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-   -   confused girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3463)

AliS 08-14-2010 05:27 AM

confused girlfriend
 
I read the forums and most writing are the husband or wife....I am the girlfriend and not sure my place in this, especially since I am new to this and new in the relationship. My boyfriend does keep saying we will find our way but its still hard to figure out my place in this.

I know I don't want someone in my life full time and the thought of myself having someone else is appealing I just find I have so many questions and no answers.

rpcrazy 08-14-2010 05:43 AM

what do you mean "the girlfriend". Did your boyfriend tell you he's Poly? Or did you drop the Poly bomb? or was it mutual?

Also, what do you mean you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.

Polyamory is the pretty much the exact opposite of what you seem to want(by saying you don't want full time). It takes extreme commitment, dedication and unconditional love to make poly relationships work. It sound like what you need to is to figure out who you are, what you want, and to date and connect to people and find out what you like. While you date, remember to have self control with you self and tell the truth to people you are involved with. That you don't want anything full time and want to be open.

If you have any questions i can talk to you, pm me and i'll give you my email

AliS 08-14-2010 05:47 AM

i am the girlfriend to the married guy. I know this is right for me but i am just trying to find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon. I so much want to be part of their life, yes his, his wifes and her boyfriends....but its just so new to me.... Am I just thinking too much??

Ariakas 08-14-2010 06:02 AM

It does seem rare that the poly additions speak out, but they are around. I think a lot of the emotional limelight is thrown on the couple so sifting through the couples having challenges can be hard, but it is there. I think the emotional wrenching tends to come from the couples being thrown into this. As to you specifically

I don't think you are overthinking, You sound like you are being thoughtful. You will find your own way but you can study what others have done, right or wrong. This may help you decide what you want out of it and help you foresee pitfalls of being in a V.

Have you take a chance to read anything by Franklin. http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html its a good place to start.

Continue asking questions and please feel free to elaborate on your feelings being involved in a V

The irony of "find my way in a world that everyone frowns upon"...not everyone does. There are a lot of open people. Or indifferent people. Or better yet, people that want you to be happy. Don't be concerned with what others think and enjoy what you can :)

ari

AliS 08-14-2010 06:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rpcrazy (Post 39959)

Also, what do you mean you don't want someone in your life full time? If you don't want a committed relationship, then you should make sure to tell the people you're in relationships with that you don't want commitment.



What I mean by someone full time is that I dont want to live with someone. I have just come out of a 23 year marriage and need my space and I know the Poly relationship is what I want. Being the girlfriend of the married man in this, he is not with me all the time, I get the space I need but your comment did make me realise that yes, this is a commitment of a different sort... and yes, I am happy with that :)

Ariakas 08-14-2010 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliS (Post 39964)
What I mean by someone full time is that I dont want to live with someone. I have just come out of a 23 year marriage and need my space and I know the Poly relationship is what I want. Being the girlfriend of the married man in this, he is not with me all the time, I get the space I need but your comment did make me realise that yes, this is a commitment of a different sort... and yes, I am happy with that :)

To be honest, thats a perfect example of someone who suits a secondary relationship. Very nice hearing that perspective as it does seem to be rare in many cases.

AliS 08-14-2010 06:25 AM

Thank you... I have been wrestling with myself for months about what I want and this seems perfect.

jkelly 08-14-2010 06:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliS (Post 39967)
I have been wrestling with myself for months about what I want and this seems perfect.

Congrats on finding something that is working well for you!

FitChick 08-14-2010 07:51 AM

I think its great you have found something that works for you,it means you get to meet lots of interesting new people and have some new experiences,all while 'recovering' from your marital breakup! :)

Vexxed 08-15-2010 05:33 AM

I'm a "poly addition" also. I'm dating a married woman that has one other boyfriend.

AliS, you are not alone.


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