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-   -   just need to get it out (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=34023)

karsh48421 12-02-2012 10:34 AM

just need to get it out
I have been in a poly relationship for about 6 months involving my wife and a so whom I live with. The relationship with my so was amazing, she made me feel so special and good about myself, she was always excited to see me, kissed me passionately, hugged me and never wanted to let go, missed me the second I left, the way she looked at me and smiled for me. The last couple of months things cooled down, way down, and now she barely acknowledges me when i walk in the door, and shows very little affection all at once. I asked what was wrong thinking I messed up somehow but she insists she has a lot on her mind, and was struggling with ppd before and is slipping back into it. I try not to get so down with it because I understand she is going through a hard time right now but I am having such a hard time feeling as strongly as I do for her not feeling it in return lately. We had a set schedule to spend a night a week together but lately we have been skipping it for what feels like any excuse. I can't help feeling like she is tired of me already. She still says she loves me as much as she ever has, so im holding onto that and not giving up but I really wanted to express how I was feeling.

sparklepop 12-02-2012 11:20 AM

Hi there,

So, how long ago did you guys move in? You've been in a relationship for 6 months and are already living together? I'm wondering if maybe the move has come too soon and she's either needing space or the routine of cohabiting has settled the passion early.

My GF suffered from post-partum also and to be honest... it can take a very long time to completely overcome it. Our daughter is nearly four and she only recently broke the cycle of depression, with new medication and more positive things going on in her life. When she was caught in PPD, she would have days and days where she withdrew. She was irritable and would withdraw affection. Very spacey, basically, not present. So... I can empathise with your s/o if she is going through this.

One thing struck me in what you said about her making you feel good and struggling to feel the same way for her now that she is not.

Sometimes, we can think we absolutely adore a person because of the way they make us feel. I think that's normal - it's wonderful when another person makes us feel amazing and of course, we are likely to stick with that person, because we want to get that same feeling for the rest of our lives. However, (this is just from my perspective...) I have thought I've been in love before, but actually just been in love with the way my partner made me feel. My ex girlfriend treated me like a queen, forever complimenting me, forever turning me on, basically doting on me with attention; especially sexual attention. I thought I loved her. When she experienced minor health problems, I found myself just not feeling... that 'thing'... I feel when someone I truly love is hurt. I took care of her, made her feel cared for and asked after her - but in my heart, I couldn't fully connect with her pain. When we had sexual problems and the physical intimacy started to die because she was stressed with work for 6 months, I realised that it wasn't her I loved... it was how she made me feel... how she was a mirror for me to admire myself.

Real, deep, genuine love happens when you get past that stage of 'self'. I'm not saying your selfish - please don't misunderstand me! Real, deep, genuine love brings about a genuine feeling of commitment, to ride out the quiet, unaffectionate, boring, argumentative, etc. times together in hope that you will become stronger as a couple. For me, genuine love brings me pain when they are in pain... joy when they are joyful... It's a different feeling, a different connection.

It's a difficult balance, because of course, relationships need affection and intimacy to survive. It's very important. But at the same time... particularly with phsyical or mental health issues... it's important, if you love them, to give them the time they need.

Before you even go down the road of wondering whether you can be with someone who suffers from PPD (because it IS hard), I think you need to talk to her properly, give her an easy avenue to speak up if she's not happy. If you go into it with "Don't you love me any more? You never give me attention." she will probably clam up. If you go in with something like, "I've noticed that you are withdrawing a lot from me. I am genuinely worried about you. I am trying to work out if it's your PPD, if we have moved in together too fast, or if something else is going on. Please don't be afraid to talk to me honestly - I am here to help you. Get it off your chest so that we can look for a solution."

What do you think?

karsh48421 12-02-2012 04:33 PM

We were actually friends for yrs before this happened, and had planned on moving together before the relationship changed. I still love her so much even though things have changed. We used to talk about everything , and I try to give her support with her depression but lately she will not discuss what is wrong.

karsh48421 12-03-2012 12:30 AM

And its not just the feelings I get from her, its everything about her I love, she is beautiful, funny, smart, caring, can carry on a conversation with me even though I'm a quiet guy, always puts others ahead of herself, she trusts me completely even with her best kept secrets, I have never been so comfortable around anyone before, I even love the way she plays with her hair. We didn't move in together because of the relationship, we moved in because I have been best friends with her husband for 20yrs and it was mutually beneficial.

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