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-   -   holiday - vee - ackkkkk (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34706)

NovemberRain 12-12-2012 03:29 AM

holiday - vee - ackkkkk
 
So. Every year, CBF's family does this huge xmas eve deal with another family. They've been having the same meal for a generation now, and there's new little ones in the tradition. Same fabulous meal year after year. (his mom is a gourmet cook) I've been going to it since we started dating (7 years?ish)(I don't tell time well).

We were told it was 'cancelled' this year, because there is a competing family event; but she got some of the stuff for the dinner anyway (other event is unpredictable).

FBF has invited me to spend a fabulous xmas with him (romantic hotel, etc).

I am now all torn up about this. I did tell FBF I was worried about CBF being alone. He asked if we should spend xmas with CBF. :) I love them.

I think CBF will tell me to go anyhow, I don't think he tells me how he really feels about, well, anything.

Any thoughts, support, advice? I feel foolish for asking, even, but y'all have smarts about this stuff, and you are my support. I'm not even really sure what my question is.

*gah*

MeeraReed 12-12-2012 03:54 AM

What do YOU want to do for Christmas?

Could the romantic hotel thing with FBF be rescheduled for another time?

Would CBF be comfortable with FBF joining you both for Christmas with CBF's family? Would his family be welcoming to all?

What are you doing for New Year's? Maybe one guy for Xmas, the other for New Year's?

NovemberRain 12-12-2012 04:13 AM

Excellent questions, thanks, Meera.

I kinda really want the romantic xmas with FBF. CBF family xmas is too tentative to plan on. CBF does not attach ridiculous amounts of romance to our relationship. When we've gone to the big family dinner, we usually get toasted (and stay there overnight) and do presents in the morning (except when he's had to go to work at o'dark hundred ~ which has been often). This year, CBF will have three days off, as SundayMonday are his usual days, and he will have xmas off. So, potentially I'll be gone and so will his family. I have no idea (yet, I will ask) if that has meaning for him or not. In the last two weeks he hasn't lifted a finger to arrange time to spend with me (I'm a little ticked about that, but it's actually not unusual), I'm not holding it against him, but it makes me think it won't matter much if I go off for xmas.

FBF has been invited to xmas with CBF's family often; and knows he's always welcome and we specifically always invite. He's quite anti-social, and averse to large family gatherings. I'm averse to my own family gatherings, but I quite enjoy other peoples' families. :D

We have spent New Year's together in the past, often (before the vee). New Year's has always been an extremely romantic holiday for me, but it has never been so with either of them. For them it is a drink and pass out kind of holiday.

However, CBF may be quite content with promise of New Year's. That's encouraging.

GalaGirl 12-12-2012 04:14 AM

You could ask FBF and CBF for their opinions and wants, needs, and limits on how they want to spend the holiday time.

You could assume positive intent and honesty when they give you the feedback. You could give your own honest feedback that your #1 preference is the hotel thing.

See what lines up. See what does not. All come to agreement/happy medium and move it forward so everyone gets the time/attention they need.

I'm more concerned about this:

Quote:

I think CBF will tell me to go anyhow, I don't think he tells me how he really feels about, well, anything.
Why do you think that? Does he chronically not share information?

Galagirl

NovemberRain 12-12-2012 05:38 AM

Thanks, GG. :)

[aside: When we first came to California, many moons ago, my mother was horrified to find the freeway signs in San Francisco pointed to the 'GG Bridge.' She just thought it sacrilegious or something]

If that man's lips are moving, he's lying, pretty much. But I think he doesn't actually tell himself the whole truth. We haven't been the three of us together since this happened. We've had a few times scheduled, and he (CBF) has managed to flake out of them one way or another (usually by getting drunk and 'missing' or 'forgetting'). So, I think he's a bit reluctant to face the reality, while the world he's constructed in his mind, intellectually, is positive and works well for him.

I did, just now, have a conversation with him about it. He was talking about inviting FBF to family thing. I said, 'well, FBF has invited me for xmas, there' And with no hesitation, and all enthusiasm, he said 'that's wonderful, hunny.'

I actually won't know till tomorrow if & what times I can get out of work.

GalaGirl 12-12-2012 05:42 AM

Sounds like you have your holiday time sorted then?

But ack...

Quote:

If that man's lips are moving, he's lying, pretty much. But I think he doesn't actually tell himself the whole truth.
That doesn't sound good. :(

Galagirl

NovemberRain 12-12-2012 05:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 171512)
That doesn't sound good. :(

Yah, it's not good. And I'm accustomed to it. I was reading someone else in here, realizing that her husband lied, in spite of knowing it's not 'cheating' and being open, etc. It gave me strength.

It is his way, and it really isn't malicious. It's a lifetime of protection. I have learned to tread with caution, and as long as I remember he's usually lying, I'm less likely to get attached to the words or to any potential meanings. I enjoy him when he shows up, and I try to let go of when he does not.

ThatGirlInGray 12-12-2012 06:28 AM

I think this might be a good time to accept his words as the full truth, and then if they turn out not to be he's the one who has hurt himself by not being fully honest with you or himself. Until his lying causes more damage than safety he has no reason to rethink his responses.

(Sorry if this sounds harsh, you know I <3 you and get frustrated when I feel like you're putting up with too much.)

nycindie 12-12-2012 01:08 PM

If I were you, I'd just take a stance and tell FBF "yes" to the hotel, and tell CBF you want to spend NYE with him.

SNeacail 12-12-2012 05:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NovemberRain (Post 171513)
It is his way, and it really isn't malicious. It's a lifetime of protection. I have learned to tread with caution, and as long as I remember he's usually lying, I'm less likely to get attached to the words or to any potential meanings.

I relate to living with this. It can help to repeat back to him what you heard him say and clarify that he's not going to be pissy and passive aggressive on you (getting drunk and FORGETTING to show up to something).


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