn't meet your needs in partnered relationship any more and he's not willing to change his behaviors to help meet your needs.

You have the right to have YOUR relationship come in the shape YOU want. It is not just him having the right to have his relationship come how he wants.

4) He has poor time management and not balancing ORE and NRE. You list these needs from him:
  • For him to limit chatting with her when he is spending time with you to ______. Be PRESENT with you when he is with you.
  • For him to be PUNCTUAL and honor his scheduled time spent with you.
  • For him to uphold his responsibilities at home (chores, and so on)
  • For him to continue cultivate his relationship with your and provide support and nurture and not have you have "leftovers" of his care and attention.

Could bring these things to his attention to see if he is willing to change his behavior on those items or not so that your needs are met.


She also has stopped chatting with me for the moment as that is her coping mechanism. Frankly I think she feels very guilty for what she is doing and THAT the real reason. I have spoken to hubby about this but he says to just hang on there she will be back to her old self soon.
You could talk to her direct about her behavior rather than thru him. Deal with each one directly. Avoid triangulation. It's not like he can make her change her behavior. Only she can. You can't change his behavior. You can only control how YOU choose to behave.

Again -- dealing in polyship management stuff is moot tho, if you really at core don't even want to be here.

Solve that bit first. DO you really want to be here? Not for him. But for YOU? Yes or no?

I know this is not fun to feel. :(

Hang in there. Sort yourself out.


OhSoLost 12-13-2012 09:42 AM

Thank you Gala for your reply and feed back. I did just vent off yesterday and did not bring all my thoughts and feelings to the forum. Its been a tough road for me. Very long and VERY bumpy to say the least. Every time i seem to make some progress I hit a bump and it feels like hell and that I actually got nowhere. Does it ever get easier?

- What is it you want most for YOUR romantic life? I just want to be happy again as we were before we arrived at this station. I had a very rough upbringing and he lifted me. He understood me and loved me and helped me grow into someone that could learn to trust again. I have become a better person and have become more comfortable with myself. He knows me better than anyone (even family that have "known" me all my life). Sometimes I feel he even knows me better than I know myself at times.

1) He was deceitful and he has apologized but it takes time to build that trust up again. I was very angry with him for wanting to explore this.

2) Husband wants you to not date others because he does not want to share you. (Well, did you want to share HIM?) You are not thrilled with this -- you are a person, not a toy. - I have to agree here however I don't foresee myself wanting to have someone else. He is enough for me BUT should the time come and I do "fall in love" with another (besides her) I do hope that he will be able to accept it and allow me the same space that I have given him to explore. If that is not the case I think that would be the time to re assess the situation and see where to go from there. We will cross that bridge IF and when we get there. ( he seems to be OK with her and I having a full on romantic relationship - it has crossed my mind in years gone by but I have been confused about it and never really tried to explore that avenue)

3) You are not sounding like a willing participant in polyship here. You went along with it hoping it would "go away" in time. It has not. - I will admit that is what I was feeling yes, I have decided that I would like to give this a try and see where we go and if it can work for us (otherwise after the last 5 months I would not still be here. I would have walked). I know it can work. I don't hate these people. I love them both, I love him VERY much and I do miss her in my life. I just have to get over my hurt and and resentment I guess. Over the last 5 months they have grown so much together. I feel it is wrong for me to stand in the way and demand that its either US (him and I) or THEM (him and her) as that is not what he wants. He wants us all to be happy together. We are adults and we CAN make this happen but we all need to work together and make sure that everyone is happy and every one is for filled otherwise this is not going to go down well in the end.

4) He has poor time management and not balancing ORE and NRE.
- limit chatting - I have done this, it is better but he needs to work more on it as his timing really sucks at the best of times (like when we arrive at a restaurant he lets her know we have arrived safely but somehow manages to get sucked into messaging her for up to 10/15mins). He is aware that it bothers me and is trying to work on it.
- PUNCTUAL - We have also discussed in the passed. He manages to get it right and all is well for a while but then its back to the same old tune :( We have discussed this AGAIN and he will try again. ( I know he is trying he just needs to get it right already!!! LOL)
- Your last 2 points have also been discussed and he will try harder ( I hope he can do all the above as those are the things that are making me feel like I cant go on with this at this point. I am sure as we go on there will be more bumps that we need to smooth but these ARE the main things right now)

I have opened the door with her on more than one occasion and said we need to have a good talk and she has agreed. I have not approached her again as I know shes the type that will breach that when she is ready. I feel that its not fair for me to do all the leg work and push and sort things all the time. SHE is the one that decided she wants to go down this road before I even knew she was thinking about it. I know shes not happy that its not just him and her but she knows as he has told her he will never let me go and she still decided to push on. So she also needs to step up here and compromise and do some work.

I am still VERY angry at her (she is a mono by the way and always has been). I have known her for over 20 years and expected her to respect my relationship to begin with. She should never have abused our friendship and help that offered and decide to walk into my life and ruffle it this way knowing me the way I am. I feel she should have walked away but I guess she was selfish and needs to tend to her selfish needs. It will take a LONG time for me to forgive her, I feel shes wrecked my life. We were once very close, I do love her as a friend and miss her dearly and I suppose I wish she would step up and work on our friendship. Its very difficult to face her and talk to her but it is something that has to be done to be able to move forward with all this. I do hope that one day we can get back to were we once were and grow from there to make this a bright pretty picture. I guess we need that chat for me to be able to move on and let go of the resentment but that is for her to come back.

I think I came to this forum as I need people to talk to as there is no one here that I could talk to about this and let my feelings out besides him and her. She would have been the one I went to if this was going on with someone else.

I just want to get rid of the hurt and the anger I feel towards her. I want him to understand (he says he does but I don't know) that this is not an easy thing to get through and that his actions need to show that his words have true meaning. If they don't then how can I learn to trust him again and grow in this relationship?

Thanks for listening and for the help and support :)

Today is sleep over day, suprisingly I am ok at the moment lets hope for the best for the rest of the day and an ok night alone.

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