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-   -   A break up while living together as a poly. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34475)

Havoc369 12-06-2012 01:05 AM

A break up while living together as a poly.
My fiance and I wanted to try a poly relationship so he and our female housemate got together, both him and I had hoped we would all be together and we were going to let it take time since they were close friends before whereas our housemate and i had only really just met. Our housemate had other ideas and only wanted to be with my partner, so we carried on, with my partner having 2 girlfriends. After some issues, one being a big break of trust between me and my partner( but both getting help and willing to try and stay together), another being our housemate staying with her ex in another state, we were able to live in harmony, with very little fighting. My partner and I were closer than before and overall we were happy. Everything had been good until yesterday, my partner suddenly become distant from me and then last night he broke up with me out of the blue to be exclusive with our housemate. I found out that this was because she wasn't committing and leaving him in the dark, one minute all over him and the next pulling back at his touch. He thought that I was the issue and that she may commit if we werent together. Him and I are having a baby in 3 months and he knows that at the end of the day I will go to the end of the earth for him. None of us can afford to move out, nor do we have anywhere to go. I promised him many months ago that I will always be there for him no matter what. Anyway this morning we woke up and after a few tears him and I are ok, not together but still friends. He told me this morning that our housemate is still refusing to commit or at least give a proper relationship a go. We are all confused and will most likely all stay single for a while. What are people's thoughts on the situation? Has anyone been in a similar position before? Is there any advice?

nycindie 12-06-2012 04:24 AM

Yes, it is possible to live together and co-parent a child if you are no longer romantically involved. Many people have accomplished that. But I gotta say...

You are remarkably calm and matter-of-fact for a six-month pregnant woman whose fiance just dumped her in order to manipulate some other chick into "committing" to him. Sheesh, what kind of father is he going to be when the going gets rough? What an asshole move. Why are you still willing to go to the ends of the earth for a guy who just showed you how easily he will abandon the mother of his child for some irrational need of his? WTF? Is this an issue of low self-esteem? If so, you need to find your spine, honey! If I were you, I'd start looking for other means of support -- family, friends, charities, the government, etc., -- and change my locks. Let him know that if he expects to continue living with you, YOU need HIM to COMMIT -- to being an adult and a responsible co-parent to your child OR ELSE he's out on his ass! With an irresponsible man like that, you might be better off without him, unless he shapes up. Don't tolerate that shit. You'll soon have a baby to look out for.

ThatGirlInGray 12-06-2012 04:27 AM

Waitaminute- you and he are having a CHILD together, in THREE months, and he dumped you because he THINKS that will help his other relationship??

I'm sorry, this is probably going to come out harsher than I intend, but I'm angry. It angers me when someone uses poly as an excuse to lead with their dick/vagina and ignore the other responsibilities they already have. I'm not saying people need to stay together for the sake of the kids if the relationship is no longer working, but he broke up with his PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND because he was GUESSING that it would help his other relationship. That's beyond immature.

1) He needs to learn to communicate. If he discussed her mixed signals, distance, and lack of commitment with her and she SAID, "I can't commit to you while you're in a relationship with her, it's one or the other." then maybe he has a leg to stand on, if he really truly thought about which relationship was better for him in the long run and recognized the potential consequences of his actions.

2) He better be ready to man the hell up. Whether you and he are in a sexual relationship or not, you absolutely are in a relationship as co-parents. He had better still be prepared to spend a LOT of time with you (and you and the baby after it's born) and to put HIS CHILD first for a while. Babies are hard. They take time and attention and they can strain even the best of relationships, which you two are not starting with now.

Being pregnant and being newly poly is a LOT of change all at once. Even if you were all the best communicators in the world (which doesn't sound like the case) it would have been rough. I've been through two pregnancies and damaged a significant relationship each time, though thankfully each has since been repaired. I hope you two are able to be peaceful with each other (you do NOT need this extra stress) and I hope he's able to take a step back and reorganize his priorities.

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