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-   -   are there poly people living mono on here? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3469)

luckygirl 08-14-2010 05:11 PM

are there poly people living mono on here?
 
Hi, I've been cruising around, and I seem to find a lot of people of the monogamous mindset accepting a poly partner and learning to embrace that lifestyle because they love their partner and want to give them what they want. I haven't come across anyone yet who is poly and living monogamously because they want their partner to have the relationship that they want. The furthest is seems to go is living monogamy "for now" until the partner is okay with the idea.
No judgement or anything, I'd just like to hear from people who are doing it that way. I've heard some variations on "monogamy is something you WANT, polyamorous is something I NEED (or something I AM)", and would like some more insight into this.

Ariakas 08-14-2010 05:26 PM

I wish I could remember the use. I remember someone being in this situation. A poly considering giving up on their being poly to try and be mono.

I guess it depends on the level of poly someone is. I suppose it would be possible to wing it, but I would think there would always be doubt lingering.

For me personally, I couldn't imagine being 100% monogamous again. Its been so long since I have felt that restricted that it would be very foreign to me.

Great question, I look forward to seeing any answers. But I do wonder if poly's living mono, would even be on a poly site. It seems like it would be counterproductive.

FitChick 08-14-2010 11:12 PM

my current partner tried to be mono with his last girlfriend because she wasn't happy with him being happy,but in the end the relationship self destructed because he could not be something he wasn't. With me,(I am mono) I accept his poly status and his secondary whom I've gotten to known as a fanastic friend.

marksbabygirl 08-15-2010 02:15 AM

If my husband asked me to stifle my poly tendencies, I would. I love HIM and I committed to HIM and our family - and if it would hurt him to see me with other men/women, I would not do so. I could not deliberately hurt him by walking a path he wasn't comfortable with.

I don't see that happening though... he's connected with a very lovely lady, and they seem to be hitting it off :) I'm super happy for him.

I'm still looking though. The right person will come along for me. I just haven't found him or her yet. Or they haven't found me. :p

:D

Honestheart 08-15-2010 02:48 AM

well dunno if this fits but my ex said at one point that he'd be exclusive to me and his other significant other only in order to keep the monogamous significant other happy because she said she could only handle one other woman.... that's kinda a poly person going as close to monogamy as i've known personally.
but i don;t knwo if he'd give up poly forever. he's done the break thing.a nd when i asked about if he ever would go back to monogamy if his sigificant others asked would he and he never gave me an answer...cant say i blame him, thats a toughy!
hope this helps ur curiosity.

Honestheart 08-15-2010 02:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 40021)
... But I do wonder if poly's living mono, would even be on a poly site. It seems like it would be counterproductive.

WELLLLLL there are those of us who ummmm..are questioning the ...err... monogamous nature of themselves?
u know, those poly-mono relationships whereby the mono partner questions if they themselves are poly. or those who are mono, got into a poly relationship.... out of the poly relationship. and now questions their monogamous natures LOL
so THEY'D be on the site....
but really, if i were poly and choose to live monogamously for the sake of a partner i loved i'd still be on the poly sites for support as well as fellowship with fellow poly folk. cus afterall, even if i weren't practicing poly i could at least feel a kindred spirit with those on the sites... u know?

bimblynim 08-15-2010 09:26 AM

I wonder if there are lots of people like that (poly but commited to mono relationships) that make it work for their partner and probably to an extent societal expectation. I only recently came across polly as a concept myself and as it happens when I told one of my friends about it she said that she's always felt that way (poly) and she now wishes she had known about it before because she is now totally committed to her mono partner and doesn't feel she could "change the rules" at this stage. It would be interesting to know. Good food for thought ta

Ariakas 08-15-2010 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Honestheart (Post 40099)
WELLLLLL there are those of us who ummmm..are questioning the ...err... monogamous nature of themselves?
u know, those poly-mono relationships whereby the mono partner questions if they themselves are poly. or those who are mono, got into a poly relationship.... out of the poly relationship. and now questions their monogamous natures LOL
so THEY'D be on the site....
but really, if i were poly and choose to live monogamously for the sake of a partner i loved i'd still be on the poly sites for support as well as fellowship with fellow poly folk. cus afterall, even if i weren't practicing poly i could at least feel a kindred spirit with those on the sites... u know?

Fair enough, thanks for the insight :)..

redpepper 08-15-2010 06:32 PM

My tersiary has decided to be in a mono relationship with his girlfriend for the time being while they establish themselves and he goes through his divorce. She is now moving in with him it turns out... I don't know what it will all mean in the end, so I wait. I have known him for years and he has come in and out of my life. I don't think this will mean the end for us. Just a long delay.

I think it's a really good idea to be mono for awhile actually. I think it helps the relationship reach it's maximum potential. It helps build a foundation for the couple I think. It's important to keep talking I think, and seeing if the relationship has primary potential or if it should be mono.

jkelly 08-15-2010 09:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 40145)
I think it's a really good idea to be mono for awhile actually. I think it helps the relationship reach it's maximum potential. It helps build a foundation for the couple I think. It's important to keep talking I think, and seeing if the relationship has primary potential or if it should be mono.

Hunh. If I thought that being poly- was keeping my relationships from reaching their maximum potential, or got in the way of building a foundation, I'd stop being poly-.

From my perspective, I don't get how this advice is supposed to work in practice. Should I dump everyone I'm dating every time I meet someone new in order to be monogamous with them? That'd be incredibly cruel, and importing one of the worst elements of being in monogamous relationships into polyamory.

Further, I'm really clear that none of my relationships "should be mono", since I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. So if there is some relationship out there that "should be mono", I shouldn't be in it in the first place! Being monogamous for that relationship would just prolong my being in the wrong relationship.


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