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-   -   What I think I want (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=346)

StarGazer 06-09-2009 02:58 AM

What I think I want
 
I am new to polyamory. I was introduced to it by an ex who was polyamorous about a year ago. I looked into it a little but didn't find any forums for it ( I don't think I looked that hard)- and more or less assumed she'd be good at guiding me and if there was anything I'd need to know she'd tell me. I now know just how many things are wrong with that viewpoint, starting with the word "assumed".

I started looking into it more a few months ago, I think february or march, found that even if I wasn't poly myself I loved the basic ideas- the importance on communication, honesty, etc. They should be valued and taught more for every relationship, monogamous, platonic, business, etc. My partner got awkward about it, and still is, because they don't think they could ever be okay with me being with someone else- and are still paranoid I'll leave them for it, even though I'm still insistent that I won't. And I mean that...

But I recently found polyfamilies.com and it sort of clicked. The way one of the writer's put it, that they wanted a nest, sounds right for me. I don't know if I want multiple people to be in a romantic relationship with, that's actually a bit irrelevant in a "If it happens it happens, if it stays platonic that's fine" way. But I want a family like that.

You know how people want a big family, lots of kids, while some people only want one or two, or don't even want any? I feel like that with the adults. I still only want a maximum of one biological kid of mine, and to adopt any others (if the other people wnat more biological kids, well, they can work that out- one birth is enough for me), but I like the idea of a non-traditional family with more than two parental figures who love and trust each other as a family themselves- whether it's blood relatives, close friends, or a polyamorous family.

And I don't really know where to go from here. I don't know if my partner'd be any more okay with that, or if it's even possible for it to happen. I also know that you can't expect the perfect person/people to fall into your lap just by saying "I want this". But that's what I want.

I'm not sure what the point of posting this is, it might just be to get it out on paper... or html.

alphafour 06-09-2009 03:26 AM

I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I want a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I need to first develop a relationship with just one other person and with honesty, trust, and if I can use the word in a positive sense; co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I need a larger unit than two people, but had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.

Poly came in the back door, because; face it: Sex sells.

I have sold myself on it. I was a pushover.

StarGazer 06-09-2009 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1728)
I hear what you are saying. I feel much the same. I want a more developed and sharing atmosphere with my community, and I realized that I need to first develop a relationship with just one other person and with honesty, trust, and if I can use the word in a positive sense; co-dependence. We depend on each other to lift the union. I realized that I need a larger unit than two people, but had to start with one other before I could move to three. It's only logical.

It is logical. I'm sure it's possible that 3 people have developed a triad before a dyad was started, but I doubt it's common. Of course, adding another person is generally easier if both people agree to it. :/

Quote:

Poly came in the back door, because; face it: Sex sells.
My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I od know it sells for the majority.

alphafour 06-09-2009 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StarGazer (Post 1730)
My partner and I are asexual, so sex has never been a good marketing strategy for us, but I od know it sells for the majority.

I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?

I allow for most sexuality. I am judgemental as long as involves consenting adult humans, just curious.

(Of course if ET was involved, then you know might know my lovers;))

StarGazer 06-09-2009 04:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1734)
I don't want to pry, but when you say "asexual" are you referring to abstinence and celibacy, or mechanized pleasurable entertainment?

Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?

Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinance- many asexuals choose to be both of those, but there are those asexuals who have sex to please a sexual partner, and even those who enjoy sex. I know a few polyamorous asexuals, as well as those who have a polyamorous partner who has sex with other partners instead of asking the asexual.

Asexuals are capable of being romantic, and wanting to date, fall in love, etc which is why you'll see some who call themselves hetero/homo/bi/pan/etc-asexual, but not all are. This is a good resource if you're curious about it.

alphafour 06-09-2009 05:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StarGazer (Post 1735)
Er... "mechanized pleasurable entertainment"? What do you mean?

Love dolls or Bob. I just found out about BOB. It means 'battery operated boyfriend." I knew there were women who used such devices, but didn't know they called them Bob.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StarGazer (Post 1735)
Asexuality refers to a lack of sexual attraction. It is not celibacy or abstinance- many asexuals choose to be both of those,


It would seem an easy enough choice with what the link suggests. Thanks.

StarGazer 06-09-2009 05:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1737)
Love dolls or Bob. I just found out about BOB. It means 'battery operated boyfriend." I knew there were women who used such devices, but didn't know they called them Bob.

Ah, yeah, I heard of that in a webcomic- Girls With Slingshots- I had no idea women actually called them 'Bob'.

NeonKaos 06-09-2009 12:49 PM

After reading that link, I think it's possible that the "other guy" I fell in love with earlier this year could be "asexual", due to the fact that he told me he is grossed-out by the "wetness" of sex (and other reasons).

StarGazer 06-09-2009 01:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 1739)
After reading that link, I think it's possible that the "other guy" I fell in love with earlier this year could be "asexual", due to the fact that he told me he is grossed-out by the "wetness" of sex (and other reasons).

There are repulsed asexuals, it's entirely possible he was one.

River 06-09-2009 02:34 PM

At least some people who are repulsed by sex, or even disinterested in sex, have had some sort of sexual/emotional trauma -- often early in life, often memory repressed -- which results in this attitude. I will not say that all such people fit this description. Indeed, I think it far too common in our society that difference becomes pathologized. Some people may simply occupy the very far low end of the sexual appatite spectrum -- without that being the result of trauma, abuse, or psychological problems. Or physiological ones (such as hormonal balance).


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