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-   -   polyamorous or just have issues? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3395)

cerisenoir 08-06-2010 01:47 AM

polyamorous or just have issues?
 
First, I've always had issues with losing interest in someone after a few months. I've been told that I'm "afraid of commitment." I think more accurately the problem is that the world seems so full of people who are attractive and interesting, I can't just stop it seems.
I've attempted poly relationships in the past, always at the request of my partners, and they've always turned out badly. Typically, my partner uses the other person/people they're seeing to try and get an emotional reaction out of me. I'm in the process of a divorce, after being with my spouse for almost three years. When we started out, my partner wanted to "see other people", which I responded to by saying, of course we're seeing other people since that's what dating is. After a while, my partner decided to be strongly against us seeing others (she would get massively jealous if she thought anyone was attracted to me, as most of my poly-requesting partners have...) Long story short, the sex went downhill after a couple of years and she ended up cheating on me. I left and of course she blames me for the failure of our marriage.
Recently (since we separated and I moved out a few months ago) I have started dating again. I'm dating men (it really upset my spouse that I've been with men in the past) and I'm wondering if I was wrong in feeling that I'm a lesbian. Since then I've had sex with one guy and it was very satisfying. Men have been asking me for dates and saying that I'm pretty, and it feels really good. I think I got really frustrated at being with someone who constantly encouraged me and manipulated me into looking ugly.
Anyway, I've recently met two men and a woman who I really enjoy being around, and who have asked me for dates. I already feel guilty for being interested in more than one person. It's too early to even talk about it with the three potential dates, but I feel like I'm doing something sneaky. They're all such great people and deserve the best. I'm afraid of being forced to pick a primary partner, when I really like all three so far.
To add to all this, I don't know if I have enough time for three relationships. I don't want to cause bad feelings and suffering for anybody. I'm already afraid to ask for a poly situation, because I don't want to hurt anyone.
I also have the self-knowledge that I'm really bad at sticking it out when it comes to difficulties and issues. Particularly with people who have poor communication skills and like to shout and carry on. Could this be my way of trying to get out of making a commitment to someone? Do I have issues? Or am I on to a good idea that just needs planning?
Please give me your thoughts and advice.

redsirenn 08-06-2010 02:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisenoir (Post 38766)
Could this be my way of trying to get out of making a commitment to someone?

Do I have issues?

Or am I on to a good idea that just needs planning?
Please give me your thoughts and advice.

Possibly. Possibly. and Possibly.

I say, why not give it a bit more time? Things will settle, feelings will mature (or not) and you will learn a bit more about yourself.

redpepper 08-06-2010 05:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisenoir (Post 38766)
I've recently met two men and a woman who I really enjoy being around, and who have asked me for dates. I already feel guilty for being interested in more than one person. It's too early to even talk about it with the three potential dates, but I feel like I'm doing something sneaky. They're all such great people and deserve the best. I'm afraid of being forced to pick a primary partner, when I really like all three so far.
To add to all this, I don't know if I have enough time for three relationships. I don't want to cause bad feelings and suffering for anybody. I'm already afraid to ask for a poly situation, because I don't want to hurt anyone.
I also have the self-knowledge that I'm really bad at sticking it out when it comes to difficulties and issues. Particularly with people who have poor communication skills and like to shout and carry on.

There I cut and pasted what you say to them. You may need to edit, but this is essentially what you say NOW, before going any further. This is being honest and open and if you respect them then I think you owe them to be up front right away, before anything goes one step further.

AutumnalTone 08-06-2010 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisenoir (Post 38766)
Could this be my way of trying to get out of making a commitment to someone?

Perhaps.

Quote:

Do I have issues?
Probably. If you have a history of relationships that haven't lasted long and haven't been fulfilling, then likely so. The only constant is each of those is you.

Quote:

Or am I on to a good idea that just needs planning?
Probably. Figure out your issues and deal with those and you'll likely find that you can then find and build relationships that work better for you.

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 08:49 PM

It could be issues, or it could be that none of those people were quite right for you, and you didn't want to waste time and energy on something that was never going to go anywhere.

Until I met my husband, I eventually lost interest in everyone I dated after 6-8 months. My first "real boyfriend" and I dated for 15 months, the last 5 of which were mostly fighting.

As for whether you're a lesbian, that's just something you have to figure out in your own time. My hunch is that if you like sex with men, then you're probably not a lesbian.

Some people are afraid of commitment, throwing away perfectly good relationships when they get too intense. Other people just have a good sense of "this is not my life partner" and walk away when the cons outweigh the pros. My husband was the latter. He had never had a relationship last more than 6 months until me because he didn't feel the connection to them.


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