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StarGazer 06-07-2009 09:47 AM

A grey area bystander
 
I'm not sure if I'm mono or poly or neither, I'm in the grey area I guess. I'm content being monogamous, but when I fall in love with someone else- I'd like to be polyamorous and express my love for that person as well. This happened recently- which got me looking into poly more.

This is a gross generalization that I apologize for- but it seems like polyamory often demands communication and honesty and being open with your partner, while too many people who are monogamous find that half-truths, lies by omission, and "little white lies" are the recipe to a happy relationship. I actually read a bit of Cosmo once- and it essentially said that a happy relationship is based on lies and manipulation, and that your man can't handle the truth.

Obviously, it's an over-generalization, and I'm sorry if I happened to get the one bad article.


About me: I'm asexual, transgendered (I love that you gave the option of putting in your own gender!), married to another asexual transperson. I didn't know my partner was trans when we met, it took them awhile to accept it in themselves, and a bit of me silently wishing they were a transgirl (they're not).


As I think I mentioned I wanted to be in a poly relationship once, very recently in fact. My partner would never be okay with that, really tried to find a way where they would be. I respect that, and, as I said, I'm happy monogamous- and finally realized that the person I wanted to add would've been a bad fit anyways, so I'm back to being content wiht my relationship situation- but still interested in polyamory and like hearing about it and talking about it.



So, hello, newb alert, sorry if that was too long or offensive. Hi.

Quath 06-07-2009 01:31 PM

Welcome to the forums! :)

It sounds to me like you are poly since you can see yourself loving more than one person at a time.

You are right that standard monogamous culture is ok with half-truths, lies by omission, and "little white lies" as part of a relationship. However, some monogamous people are starting to learn about polyamory just for the communication and relationship advise that is useful for them. (For example, a woman may be jealous of her husband looking at hot women in porn and feel jealousy. Polyamory advise tries to deal with the source of the jealousy like insecurity instead of the sympton by throwing away the porn.)

Celestemmcknight 06-07-2009 03:04 PM

A grey area bystander
 
Welcome Raviaan. Very glad to have you here. I used to live in Spotsylvania, VA several years ago. I think I spelled Spotsy right. Do know where that is? Its near Richmond.

Please post your progress on your costumes in the workshop area. Hope to here from you soon

StarGazer 06-07-2009 03:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 1658)
It sounds to me like you are poly since you can see yourself loving more than one person at a time.

I wasn't sure, because the general vibe I got from poly is not just that- but also that you crave being with more than one person/having the option, so a monogamous relationship wouldn't work. I posted my previous situation (with the person I would've liked to also be my partner, which has since passed) on a poly forum, and a person was quite insistent that if I am poly, then eventually I won't be happy with monogamy- and I don't know if that's true or not. There are definitely things I find appealing about polyamory, and if I found the right people it seems like it could be wonderful, but a much bigger thing is that I want my partner involved (not in the relationship necessarily, not as more than friends, but in my life), and if I can't find a way that my partner's comfortable with it- it's not happening.

Quote:

However, some monogamous people are starting to learn about polyamory just for the communication and relationship advise that is useful for them. (For example, a woman may be jealous of her husband looking at hot women in porn and feel jealousy. Polyamory advise tries to deal with the source of the jealousy like insecurity instead of the sympton by throwing away the porn.)
That is a good thing, and seems healthier. I think a lot of people fall into the trap of htinking that a relationship without arguments is a happy/healthy relationship- so do things like treating the symptom instead of the cause because throwing away the porn is easier than having to tackle the insecurity. The woman is happy because now the porn is gone and she's not feeling the jealousy, the man's probably not totalyl happy, but they avoided an argument- so "everyone wins". More like no one wins, but people can have their own ideas about what makes a situation work.

StarGazer 06-07-2009 03:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celestemmcknight (Post 1660)
Welcome Raviaan. Very glad to have you here. I used to live in Spotsylvania, VA several years ago. I think I spelled Spotsy right. Do know where that is? Its near Richmond.

