Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   How to return to old normal (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34508)

repliesplease 12-07-2012 01:10 AM

How to return to old normal
A year ago my wife, best friend and I started a threesome. It was the first time my wife and I had done this. Everything was amazing. We all love each other. His and her friendship grew deeper and they are best friends too.
Our trio used to include sexy time; all three of us together and sometimes she and he alone. We all made mistakes along the way, so the sex stopped. Now itís the platonic three musketeers. I miss what used to be. Itís been four months since the last time there was any physical intimacy but everything else has stayed the same. We still spend as much free time together as possible. He still sleeps over at least one night every weekend. We have fun together and are happy spending time in a trio. Sometimes the more fun we are having the more difficult it is for me to stave off the sadness. The happy is peppered with sadness.
I believe that if youíre having sex with someone you love then itís a relationship and if youíre having sex with a best friend itís a relationship. To me there is the loss of a relationship. Neither one of them want to acknowledge my point of view. The whole experience was just something that happened, repeatedly, for eight months. Am I wrong? Maybe itís because from their point of view we talked about it once or twice but mostly it just happened out of nowhere. For me it was something Iíve thought about doing since I was a teen.
I have tried to explain how Iím feeling but they donít want to hear what Iím saying. I know they both would continue our threesome but they (he especially) are afraid of ruining our friendship and they want to protect the long term friendship. I believe he is also afraid of getting too comfortable and missing an opportunity to meet a lady, get married, and have a family. None of us can really conceive of a life without the other two.
I am having a really tough time right now dealing with a return to old normal. Itís especially difficult because the one year anniversary of the inception of our trio is this weekend.
It feels like I am trapped in a limbo where Iím doing what makes them happy even though there are days where it makes me miserable. They have told me to get over it and move on but I am stuck and canít figure out how to move on while maintaining everything else in the status quo. Help, I need advice. What am I supposed to do now?

AnnabelMore 12-07-2012 02:46 AM

What were the mistakes that were made? Why are they/he afraid that sex will ruin their friendship? Were you and he sexual with each other, and, if not, why does it matter to you so much what they do or don't do? Were you hoping that this would develop into a full-blown co-primary relationship, in which case you've sort of lost the potential to have a brother-husband, so to speak?

It's hard to know what to say without more context.

repliesplease 12-07-2012 03:37 AM

Mistakes were newbie mistakes, learning to navigate the change in the dynamic, jealousy issues, figuring out what everyone needed or wanted and trying to make the differing desires mesh.

He and I were not sexual together, unless we count when we were both with her at the same time. I guess compression is why it matters to me, I enjoyed the feeling I got from knowing they were enjoying each other. Plus I enjoy the three of us together.

I suppose the answer is I would have liked to develop into co primaries and I still would. I know he would be hurt and upset if or when we were to invite someone else in. I don't want to betray his friendship but wife and I don't want to end this poly adventure either. I guess that's why I'm stuck.

Background: wife and I are early 40s married 20 years. He is early 30s never been married best friend of mine / ours for 4 years.

Lotta 12-07-2012 03:54 AM

I think you should be honest and up front about what you want. I was a secondary to a couple who started pushing me away because they didnt know how to tell me they wanted to bring someone new in. Instead excuses were made.

GalaGirl 12-07-2012 05:40 PM

Am I hearing this right?
  • You and your friend and your wife tried on the "V" shape thing in the romance department. You guys all broke up the romance but remained friends.
  • You are having a hard time because you miss it. (Your own break up feelings.)
  • You are also having a hard time because you want to look to future in yoru healing process. You and wife eventually want to continue to explore polyamory and find your poly partner. While still being friends with your ex as you begin dating anew at that point in time.

To me that sounds like a conversation in friendship trio.

To let them know your temperature check in right now:
  • I am still working through break up feelings. Love being friends and good exes, but go easy on me here. I am processing still.
  • At some point in future I'm pretty sure I'll want to polydate with wife again. Everyone have that on the horizon. So it doesn't catch them off guard. Friend, I know you want to date too and perhaps marry/have kids. I'd be welcoming of your new person -- we are friends and would be willing to be friends with your new person too.
  • Let me know if there's anything I need to know about your guys and where your temperatures are at with things. I want to be respectful, but still my move my own things forward in good time.

All you can do it report your internal weather while you process.

Hang in there. Healing takes time and you are healing. You will be ok.


repliesplease 12-07-2012 07:53 PM

Thank you GalaGirl. I really needed somebody to validate my feelings and point me in the right direction.
You hit the nail on the head. I must let them know where I am at even though they are trying to ignore the elephant in the room.
Your advice is very appreciated.

GalaGirl 12-07-2012 08:29 PM

Well, it may be they have things they are trying to process too.

I think it's just easier to check and validate everyone is dealing with things.

Just like you needed validation and weren't getting it from them, but felt better when I validated you.

Breaking up sucks, but it doesn't have to end friendships.

Hang in there!


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:33 AM.