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-   -   Need help w my anti-poly feelings (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34575)

AlixDomme 12-08-2012 04:01 PM

Need help w my anti-poly feelings
 
I am having such a hard time w poly. I had a perfectly happy monogamous marriage for 4 years. Then we had deep discussions and decided to try poly (I've never liked feeling caged in). But I am insanely jealous and worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough for him eats at me.

Our poly has been that we date others but we live together. We were in a triad briefly which was nice but didnt last. I experienced compersion and was not jealous of them at all which was miraculous since I am such a jealous person.

I still despise a lot about poly. For instance, I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I dont want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm poly. Or that it's all about sex.

Even though I am sexually experimental and into bdsm I still feel like a "good girl". I will never be a self-proclaimed slut. My virtue is important to me. I can count the number of ppl I've slept w on my fingers and I'm proud of that.

I want to close our relationship but then I will feel like I am caged in. I want to keep our relationship open for my sake but then when he starts dating ppl I get unstable w jealousy all over again.

I WANT to be ok w poly. I WANT to work on my jealousy. And ive tried....Ive read books, gone to a therapist who is poly herself, and i've journaled. But I just cant make the jealousy disappear. I cant get rid of negative thoughts about poly. In a way I feel like poly has ruined my life. Without it things were good enough. We were grateful for what we had. Now it feels like we will always be searching for something more and never perfectly happy.

What can I do? :(

BoringGuy 12-08-2012 04:15 PM

Your post is full of "I base my self-worth on what other people think."

Then you say "I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts" and follow with "I want to keep our relationship open for my sake but then when he starts dating ppl I get unstable w jealousy all over again".

So, basically, the problem is you. You are not happy with yourself and are allowing other people to control your life. You need to take control of your life and find peace within yourself.

However, there is no such thing as perfect happiness or completion. The human condition is such that change is the only constant, and we can choose to learn and grow from change or we can spend untold amounts of energy resisting changes.

To thine own self be true.

AlixDomme 12-08-2012 04:19 PM

Yes i can see that. And maybe my reason for wanting to date ppl is for more people to make me feel good about myself/appreciated/needed.

Sick and twisted maybe but that's reality for me.

What are normal reasons for wanting more than one person? Why isnt one person good enough?

NovemberRain 12-08-2012 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlixDomme (Post 171163)
What are normal reasons for wanting more than one person? Why isnt one person good enough?

First, there's no reason to drag 'normal' into. No aspect of poly is 'normal' if you're talking about statistics. The fact that tons of people do it means it happens, and that can be 'normal' but it's not statistically normally because way more people are not-poly than are poly.

Me? I want more than one person because one person can't take all the love I have to give. Both my bf's are fiercely independent, and not inclined to couple. I am the opposite of that. One person can be, has been, plenty for me in the past. It's a bit unfair, to my way of thinking, to expect one person to be one's everything.

nondy2 12-09-2012 12:13 AM

Don't worry! Poly isn't (too me ) all about notches on a bedpost. In fact, I haven't met many (if any) poly people who are sluts. Most people on here don't seem so. My husband's GF only sleeps with him (and he with her). My two gay friends always play together, and the poet I know has two husbands (no other lovers).

To me, the primary issue sounds like your security with your husband. What is the thing in that relationship that makes it solid? How is your relationship with him different from others?

I don't get jealous (too much) of my husband's GF because I know that we have something singular that he can't/doesn't have with other people. I DO get more possessive of lovers when the relationships are not yet stable. What cures jealousy for me is acknowledging deeply that my relationship with anyone cannot be replicated. Does that make sense?

GalaGirl 12-09-2012 05:13 AM

Your post reads like a vent to me. I hope you feel at least a tiny bit better. BREATHE. BREATHE. You sound all pent up. :( *hug*

Why does monogamous marriage make you feel "caged in?" What do you want rather than being "caged in?"

Since you had a triad before and that went well -- what is the jealousy thing stemming from?
  • The general dating process?
  • Or stemming from your partner becoming sexual with new people faster than you are comfortable?
  • Or something else?

What needs were met in the triad that are not met right now that you DO want met?

Why do you think that poly = slut? Who is making you out to be a slut? Why does what other people think bother you? What kinds of people are around you that do this poly slut shaming thing? What kinds of people would you rather be around?

Could think about articulating it from the angle of what you DO want. Rather than this big list of stuff you DO NOT want. Could try focusing on what you DO want instead.

I could tell you I want OJ to drink. Or I could spend all day telling you I do not want milk, I do not want coffee, I do not want vodka... and you still would not be able to help me find what I DO want. Because you do not know that I'm after some OJ.

So... perhaps if you articulate what it is you DO want, others on the forum could help you find it for yourself better?

HTH!
Galagirl

Magdlyn 12-09-2012 06:14 AM

This happens in poly. WE want the freedom to see others, but when our primary wants also to see/fuck others, we experience jealousy!

This can happen even with very experienced poly people.

If your husband is truly poly, he wants YOU and others. Not you, then leave you for her, then another her and another her...

MY reason for being poly is that I get crushes real easily and have a huge sex drive to boot. However, I am finding I can only really handle 2 lovers... when I get a third its just too stressful to handle, time-wise and emotionally.

My gf gives me love and entertainment and lots of cuddles, lots of "I love you's" and a little bit of sex. My bf gives me love and entertainment and some cuddles and lots of sex. He does not share as many of my interests as my gf. He doesn't like to say I love you (in a year, he's said it 3 times). They are both unique, and together, fulfill and satisfy me.

Dagferi 12-09-2012 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlixDomme (Post 171158)
But I am insanely jealous and worry I will lose him to someone better or with a better body and my fear of these things or that he is happy w someone else or I am not good enough for him eats at me.

You do realize that this can happen in more traditional relationships too. People cheat in "monogamous" relationships. You and your insecurities are the problem.

Quote:

I still despise a lot about poly. For instance, I feel like poly men are all about notches on bedposts. I want to mean something to someone. I want someone to NEED me. I dont want to feel like I'm just another replacable lover. I despise the thought of stds. I hate that people think I am "easy" if I'm poly. Or that it's all about sex.
If this is the type of man you keep running into I would say your picker is broken and you need to figure out why these types of men keep coming into your life because the common denominator is you.

Quote:

Even though I am sexually experimental and into bdsm I still feel like a "good girl". I will never be a self-proclaimed slut. My virtue is important to me. I can count the number of ppl I've slept w on my fingers and I'm proud of that.
Again the problem is YOU and your worries about what others think of you. You need to gain your self worth/esteem from within. What others think about you have no bearing on who you are.

Quote:

What can I do? :(
My advice would be a good therapist who clicks with you.

AlixDomme 12-09-2012 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nondy2 (Post 171213)
Don't worry! Poly isn't (too me ) all about notches on a bedpost. In fact, I haven't met many (if any) poly people who are sluts.

Maybe due to being in bdsm but most of the poly ppl I know are swingers and / or sleep w random ppl they don't even know. I see it happen a lot and it really is a turn off to me.

I know poly can be done in many ways so maybe I should just find new poly friends.

AlixDomme 12-09-2012 07:57 PM

Thanks, last 3 posters! I really appreciate all you had to say. I know my self worth is an issue...I rely on others for my happiness now. 5 yrs ago (pre-marriage) I was more independent and grounded. Now I am much more needy. I don't know how to get back to where i was bus yes, I want to.


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