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-   -   Need advice on dealing with my own feelings... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34555)

AJ1 12-07-2012 11:51 PM

Need advice on dealing with my own feelings...
 
...or, at least, maybe finding the right word for them??

I'm in the throes of NRE with my new beau, and DH is happy for me. He is busy with work and some side projects right now, and my being otherwise occupied makes him feel less guilty about all the time he is devoting to work. Sounds like a win-win, right? Yet, I still can't shake this guilty feeling I have about being so ecstatically happy. Maybe it is just my puritan history that makes me feel like anything good is bad? I find myself asking all the time if DH is ok, and he hasn't given me any indications that he's not. But for some reason, this round, I just can't seem to shake off guilt.

This isn't my first BF, so I'm not really sure what my issue is.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Anneintherain 12-08-2012 09:30 AM

I think lots of people who are seeing more than one person at a time have guilt now and again, maybe especially if things are going well.

http://lookingthrough.us/2011/03/ask...is-poly-guilt/

I personally decided Jesus was AOK with me being super happy so there was nothing to feel badly about "morally" since my husband said he was fine. Learn to trust your husband. There is always a chance that he is a big old liar, but until that turns out to be the case, assume everybody is happy if they don't say otherwise, and enjoy how much love you have in life.

Hmm I guess since you cant seem to shake off the guilt this time...is there a new dynamic you want to, or have, explored with your partner like BDSM or some specific kink that you haven't brought up with your husband...or are you fantasizing about having both partners live with you or having kids with them when you think DH would say HELL NO. If it is something like that, identifying it and/or discussing it with him may help.

Daysleeper 12-08-2012 10:57 AM

Take a deep breath. Imagine that you came home tomorrow and your husband was bouncing up and down with joy about something other than you. How would you feel? I'm guessing pretty good.

One of the great parts of relationships is sharing in the joy of your SO. My husband is a sports fanatic, and in the past we have argued about his commitment to sports. However, the thing that helped me most in developing a supportive attitude was seeing how happy my husband was when he won a game. When he gets home he dances around the room and cheers and carries me around... It's really a great time.

The last thing I would want is for him to come home feeling or acting guilty for something I am ok with him doing. Things and people besides me should make him happy, and I am a beneficiary of that happiness. Your husband may see this in a similar way.

You don't have to share the play by play details with your husband but do share your happiness with him. It's really nice to see the positive effect your choices have made on your partner.


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