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-   -   Confused Newbie (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34482)

jewels6675 12-06-2012 06:21 AM

Confused Newbie
 
Here's my story...

I've been dating a man, who has a live-in girlfriend who is more than half his age for the last four months and feel as though I am in love with him. He explained poly to me when we first met, and I have since been doing a lot of research on the topic and have read numerous forum topics on it, but I have always been in monogamous relationships. Prior to his current relationship, he had also always been in monogamous relationships. But I'm not sure this is something I can or want to do....I want him all to myself.

He has also just asked me to move in with them...which I am considering...but am afraid I will be overly jealous...a part of me wants to say yes, because I feel if if we are able to spend more time together that he will then want to be with me rather then with her.

My question is this....is my way of thinking all wrong???

Emm 12-06-2012 09:14 AM

Yes it is. If you want a monogamous relationship don't sign up for a poly relationship hoping that the other person will change their mind.

And this:
Quote:

a part of me wants to say yes, because I feel if if we are able to spend more time together that he will then want to be with me rather then with her.
makes you a cowgirl and no better than someone trying to worm her way between a monogamous couple.

Helo 12-06-2012 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 170809)
Yes it is. If you want a monogamous relationship don't sign up for a poly relationship hoping that the other person will change their mind.

And this: makes you a cowgirl and no better than someone trying to worm her way between a monogamous couple.

BAM! Nailed that sucker like a rocket powered hammer.

I would only quibble to say that your way of thinking with regards to "I cant do this" isn't wrong. If poly isn't your thing, it isn't your thing. That's not a thoughtcrime.

The "I kinda want to move in so he has a greater chance of choosing me" is off, though. Totes.

CattivaGattina 12-06-2012 03:04 PM

So just a month ago you were even stating that if you moved out his way you wouldn't live with him, but get a place with your dog and cat.

Now you not only want to live that way but you want to move in with him in the hopes that he goes more for you than the person who he is with (who it doesn't sound like you have the most respect for with the comment of her being more than half his age).

If you don't want a polyamorus relationship don't have one. But don't try to trick someone who is in one to being monogamous with you.

nycindie 12-06-2012 03:07 PM

If you feel you want him all to yourself while he is poly and partnered, you are being very unrealistic and unfair to both him and yourself. Don't be a cowgirl.

Besides, you've only been dating him for four months. That is no time at all, and way too soon to move in. Obviously, neither of you is thinking straight, probably due to the rush of chemistry you are experiencing (endorphins, dopamine, oxytocin, etc.). Slow the fuck down, wake up, get your feet back on the ground, and get to know him better. Sheesh.

Meantime, visit this site: http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain

DsmEvolution 12-06-2012 05:16 PM

I'm in agreement with everyone here. Polyamory is about informed consent of every party involved and agreeing to whatever structure works best for everyone involved. If you're going in with the premeditation that you're going to be the wedge that separates them, then that's incredibly wrong and deceitful.

It really sounds like you need to take a step or three back and re-evaluate what it is that you want and also figure out how to get that without being a home wrecker.

Love2Bake 12-07-2012 01:24 AM

My Two Cents
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by jewels6675 (Post 170796)
Here's my story...

I've been dating a man, who has a live-in girlfriend who is more than half his age for the last four months and feel as though I am in love with him. He explained poly to me when we first met, and I have since been doing a lot of research on the topic and have read numerous forum topics on it, but I have always been in monogamous relationships. Prior to his current relationship, he had also always been in monogamous relationships. But I'm not sure this is something I can or want to do....I want him all to myself.

He has also just asked me to move in with them...which I am considering...but am afraid I will be overly jealous...a part of me wants to say yes, because I feel if if we are able to spend more time together that he will then want to be with me rather then with her.

My question is this....is my way of thinking all wrong???

__________________________________________________ ______________

He doesnt want only you. He also wants his girlfriend-the one that is more than half his age. Yep. He is into her. Her age may be a huge part of his attraction. So be careful how you try to put her down. She has wisdom and experience over you. And that can be VERY sexy. ;)

He isnt going to commit to you and only you. He met you, while living with another woman.

