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-   -   Total Noob (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3444)

AliS 08-13-2010 12:23 AM

Total Noob
 
Hi.. well.. ummm where to start. I was with my ex husband for 23 years and at the end of it, he wanted an open relationship. I just couldnt deal with it and it all went belly up.

14 months on from the separation I have met a guy who is married and in an open relationship.. and I want in. I have stayed the night while his wife was visiting her boyfriend and we have been out for dinner etc etc and last night I met his wife.. I was so terrified...

I am just trying to get my head around the "rules" as such or are they different for everyone?? I know that we will have every second weekend and a day or two during the week (we live in the same city), and I want to introduce him to the kids. I am not so much worried about the kids, they are 10,12 and 14 as he is a lovely guy and I am sure will be fine around them. How much time do you guys spend with your partners?? is that time a reasonable amount??

I like him and want to be a part of their lives and they a part of mine.

Any guidelines and suggestions would be awesome :)

Quath 08-13-2010 03:43 AM

Every situation has rules. Over time, it seems that rules tend to lessen as people become more confortable.

The biggest issue to making this work is communication. Also, learn how to tells others what you want.

Don't try to mediate any fights between your boyfriend and his wife. That rarely ends well.

Everyone has a different amount of time they spend with their lovers. See how it goes and see if that works for you.

It helps if you can communicate with his wife, but it is not required.

There is a lot of learning by experience in all of this.

So how was your meeting with his wife?

jkelly 08-13-2010 05:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AliS (Post 39715)
I was with my ex husband for 23 years and at the end of it, he wanted an open relationship. I just couldnt deal with it and it all went belly up.

14 months on from the separation I have met a guy who is married and in an open relationship.. and I want in.

What's changed?

AliS 08-13-2010 06:23 AM

I guess the marriage was over at that stage and I was jealous and I didnt want him seeing others.... Me seeing this guy isnt like having a full time boyfriend for me..after being alone a year I am not wanting someone in my bed 24/7.

redpepper 08-13-2010 06:29 AM

We have had this topic before but I can't find a link to give you. grrrrr. I wish people would tag their threads so that they can be found again!

Anyway, the discussion before was about how much time we spend with partners and it was quite interesting... damn!

I would be very carefully moving the amount of time up to something workable, rather than scale back when it's too much. I know it's all early days yet and you want to spend more time, but that is actually a lot of time together! Especially for you kids! A weekend every two weeks? At your house? They don't know him yet and neither do you... I would go a bit slower. A couple of evenings a week for a good year would be more appropriate in my world. It took at least a year for my boy to get to know Mono, and my husband. Hell, me too! It really takes about 18 months for everything to settle and in a lot of ways more than that. We are still settling into it all after 20....

I would suggest slowing down. There is no rushing sustainability and a good thing. Provided you want this to last that is?

AliS 08-13-2010 06:59 AM

Thanks Red... I guess I have a lot to learn lol

having said that during the weekend we have our own things to do within it, but I know what your saying.


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