Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   envy, envy, envy (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34171)

sparklepop 12-02-2012 10:18 PM

envy, envy, envy
Hi guys. I'm sorry about the length. I find myself facing a new battle in poly. I have never really experienced envy before and I think that is what I am going through...

My GF and I have a LDR poly V - I live in the UK for 3-4 months, then with GF, her hubby and our toddler, in the US for 3 months. Last time I came back home to the UK, I found myself feeling uncomfortable when she told me sexual/romantic exploits between her and her husband. I couldn't understand why I was so upset, because it never bothered me before. Then I realised it was because I wanted to still be there with her. After about a month, it went back to normal, full compersion, etc.

I just came back to the UK 2.5 weeks ago. I had asked her to keep her and hubby's exploits away from my radar for a few weeks, but being human, she let things slip and it upset me a bit, but I got over it. Then, yesterday, she went on a very long first date with a guy I do not like. She told me all about her date today and I listened.

This is the strange bit. I felt *reassured* by what she told me. I didn't feel insecure or fearful. I felt more relaxed and less worried about any of that kind of stuff. But, throughout our talks today, she kept giving me little anecdotes from her date, like a beach walk they took in the rain, and it seemed to push me over the edge. I explained that it was making me sad, because it reminded me how much I miss her and that we would do those things together when I was there. That I want her to have fun and not wallow; but that hearing about it makes me upset. Simply that. Nothing else.

After being chipper and happy all day, she eventually tired of my sad mood and said that she thinks I hold onto things, wallow in pain, instead of looking on the bright side. I have a business with her in the US that I love, our toddler is there. When I come home, I am away from her, away from our child and have to do a pretty crap job just to earn money to keep going back. It's a complete change for me. There are many positives, my friends are all in the UK, my family, etc. But the drastic change makes me wobble and when I hear of her doing things with other romantic interests, I feel this weird thing that I can only think is envy - of them, being able to be next to her.

I'm wondering if I'm being too sensitive? Wallowing too much? Being upset over nothing? Or whether my upset is understandable? I don't want her to change anything or not go on dates. I guess I just want her to understand. Does this all sound ridiculous? Maybe I'm crazy and need to get over myself :) In which case... I'm doing well with insecurity and jealousy... how the hell does one conquer envy?!

SisterLauren 12-03-2012 02:15 AM

LDR is never easy no matter what the configuration. but it sounds like- just sooounds like, only you know for sure; that you have placed her as the sole person to fufill you romantically. While she is embracing new love as it comes as well as what she has now.

It must be hard to not be with your love all the time, and to feel like opportunities are passing you by with her while youre away. but think about who YOU may be missing out on while you are focused on this problem? maybe what you need is a walk on the beach in the rain with a new love :) stay open, stay positive, and look forward to when you see her next instead of focusing on the sadness when you're not.

i'll get to put my money where my mouth is soon, one of my husbands is deploying in february :(

good luck hun!!

sparklepop 12-03-2012 09:20 AM

Hahaha... Awww... Good luck with that!

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it. You know, that's what I thought last time... She was dating, so I started dating in England. But it just didn't fulfil me. I'm completely pro dating sites, but something was missing. It just feels so forced to me. This time, I thought I would focus more on finding fulfilment within myself, so that I wouldn't need to use empty flirtations as a crutch. Plus... I left about three broken hearts every time I went back to America... Haha... Eeeh... :-S

I'd love to be able to just conquer my feelings, without having to throw myself into things with other people, to be honest. C'est impossible?! ;)

toodles 12-03-2012 03:50 PM

It's a bit funny that you've only had one reply to this. Maybe they feel like I do, like they don't know how to overcome envy. Envy is hard. You're asking how you can stop yourself wishing it was you that was walking on the beach with your girlfriend, when you are however many miles away. You know what? In your situation, I'd feel the same way. Envy would be a problem if you were living together 24/7, 365 days a year and every time she went out, you wished it was you. But, man, you're in a totally different country FFS. Of course you going to feel how you feel. I'm not sure why your girlfriend doesn't understand that. I guess if she's got a husband and still has your child and she's seeing other people, she can't relate to what it's like for you. What you're trying to say is that it's not just that you can't see her, you miss your baby, miss your life in America, and for 3 months, it just vanishes. That's really tough and I feel for you. I'd be having a nervous breakdown if I had to live like that and deal with poly on top of it.

The only thing I've ever read about dealing with envy is to think of the happiness the person you loves is getting from having that thing. I don't know if that works, because surely you'd be even more envious, knowing how happy someone else is. I'm not even sure what you're feeling is envy. It seems more to me like nostalgia or memories. Or the simple fact that you want to be with your girlfriend. Who can blame you for that? I'm a bit worried about what you said about her going on a date with someone you don't like. Why did she go on it if you dont like him? Especially because you haven't even been back for three weeks yet. Surely these things take time and to be honest she surely could make it easier on you by waiting a bit longer. Or maybe changing something. Or even just not telling you what they did on her date. I don't understand why she would expect you to be ok when not only are you away from her and your child, but she went on a date AND went on the date with someone you don't like AND told you about what they did.

The only thing I can really think of to say is that I have sympathy for your situation. I think maybe you can ask her to keep the details to herself a bit from now on. When big things happen in life, like losing our house, starting a new job, losing a person, etc. it's like our stability is gone. You don't have a career, you say, in your home country, so you have to do rubbish jobs. That can't be fun. You don't have her, or your child, or your business... so... duh.... of course you're going to feel shaky for a bit. We all become poly by agreement and I don't think there's anything wrong with having open long distance relationships. But both people have to admit that it's going to make things worse sometimes. You shouldn't be scolded for that. She should be giving you praise, saying thanks so much for getting through me having a date with this guy you don't like when you're working a shitty job just so that you can come to see me and when you're upset because many of the things you love in life are here with me. Maybe she should try being in your shoes and see how easy it is to look on the bright side. Its nice that you want to overcome it and I hope you do. But seriously she needs to give you some more patience and love right now. Take care sparklepop.

All times are GMT. The time now is 09:40 PM.