I think you need to get your head out of the clouds. This guy isn't monogamous. If you choose to be with him, they you are choosing to share him with his other woman, and probably anyone else he meets along the way.

To think you'll get in there and take him away from her is funny. You'll lose. I guarantee you that. You'll play wifey and try to be better than her. But you'll wind up moving out in a huff because he never gives in. :eek:

Just chalk it up as a loss and move on. I'd be single for a while if I were you and work on me for a while. Nobody should settle for less than what they want. You don't want to share him so why would you even consider settling for sharing him? I think it's time for you to work on you for a while. Then get back in the dating game. You've got to be healthy and strong to attract healthy and strong.

Just my two cents!:o

3isnotacrowd 12-08-2012 08:41 AM

Go with your heart
 
You need to decide in your heart do you want to be with him because you care about him and her or just him. You have to decide also if the doubts you are feeling right are worth the risk of a great relationship or if you can't get over those "nagging feeling" no disrespect intended of jealously because if you can't get over them then the relationship can and I knowfrom my own experiences does go very wrong very fast. I have a polyamorous relationship with two men and I can't budge from my rule about no other women than me in my relationship because of my own jealously I can share them with each other and they are just with me female wise but its not something you will get over easily. I have been in monogamous relationships too and I just didn't feel complete but I don't try to convert but I do want to try to help anyone that wants to be in a polyamorous relationship or in your case just thinking about it. I hope I helped at least a little.
3isnotacrowd

jewels6675 12-08-2012 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CattivaGattina (Post 170849)
So just a month ago you were even stating that if you moved out his way you wouldn't live with him, but get a place with your dog and cat.

Now you not only want to live that way but you want to move in with him in the hopes that he goes more for you than the person who he is with (who it doesn't sound like you have the most respect for with the comment of her being more than half his age).

If you don't want a polyamorus relationship don't have one. But don't try to trick someone who is in one to being monogamous with you.

Yes a month ago that was what I was thinking, but last week he asked me to move in with him and I have been giving it alot of thought.

I was asking for advice from the people on this board as I am much less experienced in the whole matter. I guess I didn't expect to be critized but to have been given advice.

I honestly don't know if I want poly...I've never done it...but have been considering that as well...and that's not something I can decide over night...I am trying to have an open mind throughout this whole new precess I am finding myself in...and have read a numerous amount of information and am still learning.

If I have offended anyone for seeking advice, then please except my apologies...that was not my intentions...but I do want to be with this guy and am still in hopes that someone will give me some advice rather then simply critizing me.

jewels6675 12-08-2012 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Love2Bake (Post 170921)
__________________________________________________ ______________

He doesnt want only you. He also wants his girlfriend-the one that is more than half his age. Yep. He is into her. Her age may be a huge part of his attraction. So be careful how you try to put her down. She has wisdom and experience over you. And that can be VERY sexy. ;)

He isnt going to commit to you and only you. He met you, while living with another woman.

I think you need to get your head out of the clouds. This guy isn't monogamous. If you choose to be with him, they you are choosing to share him with his other woman, and probably anyone else he meets along the way.

To think you'll get in there and take him away from her is funny. You'll lose. I guarantee you that. You'll play wifey and try to be better than her. But you'll wind up moving out in a huff because he never gives in. :eek:

Just chalk it up as a loss and move on. I'd be single for a while if I were you and work on me for a while. Nobody should settle for less than what they want. You don't want to share him so why would you even consider settling for sharing him? I think it's time for you to work on you for a while. Then get back in the dating game. You've got to be healthy and strong to attract healthy and strong.

Just my two cents!:o

I couldn't agree more that we shouldn't settle for less then what it is we want...and I have never nor wil I ever settle. I have been single for almost 4 years...and I am picky and would rather be alone verses settleing just to have someone.

In a way I guess I was in a poly relationship before was just not aware of it. I dated a guy for 8 years and for 4 of those years I shared him with another woman...but I wasnt aware of her....I found out about her. It's possible that I could be happy while sharing someone...I just can't say for certain.

I have enjoyed getting to know him, and I'm not ready to give up and walk away....from him or the situation....and I won't untill I decide what it is I can live with and be a part of.


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