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-   -   doubt: interactions while being with the other partner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34278)

berenices 12-04-2012 01:00 AM

doubt: interactions while being with the other partner
Just wondering during a lonely and long night... After reading several things I am under the impression that is usual to not interact at all with your SO during a weekend with your OSO. I have never had OSOs, so maybe that is the reason is so hard for me to understand. Why zero interaction when you know it's being difficult for your OSO? I dont mean to spend lots of time, but why not even a text? This is what happens whenever my SO is with his new OSO and during lonely nights such as this I just dont get it.

I have read of similar situations and I always kind of tought it was the way to do it, but now I am having second thoughts... What is so wrong about a text? Is because you just dont feel like it? Time? Neither? I feel a little like I stop existing for him several nghts a week :(. Just a smilley would make a huge diff, but this is something I don know if I can ask for.Or if I want to. :(

JaneQSmythe 12-04-2012 01:16 AM

I think that everyone works out what works best for everyone involved. For instance, MrS and I tend to have routine times that we check in with each other during times when we are apart (not a poly thing, just our thing). For instance if he is out with friends he will call around 11 pm (plus or minus an hour) and let me know if he is coming home or crashing elsewhere, tell me to go to bed (I am bad at this) and "tuck me in" by phone.

I don't think this would change if he were out with a girlfriend rather than his other friends. At the same time, those nights he is elsewhere I don't call/text him because I don't want to interrupt his evening - the same would apply, I imagine, if he were out on a date. The flexibility of timing ("touch base sometime before midnight") allows/would allow him to choose the best time/place to make the call so as to be the least intrusive to whomever he is with. (Say, while they were on their way from the show to her house or whatever...)

Other people have agreements about times that cell phones are off or that they are unavailable to others. I would think this would go both ways. For instance - she doesn't call at dinner or during "family nights" when he is home. And he doesn't call/text you during "date time" but then calls to wish you goodnight.

Just some random ramblings on the topic...


PS. We are not big text/phone people so our preferences might not work for people that are used to being in constant contact while not physically present.

LovingRadiance 12-04-2012 01:29 AM

I'm not sure precisely what you were reading-but that is definitely not how things go with our group.

Admittedly, currently we all live together.

However, I do go out for overnights with one or the other partner alone. In those cases I ALWAYS have a goodnight and good morning conversation with whichever partner isn't with me (AND the kids).
Also, it's common for us to take a moment (like when one of us is in the restroom) to send a text message to partners who aren't with us at various times during the day.

If it's more than ONE night away-not only is there always a goodnight and goodmorning conversation, in addition to periodic "we are separated for a few minutes" texts-but I will make a point of having a midday conversation with whoever isn't with me as well.

If it's more than one night-I leave a card or note for the partner left behind-and it's common for them to slip one into my bags before I go.

If it's out of state trip-I make a point of mailing a postcard and sending several decently sized emails regarding the trip.

This is common decency in regards to our relationships. We usually see one another EVERY DAY because we live together-so more than a day apart is unusual and deserves extra special tlc.

There are other people I've read on here that do not live with their partners and don't see or talk to each other every day and therefore it's less critical to them to keep in touch when with another partner. ;)

berenices 12-04-2012 02:16 AM

Thanks for the replies! They really help :). I guess up until now it didnt bother me so much because he was having a couple of dates per week, but now it is every other night and we live in different cities and I am confused. I told him something about this and he said it was weird and thoughts about minimum interference . For me it is a difficult topic so I havent said anything more about it. I guess I am ready now, after knowing it is not necessarily so weird. Thanks a lot, really :)

RainyGrlJenny 12-04-2012 09:47 PM

I think sometimes people don't want SOs to communicate with their OSO because it feels like they're not giving you their full attention. Like, "If you're with me, you should be paying attention to me, not your OSO." Or there may be a problem if the OSO is super needy, or intentionally interrupting your time together.

Personally, for me there's a middle ground. If my date is constantly on the phone or texting, I feel that it's disrespectful. Or if we're in the middle of a particularly focused conversation, or doing something special. But if someone tells me, "Hey, I need to check in with my girlfriend tonight," and does so at an appropriate (or prearranged) time, that's perfectly fine.

I text or call Moonlight every day, usually multiple times. But I try to time it so that it doesn't happen if Fly and I are on a date or doing something special. But if we're just hanging out, no problem. With Fly, if I'm spending the night with Moonlight, I try to dash off a quick "Love you! xoxoxo" before bed.

Anneintherain 12-05-2012 08:04 AM

I see my boyfriend once a week, its rarely an overnight, but regardless, I don't contact my husband on date nights unless it is to say "I'm staying the night" or "I'm going to be home later usual". If I stay overnight there's always the chance I'll see him in passing when I get home if he hasn't left for work, but if not I send him an IM when I get home, I don't think 24 hours without speaking is an issue for either of us.

