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-   -   Moving....literally...forward??!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3398)

dragonflysky 08-06-2010 04:59 AM

Moving....literally...forward??!!
 
Well I did it! After living 6-7 hours away from my poly couple I made the decision to accept a job that's about an hour away from where they live. There were several factors that went into my decision to make a job change and move. Living closer to them was only one of those factors, although certainly an important factor for all of us. This move will definitely give me the opportunity to see if poly is what I really want in my life and whether or not my couple is serious about including me as another "primary", not a "secondary" over time.

We all decided that I won't be moving in with them for now. Their current house just isn't set up well in terms of having space for individual privacy when needed/desired. Also, we still have a lot of learning to do about one another. (I've certainly benefitted from the wisdom of those in this forum in that regards! ;) )

So, come September I'll begin another journey in my life. One I'd never even heard of a year ago. I'm sure glad this forum is here as I'll no doubt be pulling on the wisdom of several of you as some of the day to day challenges of poly living come on board!

MonoVCPHG 08-06-2010 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dragonflysky (Post 38777)

We all decided that I won't be moving in with them for now. Their current house just isn't set up well in terms of having space for individual privacy when needed/desired. Also, we still have a lot of learning to do about one another. (I've certainly benefitted from the wisdom of those in this forum in that regards! ;) )

This is great to hear! I love that despite all the excitement you can still pace yourself and really work on the foundation of your relationship before adding levels. Happy to hear and thanks for sharing your journey :)

dragonflysky 08-06-2010 05:39 AM

Thanks Mono! :D

redpepper 08-06-2010 06:04 AM

Wow, I am so happy for you :) that is really great news and you are being so wise about it!

I respect you for taking steps to look after yourself and them in this journey. I hope that it leads to whatever your heart desires and for what is best for all.

((hugs)) really am happy to hear that things are moving along so well. :) hope you come and catch us up on how it goes.

Care to post in the "Sharing success and happiness" thread?

dragonflysky 08-06-2010 01:00 PM

Thanks redpepper. I'll certainly be around to discuss how things are going. There's still a lot to learn and to work through. As much as "our" guy says he doesn't intend for me to be or feel like a "secondary" partner (which isn't acceptable or desireable to me), they haven't been treating me as another primary in most situations so far. They have typically made decisions and then asked me or let me know about it. Long distance relationships are challenging under most circumstances, so we'll see if my living closer makes any difference in the "primary-secondary" dynamic. He thinks it will. I'm thinking "seeing is believing".

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 09:13 PM

I can understand how being 7 hours away from a couple that lives together would push you into a secondary position. As a matter of day-to-day business, they simply HAVE to make decisions and may not always have the time to contact you about them.

I think it's great that you were able to move closer to them without moving in with them. I always worry when people make long-distance moves straight into someone's house. Dating someone is SO much different than living with them, and it doesn't always work out. So moving your life across the country to have it fail can leave you homeless, friendless, and stranded. This will give you a chance to make friends in the area.

Maybe when/if you all move in together, a new house would help you feel more like a primary? As opposed to moving into "their space" and them "making room" for you. I know that was a big factor when my husband and I moved in together. He'd been staying with me at my mom's, and I already only had my room, he basically had a corner of my room to put his stuff. Moving into a "neutral" apartment allowed him to feel a lot more "at home."

FormerUnicorn 08-06-2010 11:06 PM

Congratulations on your new job. I hope that you will be able to build a new and rewarding life for yourself, regardless of how things work out with your couple.

Jade 08-06-2010 11:08 PM

Aww:) Happy for you:)

dragonflysky 08-07-2010 01:29 AM

Quote:

I can understand how being 7 hours away from a couple that lives together would push you into a secondary position. As a matter of day-to-day business, they simply HAVE to make decisions and may not always have the time to contact you about them.
This is certainly true, but even when we went to an event in early June and were together for 5 days, they'd make a decision, e.g. who would sleep with whom when, and then tell me what it was and then ask if it was ok with me. In that situation I felt I could have/should have been part of the discussion. Also, in June they had already planned out many of their weekends for themselves for the Summer months and never even talked with me about if or when I might want to get together with them, or do things with them, etc.

dragonflysky 08-07-2010 01:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn (Post 38903)
Congratulations on your new job. I hope that you will be able to build a new and rewarding life for yourself, regardless of how things work out with your couple.

Thanks Unicorn. That's one thing I tried hard to keep in mind as I was considering making this job change and move. There are no guarantees in life and particularly not in relationships!


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