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-   -   Am I holding him back? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3428)

gwendolenthefair 08-10-2010 01:49 PM

Am I holding him back?
 
Well, I had my third date last night with my new sweetie and I am totally confused now.

It went very well. We hung out at his house, ordered pizza, watched an old British comedy series from the 80s that we both adore, and made love for the first time. I think he's charming and adorable and sweet, as well as sexy as hell, and I could completely fall in love with him, even though I feel a bit ridiculous because he's 18 years my junior. My husband supports the relationship so far and the guys are meeting later this week. My new guy is married, his wife was out on a date with a new woman, and she really wants a girlfriend and for her husband to find one too. I met her briefly as I was leaving and she was polite and disinterested in me, which I thought was weird, but it was an inherently awkward situation.

So, of course, I am worried and stressing out instead of basking in the wonderfulness of it all...

The problem is, I think new sweetie is basically mono. He has pretty much said that. The reason he and his wife are poly is because his wife believes she is gay. She had thought she was bi when they married, but about six months ago, she halted their physical relationship completely and started seeking a female partner. She has not yet had one, although she has made some friends in the lesbian community and has been on a few dates. She pretty much told him, go do what you want. I am his first outside partner so far, and only the second woman he has ever been with, period.

This is a very conventional guy. I get the sense that all he has ever wanted is a decent job and a nice house and a wife who loves him, and possibly even kids (his wife is one of those militant child-free people, but he likes kids). I feel that if I stay involved with him, I make it possible to stay with his wife. And he deserves a primary partner who loves him, wants to have sex with him, maybe is even open to having a family. Instead of what he has now, which is a bi, or possibly gay, woman who has disengaged from him sexually, disengaged from him somewhat emotionally too, and sounds like she doesn't care about his needs anymore, if she ever did.

Thoughts?

NeonKaos 08-10-2010 02:08 PM

It sounds like he is looking for someone to fulfill a role, not looking to find a new person to appreciate for who they are.

Of course, I haven't heard his side of the story, I wasn't privy to every single conversation you've had with him, I haven't met his wife, and I don't know absolutely everything there is to know about this situation (in other words, I'm not God), so I can't give you my opinion because it would be full of judgment, stereotype and conjecture and that would be you know, just plain WRONG and stuff.

So, good luck. :p

Ilove2men 08-10-2010 02:43 PM

If this is the case it's highly unlikely you will get a lasting relationship out of it, but you may turn into a catalyst for him discovering want he wants with his life by testing the waters. Is it worth the risk of you heart? That's the question. You should definitely bring it up with him.

SourGirl 08-10-2010 06:40 PM

Every single person we meet, we can find a aspect about them, and ask;

' What if ...? '

What if he is a work-a-holic and I never see him ? What if he moves ? What if he decides he wants babies ? What if,..what if,.....

I find it best not to think like that unless there is a blatant, obvious issue at the forefront that can hold you back, together as a couple.


I`d suggest having a open talk with him, and deciding wether you think this guy has his Big-Boy pants on. Is he capable of living as he feels is fit, ..authentic to himself ?


No relationship is guaranteed anything,...what matters more is if you feel you can handle yourself. Are you prepared to enjoy the relationship for what it is, and what it has to offer, and letting the cards fall where they may ?

Ariakas 08-10-2010 07:01 PM

Ask him and trust what he says. Its all you can really do. I worry about this sometimes too but I have to trust in my partners that anything I am doing is not hindering them as people.

I would also second this

Quote:

No relationship is guaranteed anything,...what matters more is if you feel you can handle yourself. Are you prepared to enjoy the relationship for what it is, and what it has to offer, and letting the cards fall where they may ?
I think one of the biggest challenges people have in relationships is traditional expectations. I find relationships work better without them. An expectation is like an assumption, sometimes you need to clear the air and work with goals together. If they don't match its time to start communicating.

One of my biggest weaknesses is my own brain, I develop expectations and think 4 or 5 steps ahead. This always leads to disappointment. I am working my butt off to work in the now, lay my dreams on the table, and hope the people involved want to work with me to achieve them, if they don't then other dreams have to be made. :)

Best of luck and enjoy the journey. If you look for mono's earlier posts on this forum he has documented the struggles of a mono coming into a poly relationship, well worth the read :)

ari

idealist 08-11-2010 04:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilove2men (Post 39311)
you may turn into a catalyst for him discovering want he wants with his life by testing the waters. Is it worth the risk of you heart? That's the question. You should definitely bring it up with him.

I was in a lesbian relationship when I met a man and fell in love with him. We both knew that he was a catalyst for me to realize that I am bisexual and start the process of figuring out what to do about it. That relationship was one of the most powerful, memerable and important relationships I've ever had....and it only lasted 3 months. Being a catalyst for someone can be an incredible experience as long as you realize what it is and consider that perhaps you are doing this person a great service. I'm not saying that is what is going on....just saying....if that is what's going on, it can be awesome too!!


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