Please post your progress on your costumes in the workshop area. Hope to here from you soon


I think you posted that in the wrong thread, Celeste. :)

ImaginaryIllusion 06-07-2009 03:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StarGazer (Post 1661)
I wasn't sure, because the general vibe I got from poly is not just that- but also that you crave being with more than one person/having the option, so a monogamous relationship wouldn't work. I posted my previous situation (with the person I would've liked to also be my partner, which has since passed) on a poly forum, and a person was quite insistent that if I am poly, then eventually I won't be happy with monogamy- and I don't know if that's true or not. There are definitely things I find appealing about polyamory, and if I found the right people it seems like it could be wonderful, but a much bigger thing is that I want my partner involved (not in the relationship necessarily, not as more than friends, but in my life), and if I can't find a way that my partner's comfortable with it- it's not happening.

I'm not sure that 'craving' is a necessary element, and I suspect the person on the other forum may be smoking something. It may be true for them...that they could never be happy being mono...it doesn't have to be true for you. Just because you are open to the idea of poly, doesn't mean you have to act on it...nor that you are doomed to misery if you decide to remain mono. And looking at your own words above, you seem to have these things already figured out...including the wisdom to recognize that relationship advice by the likes of Cosmo et al. is a recipe to the divorce & infidelity society we live in. Mono or Poly, communication, honesty, disclosure is key. Trust yourself.

StarGazer 06-07-2009 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 1664)
I'm not sure that 'craving' is a necessary element, and I suspect the person on the other forum may be smoking something. It may be true for them...that they could never be happy being mono...it doesn't have to be true for you.

I've seen stories from a lot of people who tried to be monogamous only to realize it didnt' work for them, I hadn't really seen anyone who was poly and happily monogamous- I guess they wouldn't seek out forums or I'm looking in the wrong places. :) Thanks for the clarification, and thank you for your kind words.

NeonKaos 06-07-2009 04:08 PM

This is what I was talking about in the "Question" thread.

I would actually prefer never having to deal with this again (falling in love with someone besides my husband); but it happened once, and I would rather be prepared should it ever happen again.

I'm definitely not trying to "be polyamorous".

ImaginaryIllusion 06-07-2009 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StarGazer (Post 1665)
I've seen stories from a lot of people who tried to be monogamous only to realize it didnt' work for them, I hadn't really seen anyone who was poly and happily monogamous- I guess they wouldn't seek out forums or I'm looking in the wrong places. :) Thanks for the clarification, and thank you for your kind words.

There's anecdotes on either side of the coin...for every story of a poly not being suited to mono, there's a similar story of a mono's not being suited to poly (or the more frequent cheating version that society is somehow more comfortable condoning).

As for poly's being happily mono...I can't exactly claim to be one since my own journey into poly has been tentative and theoretical at best. I appreciate the options, and the openness...a lot of it appeals to me. That said I've been living very happily in a mono lifestyle for over a decade...and I see no reason why I couldn't remain that way if I chose, either for my own sake, or that of my partner. I don't think I have enough ego/identity/whatever invested in poly to make it hard to let go of if I needed to. Such things are invested in my partner, and our relationship!

There are others I've known to be interested in poly, but choose to remain mono for their partner, and are very happy. The membership here is still growing, but I've seen them on other poly groups/lists. With all things though...time will tell.

alphafour 06-07-2009 05:59 PM

Welcome to the forum. I am a widowed guy who might be comfortable with monogamy, but choose to believe that I can love more than one woman, and would not wish to hurt the first woman since my departed wife to love me. Essentially, I have poly thrust upon me because I will always love my first wife.

I don't mind white lies. In fact I do think that there are some that are necessary, but anyone lies to me on an important detail, or with intent to hurt me or someone else, and they will get a strong rebuke.


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