Trains, Planes and Polymobiles
Well, I thought it was time I started my own little blog here, peppered with a little Sinatra mood music ;) It will give me something to do when I am not out chasing skirt. Which means I'll have absolutely no time to post, whatsoever, obviously. ~grins~
Actually, at the moment, I am taking a mildly-Eat-Pray-Love-esque voyage of self-discovery, on a self-induced poly ban. Three weeks in and I hear those wicked demons tempting me... "Log onto OK Cupid... sparklepop.... we know you can hear ussssss...."
But, alas. I am strong! I shall not surrender to them! The fiends!
When I was 17... it was a very good year... it was a very good year... for small town girls...*
* Do feel quite free to skip my life history and just wait for a more interesting angst-laden bitchfest about poly life, or some such... ;)
Polyamory was a term that I stumbled upon through the omniscient brain that is Google. Before that, I simply considered it as being 'open' and did not give it a great deal of thought.
When I was 13, I had decided to tell an acquaintance at school that I liked girls. This would have been around the summer of 1998. Wow. Retro. By the end of the afternoon, all the other 13 year olds in my school heard the news; which was apparently the hottest gossip our school had encountered since Mr and Mrs Evans, the Geography and English teachers, were found fucking in the storecupboard in the 1970's.
I vividly remember walking across the large playground, about 5 days after the Breaking News - teenagers parting the way and following me with questions as if I was the anti-Jesus on the Red Sea. One day, when I was 16, I sat on a bus, on the way to a Theatre trip with my English class. I was instantly drawn to a girl who got on last and asked my friends who she was. She was their English teacher. 26, in fact, and definitely not a 'girl'. ~insert Machiavellian voice~ I had to make her mine....
A few months later, that straight, engaged, mother-of-one, 26 year old female English teacher became my lover for the next two years. And my first love. Ahh... and my first heartbreak, when she married the fiance. Strangely, I had never wanted her to leave him for me - I had only wanted her to be honest with him. Maybe this was a first, misguided, hint of poly tendencies?
As that relationship was ending, I met a man... and at the tender age of almost 18 began my ten-year-stint of serial, overlapping, longterm monogamy.
It was also the age that I discovered a belief in Karma. :rolleyes:
Yes... what goes around comes around. My Teacher Love had cheated on her fiance with me and the man I met ended up cheating on me. Somehow, I knew he would, before he ever did. At the start of my relationship with him, I had one last afternoon with my Teacher Love and sort of... unintentionally... became A Cheater - dashing what would have gone on to be a perfectly clean record, because she was crying and I felt bad... and the only thing I could do to offer comfort was to sleep with her. That was when I decided that I would never, ever be involved in any kind of cheating, ever again... because, you know, it only comes back to teach you a lesson, kids....
When I was 21... it was a very good year... it was a very good year for city girls...
As would become my way, another overlap occurred. I met Blue online, the first time ex-bf cheated on me. We went our separate ways and 6 months later, when ex-bf cheated again, I sent Blue a text. Incidentally, he had apparently dropped his phone down a toilet in a pub, rendering it useless. He says that he had always hoped I would get back in touch.
He was the sweetest, kindest man I had ever met and he became my world, at the age of 19. Only... the sex was a bit... meh. Coming out of my previous relationship, I was fragile. I was insanely jealous and insecure and as lovely as he was, Blue did have a thing for covering up the truth when he'd been a bit naughty. Over time, I learnt to trust him and we would tell each other about people we had crushes on, as if it were completely natural.
Stepping Away From Monogamy
When I was about 21, I met the most incredible woman at work and developed a huge, starry-eyed, girl crush. This was the first time that I had felt a real sexual craving for someone, since my Teacher Love. I started to wonder if I might have been right about being a lesbian when I was 13. I couldn't get it out of my mind. I eventually left the glorious Eastern European delight behind me, unrequited... but something inside me was restless. My relationship with Blue was felt like a true soulmate situation. Only, a soulmate without ropes and blindfolds and all those things I felt that I wanted to get freaky with.
When I was 24, I went away on work for two weeks, to a little countryside town that I thought would bore the absolute hell out of me. I met a girl there, who we can call Shane (if you get the L word reference, I like you). Shane had these intense eyes that burned right through you and I felt a sexual chemistry unlike anything I'd ever felt in my life. I returned home and told Blue about Shane. I cried, feeling guilty for even feeling this level of attraction to somebody other than him. I felt like I had cheated; though we hadn't done a single thing. To my complete shock, he suggested that I start exploring my sexuality with her. After a couple of weeks, and some more talking, I went on what I now know would be called my first poly/mono relationship experience.
I also know that I would have called my feelings for her NRE, if I had known, and saved myself a lot of hassle.... ~grins~
Our fling became intense and the L word was thrown around. For the very first time in my life, I felt in love with two people at the same time. One was an intensely sexual, intimately girlie love - the other was a deep, soul love, surpassing anything I could ever put into words. Of course, I didn't know that keeping both could be possible and in the end, I chose to continue my exploration with her; ending my 5 year relationship with Blue.
Shane was a fun experience. Blue was 13 years older and made me feel like a delicate princess. Suddenly, with Shane, I was in control of myself and was the stable, strong half of a relationship. I had my own apartment for the first time, met my current best friend, progressed in my career and found my independence. But, after Blue, I never quite felt that same thing for Shane. Now, I realise that I saw her as a girlfriend; not a partner. I couldn't see myself breaking up with her, but couldn't picture her when I imagined the future. I had a conversation, walking at night with my best friend to some bars, and the two of us agreed that you can only find one kind of love in life - deep without the sex, or sexual without the depth.
I've Got Poly Under My Skin
Three years into my relationship with Shane and the wild, earth-changing sex had disappeared.... on her side. Looking back, I am quite convinced that she was cheating. Miserable, I went online one day whilst she was away somewhere for two weeks and saw a pop-up for a 3D sex game. Thinking that it would be hot, I created a profile and took my free two week trial.
About three or four days in, I met a woman. The game was, in my eyes and the eyes of most other members, not a dating site. It was geared around complete fantasy; somewhat similar to Second Life. A little more than porn, but way less than real relationships.
Overlap number 4 happened and I found myself, within a month, incredibly, unspeakably drawn to this woman. I refused to look at the picture on her profile for this amount of time, telling myself that if I was falling for a woman online, it wasn't real, she wasn't real and it was just harmless fun to feed all my pent-up lesbian sex cravings.... ;)
I made one last-ditch attempt at honest communication with Shane; knowing that she had a roving eye and that my heart was roaming. I told her about the game and asked if she would be open to me using it. Her answer was a flat-out no and we broke up quickly.
The woman I had met online referred to herself as vehemently non-monogamous. It was a case of 'get on board like this, or don't get on board at all'. She described human hearts as being limitless and I found myself intrigued by her way of thinking. After one month, we had been skyping for over 8 hours a day. She told me that she loved me... and I knew I felt the same. After three, we talked about the general possibility of meeting in a year, if we still knew each other. Seven months after our first chance, online meeting... I found myself getting on a plane that her husband had booked and flying all the way from England to America for one week. I was thrilled to be meeting her... petrified that we would not connect in person...
We did connect (hoorah).... My life changed overnight. I quit my job and we started the interesting pattern that is currently our lives - I live in England for three months, incidentally with Blue, who is still my platonic soul mate ten years on... then I live in America for three months, with my GF, her husband and their three year old daughter...
And I am quite relieved to say that cheating isn't an issue... and overlap is fine... ;)
Thank you for reading, for giving me a place to vent. I hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for angst-ridden poly life bitchfests.... ~winks~
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