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-   -   Noob (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3425)

Baka1216 08-09-2010 09:59 AM

Noob
 
Haven't been a noob at anything in a long time so let's see how I do.

I am in a long term very commited relationship. We are engaged and have a wedding partially plotted. I am also in love with another individual and while I have never acted on these feelings I want to very much. Now, this is my first serious relationship, Ive always known Im not built for being with only one person and so I was always upfront in the past about not being exclusive. My fiancÚ swept me off my feet and I have made that promise to her and will keep it. -I just feel I am going against who I am and that I may be setting myself up for a dumbass mistake, a loss of control one day in the future.
I truly love my fiancÚ and feel a deep love for this other woman as well. I don't know how to fall out of love with the second woman.
I'm leaving myself open to a lot in terms of comments but I feel what I need right now is advice from others who may have dealt with either similar situations or who may just be able to tell me to get over it. Lol Lets hear it.

sage 08-09-2010 10:40 AM

Hi and welcome

I don't think this is a lol scenario at all. I think you have made a promise that you are now doubting you will be able to keep, and you are probably right.

I started a thread called "the downsides of being poly" and this is one of them. Monos and polys falling in love is a difficult thing but definitely one you need to address before you get married.

My poly partner tried to give up a a significant other for me and in the process I lost so much of him that I told him I would come to terms with his polyamory. The easy thing for you to do is to tell yourself and your fiance you have this 'handled' and you may have it handled this time, or for a while, but it will come back to haunt you.

Baka1216 08-09-2010 10:50 AM

No... This is not a lol situation. I am at a tearing-my-hair-out-in-frustration stage in all this, the lol was for how open to any type of comment My post was.
Thank you for your reply, Sage.

sage 08-09-2010 10:54 AM

OK, then let's start at the beginning. Have you been honest with both parties? Do they know about each other? You can't have polyamory without honesty.

Baka1216 08-09-2010 11:02 AM

They hate each other. My fiancÚ knows this other woman cares for me and resents her. She is the enemy. The other woman resents my fiancÚ for having me. I am trying to be open with them both but am usually the target of their anger if I bring up anything having to do with emotions for one or the other. I'm the bad guy before I even start talking.
I have tried to stop all communication with the second woman and focus on my fiancÚ but I feel... empty, in a way.
It's hard to explain...

MonoVCPHG 08-09-2010 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baka1216 (Post 39147)
They hate each other.

Unless this changes there is no hope for building a relationship with both of them that will be healthy for everyone. This is hurdle one in my opinion....the first brick in the foundation so to speak. Don't get married until you figure this out. Be strong.

Baka1216 08-09-2010 03:14 PM

-I worry there is no real solution and I will lose them both. Am I too selfish, wanting to love them both? Does my love for this second woman diminish the love I have for my fiancÚ? Is it just cold feet?
I've had all these questions and tons more stewing for months now and Im almost to the point where Im accepting there is no happy ending here. Maybe I should go back to being single and stop being only half there for the two women in my life.

kamala 08-09-2010 05:05 PM

At any rate, its awesome that you are asking yourself these questions now. I would definitely hold out on marriage until this is thoroughly cleared up.

Its sad that you think there is no happy ending here, though. I admit that transitioning into very different ways of life, be it polyamory or whatever, is always uncomfortable and, no joke, there may be a lot of casualties on the way.Maybe think of it this way: if you push for what you really want with your current fiance, whatever it is that you want, you will likely get a couple of responses - the most obvious one seems like she will not be keen on it, and if you insist this is something you need to do, then you have essentially hit an impasse and will need to compromise or else go your separate ways. It'll hurt for a long time but you open yourself up to figuring out some of these questions. Maybe, you realise that you can and do want to share love with more than one, finally find people who are in accord with that and can be on your way to expressing yourself and the way you love more honestly and without feeling guilty and fatalistic about it.

On the other hand, if you marry her and cut off contact with this other woman, you are beginning your union with her with this seed of having lost something, having sacrificed a part of you to be with her, and I dont see how that could build anything but resentment over time. You may secure her presence in your life by agreeing to let go of this other woman, but you are crystallizing a state of affairs that you seem very conflicted with right now...

Can I ask - is the second woman open to polyamory in general and just not into your fiance or are they both set on the idea of being your only significant other?

dragonflysky 08-09-2010 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baka1216 (Post 39164)
-I worry there is no real solution and I will lose them both. Am I too selfish, wanting to love them both? Does my love for this second woman diminish the love I have for my fiancÚ? Is it just cold feet?
I've had all these questions and tons more stewing for months now and Im almost to the point where Im accepting there is no happy ending here. Maybe I should go back to being single and stop being only half there for the two women in my life.

Are you too selfish wanting to love them both? Does your love for the second woman diminish the love you have for your fiance? I would suggest that the answer to both questions is "No"...not if you're Poly! ;) That's one of the basics of poly.

There may, indeed, be a "no win" to this particular relationship situation. But, the pain of loss in the short run may be preferable to compromising how you seem to love (poly) in the long run.

FireChild 08-10-2010 07:14 AM

I'm sorry that you're here under such sad circumstances but I'm glad you're here. There's smart kind people here. *hugs* You wouldn't be so sad if you didn't care so much for both of them.


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