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-   -   Complicated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34216)

Lotta 12-03-2012 01:00 PM

Complicated
 
A little about myself. I am a single lesbian in a relationship (triad) with a married couple. We've been dating for a little over 6 months now. When I first met her it was a casual relationship, the husband and I became friends. As the relationship advanced into turned into a triad. I am not on here to complain or anything, just need advice on how to make him feel better. I don't know any other poly people to talk to. This is my first time in a poly relationship. I don't have a problem with being in a poly relationship. It's perfect for me. I am looking for advice. Am I navigating this wrong? Just so everyone knows. Everything I said in this post was already discussed.

I feel very deeply for both people. I love them very much. The complication arises when it comes to sex with him. I am not comfortable having relations with a man. This was brought up a few days ago when I said no to a threesome. He wanted to know if I only wanted a friendship with him or more. I want emotion and love from him I just cannot give myself sexually. I did in the past which is probably confusing but I realized that it makes me uncomfortable. Also I have a hard time with threesomes when they are all of the time. I like one on one time sometimes. That was my only issue with everything. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. That is one simple need/request. It's not that I am not physcially attracted to him. I am attracted to him physically, emotionally. It's just that I have a really hard time with threesome. The reason being is it makes me feel emotionally and physically disconnected. I feel left out. I like to have relations with a woman. Maybe I associate sex wrong? Maybe I am not sex positive? I feel so bad. I feel terrible that I may be hurting someone. Someone I care about. There isnt anything I wouldn't do for him and her. I am hurting because I hurt him.

Can you have a non sexual triad within a relationship? She then told me that if a triad did not exist she could never have a serious girlfriend.

They keep telling me now it is three not two and this is his wife. But it is two (husband and wife) and than there is me.
I made him feel like a third wheel not long ago which I didn't even know I was doing. I feel terrible. I've always been respectful of their marriage. I try to give them both space since they are already an established couple. I want everyone to be happy. I am happy with the both of them. I can't help it that I prefer women. I may have a little bi-sexuality in me but I will always choose a woman.

How do you navigate a relationship? I have no problems. I have no expectations. I don't require much except for to be loved and wanted.

niceinjeans 12-03-2012 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotta (Post 170281)
I feel very deeply for both people. I love them very much. The complication arises when it comes to sex with him. I am not comfortable having relations with a man. This was brought up a few days ago when I said no to a threesome. He wanted to know if I only wanted a friendship with him or more. I want emotion and love from him I just cannot give myself sexually. I did in the past which is probably confusing but I realized that it makes me uncomfortable. Also I have a hard time with threesomes when they are all of the time. I like one on one time sometimes. That was my only issue with everything. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. That is one simple need/request. It's not that I am not physcially attracted to him. I am attracted to him physically, emotionally. It's just that I have a really hard time with threesome. The reason being is it makes me feel emotionally and physically disconnected. I feel left out. I like to have relations with a woman. Maybe I associate sex wrong? Maybe I am not sex positive? I feel so bad. I feel terrible that I may be hurting someone. Someone I care about. There isnt anything I wouldn't do for him and her. I am hurting because I hurt him.

There is nothing wrong with your approach to sex (in so far as I can tell from this one post). I agree that threesomes can be emotionally disconnected, especially if all are not... ahem... involved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotta (Post 170281)
Can you have a non sexual triad within a relationship?

Yes, absolutely. I cared for my wife's ex-girlfriend very much, but she and I had a non-sexual relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotta (Post 170281)
She then told me that if a triad did not exist she could never have a serious girlfriend.

They keep telling me now it is three not two and this is his wife. But it is two (husband and wife) and than there is me.

It sounds to me like they are placing expectations on a relationship that you are not comfortable fulfilling. After all, you are a self-described lesbian. From what I have read, this is a common problem with triads that often leads to their downfall.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotta (Post 170281)
How do you navigate a relationship? I have no problems. I have no expectations. I don't require much except for to be loved and wanted.

I recommend open, honest communication. Express your love to your partners. Then, proceed to tell him/them of your desire to see him fulfilled by your relationship and of your aversion to (I assume) penetration. There are many forms of sexual expression. Lay everything on the table and grow closer through exploring other alternatives.

Hope that helps.

NIJ

Tonberry 12-03-2012 06:34 PM

The first thing that strikes me is that despite being in a relationship with not just one, but two people, you describe yourself as single.

There are non-sexual relationships, which typically involve asexual people. I assume a lack of compatibility orientation-wise would be similar to that. However, he needs to be comfortable with it, and it seems he might not be.

The situation seems pretty unfair (have sex with that guy, even though you're gay and therefore not comfortable with it, or lose the relationship with not just him, but her too), but there is no way I could justify forcing myself to have sex if I were you. I have no clue what you can do except make them see that it's not a fair thing to ask of you.

Good luck.

Stevenjaguar 12-03-2012 06:36 PM

I'm a guy in a relationship much like yours. My fiancee's girlfriend is lesbian and though I have known her and liked her for longer than I've been going with my fiancee, she has no sexual desire for me. She always made it clear that there would be no sex between us no matter how close and affectionate we get, which is pretty close since she often sleeps with us.

It's up to him to understand and accept you for who you are and to decide to love you even if he wishes things were different. Nothing's perfect: you don't always get what you want. I think you have to accept limitations in any relationship, this is just one. I don't see anything to break up over.

Lotta 12-03-2012 06:51 PM

I described myself as single because I have no primary partner. Is that incorrect? I am new to polyamory.

Tonberry 12-04-2012 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotta (Post 170355)
I described myself as single because I have no primary partner. Is that incorrect? I am new to polyamory.

I don't know that there is any consensus or "official" word or anything like that. I just think of "single" as meaning "not in a relationship", so it was a bit weird to read "I'm single, in two relationships", that's all :)

Lotta 12-04-2012 02:07 AM

Hmm...food for thought.


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