Certainly if I am with a non live in partner for more than one night, I'd make time to call at least once, or send a text a few times (texting not really my thing though). My boyfriend doesn't text his wife or gf while on a date with me (well he probably does but he does it subtly so its not distracting - though it wouldn't be a big problem if he took a bit of time to do so) and I appreciate it a lot, means I'm not sitting around twiddling my thumbs waiting for him to be free to talk to me. Not messaging a person you love doesn't mean you don't love them or aren't thinking of them fondly, it just means you're being attentive and polite to the person you are with.

riftara 12-05-2012 11:14 PM

John and I have an agreement, when I'm out with V, if its more than 3 hours that I txt him at least once.

Usually its just an I love you, with an I love you too back and thats it, but it allows him to tell me anything important at a time that is good for me in the date.

Originally, we didnt do this, but John expressed that he was uncomfortable with me being gone all day and not communicating with him, so now we have that agreement.

You have to let your needs be known and be willing to compromise. For me, most of my dates with V are less than 4 hours, so I usually get a block of time to just spend with him, but when we do get a full day I'm not leaving John out in the dust.

Josie 12-06-2012 03:39 AM

I don't think wanting a text is unusual at all.
It all depends on how you go about it.

Personally, I could never do 24 hours strict silence, it would feel weird. There are plenty of times that me and one of my partners don't text for days but I couldn't deal with having it restricted. But then again, most of the things we text to each other are either practical (e.g. did you remember to put the washing on, call your grandma, etc.) or silly stuff, often relating to tv shows we both watch or important/funny info we just found out about a mutual friend.

Although when I'm out with my OSO, I tend not to text often. I find it rude when someone's texting all the time, I don't care if it's their lover, best friend, mum, whatever - long text conversations are antisocial to the people you're spending time with. I will drop a text when I go to the bathroom or there's a distinct lull, usually saying something like 'Are my socks dry yet? Don't wait up, love you!'

I think if you guys live far enough apart that you don't get to see each other often and they spend a lot of time with their OSO, it's not unreasonable to maybe want a daily quick text reminding you they care, your on their mind, or just some silly anecdote from their day that they want to share with you.

I'd say approach it with a level head and explain it in terms of what you feel you need to be on good terms with your situation but without pressing to hard.

I think a lot of people instantly go in to worrying that wanting more communication means you're freaking out or getting possessive when in fact it just means you care, you want a little tlc and you want to do what you can to make it work for the both of you.

Dagferi 12-07-2012 03:13 AM

I am different...

Unless there is something that can't wait or an emergency I want to focus on my time with my boyfriend.

My husband would like it if I texted while I was away. The problem is my husband isn't happy with a quick text to touch base he wants full blown out conversations about crap I have no interest in.

M my boyfriend is my peace. My husband and I have found ourselves on different paths and he honestly doesn't get it, but that is another story and I am not hijacking the thread.

GalaGirl 12-07-2012 05:19 PM

I have noooooo clue why it is so important to my DH to have the quilt FLAT when we go to bed and it covers the corners. In the sleeping, it gets rolled around all crazy. But I don't argue. He wants his corners covered and flat, I deliver flat corners when we go to bed. It takes a second, and makes him feel honored, so I do it.

Granted I tell him he's nuts while I'm doing it, and he sits there grinning at me while I shake out the blanket and make sure it covers us both AND the bottom corners of the bed. It's become a ritual. I tell him he's nuts and he beams knowing I'm going to do the nutty thing anyway because I like him so.

Fair enough -- I have quirks he does to honor me. He doesn't get why on those either. He just does it.

We teach others how we want to be treated. We show each other we care in ways large and small. Each person is unique.

So YOU want a check in smiley face. I'm not into texting so I don't. But smiley? This is reasonable/realistic to execute. Prob even faster than me shaking out a quilt! So just ASK your SO to do this for you in service to the relationship and TLC mode. He can think it weird just like I think it is weird on hubby quilts. And he can do it anyway as a gesture of loving/kind behavior.

If he's not willing to do this -- ask why. "Weird" is not a reason. "Broken fingers" is a reason.

You have the right in your relationship to ASK things. Your partner may or may not comply, but you have the right to ask.

I didn't leave to be with SO, I went cross country to see my just-had-a-baby-sister. I called every night I was gone to check in by voice (not text, hate text because I have joint probs with hands. Tiny cel phone keys are evil.) I would do same with an SO -- check in by phone or email from a laptop keyboard.

If he hates texting as much as me he could offer a happy medium compromise. "I cannot do smiley texts. I hate texting. How about a phone call instead? Or Email?"


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