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-   -   Recently Open, Looking for Support (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34577)

Trillian 12-08-2012 04:14 PM

Recently Open, Looking for Support
I recently came to the realization I have always been poly. I am bisexual, and have never hidden that fact. All of my relationships before my husband were poly in one nature or another. He was my first truly mono relationship and I have been totally faithful. After 5 years together I told my husband. He was hurt, more that I hadn't told him sooner than this is who I am.

He agreed to allow me to act upon what I feel is my nature. We're ironing out the fine print of what we're okay with. He's fine with women, but prefers they not be in our bed or house for sexual reasons. Men are alright as long as there is no penile penetration. My rules for women for him are to use protection from beginning to end, not in our home/bed, and a shower when he gets home. He understands I want more than just sex, but a real relationship.

I just wanted to know how other people began the journey after the difficult talk. What do your relationships look like now? Have rules changed? Any advice or input is appreciated.

DsmEvolution 12-08-2012 11:05 PM

First off, expect the rules to chance. Both of you will find that what you feel is acceptable will slowly grow to encompass more situations and people. When we first went open, we were allowed to do very little by ourselves, a little bit of kissing someone else and that was it. Now we are fully open and can do what we want on our own. That has now given way to broadening our interactions with others.

My partner has a few guys that he's close to, one of them that he spends the night with once or twice a week. I have a guy that I am seeing and it definitely looks like there is a genuine relationship starting.

Make sure you make "Communication is Key" as your new personal motto. Make sure your husband knows without a shadow of a doubt how much you still love him while you are embarking on your new relationship so that he knows that this new man is not a replacement.

A major rule that we have is that we do not start anything with someone new (Sexually or fledgling relationship) that we wouldn't not introduce to each other. For us, transparency and honesty is the key.

My current dream is that my new guy can meet my partner and become genuine friends and trust each other because they both have my best interest in mind and care for me.

Anneintherain 12-09-2012 08:19 AM

I don't have tons of relevant advice at the moment but just throwing out a (lot) of random thoughts about one specific aspect of it - you might want to talk about what will happen if one or both meet somebody and start dating them for awhile. If you can afford hotels that's great, but if not, it may limit your dating abilities if you can't bring people home for sexual reasons sometimes even if they become a fixture in your life.

We have a space at the other end of the house that is usable for dates, though I don't often choose to have them here if my husband is home for a number of reasons. I have run into the realization that most non single people have live in partners and/or kids and no privacy at home either, and just wanted to point out it would suck if you met somebody and started dating and then figured out neither of you had anywhere to go.

Years ago our my first agreement with that partner was if sex was at our house, change the sheets right after so they are clean when we go to bed together (original idea was no sex there but it only took a few weeks to realize it wasn't practical for us). It's the agreement in this relationship, too though our bed is only used when my husband is out of town as the last thing I feel like doing at the end of a date is laundry and bedmaking :rolleyes:. Showering is just a polite things you do when you live with somebody unless they enjoy the idea you were just with somebody else (which certainly is a thing for plenty of people)

So yes, there will probably be some change, especially if you do want to have sex with men too at some point, which is the obvious issue where there's going to be lots of stuff to work on. Wishing you well!

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