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-   -   So there was a argument..... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3391)

X-User1335 08-05-2010 01:42 AM

So there was a argument.....
Well not even that. Just a moment where I (the first wife) had a moment and didn't want the other girl around anymore. Not because I don't love her, not because I don't want her in our life to, but because of other real life drama. Drama that was hard to get out of.

How do you work through this as a family?

I don't want to go into details, but I know I hurt her and I know it wasn't the right decision because I do love her and want her in both of our lives.

Arguments..........I guess they happen in mono familes and they happen in poly families. It just seems so much harder in a poly life than it does in mono. As mono we can just move on together and get over it all and forgive one another. In poly it seems so much more complicated.

I know that this isn't the end of our triad. It's just the beginning. It's the beginning of the real world and things that come with it.

Ariakas 08-05-2010 01:50 AM

Why does it have to be different? Why can't you work through it as a family? Why can't you get over it and forgive each other?

Srory I fail to see why this is different than being mono :)...

Sometimes when reality hits the fantasy in the face, you need to work through stuff. Same thing happens when people marry :)..All you can really do is communicate and work at it together as a family imho

of course this is without knowing any details...

LovingRadiance 08-05-2010 02:37 AM

Ari-I concur.

We have a bizarre quad (one member not sexually involved with the rest-ever).
See: myself, Maca *my husband*, GG *my boyfriend*, Em *my sister*

Recently we've had our share of issues.
Specifically resulting in me breaking up with my boyfriend GG.
But family is family. He's been part of our family for 17 years.
So-we all talked and agreed-yes right now a break up is necessary. He has some things to deal with. Until they are resolved, I can't emotionally handle the relationship at a bf/gf level of responsibility (doesn't matter why since we all agree).

Therefore-we sat out made a plan for how to get his shit dealt with most expediently and on we go as a family.

The thing is that too often people think of relationships as static.

"you are my husband"

and so what happens if I can't be "your husband" anymore?
Well then we end the relationship and terminate contact...

Um... .there's a better way-really I swear.

IF they can't be in that ROLE any longer-you work together to find a different role that is more suitable to the current circumstances.

When you start to accept relationships as being permanent, and the dynamic (role you hold) as being maleable then you give yourself MANY more options in resolving conflicts and problems.


redpepper 08-05-2010 05:32 AM

I think, if i am to understand correctly about your relationship being new (I hope I have the right person here).... that there might be a need to back way up, have some honest discussions with all involved... including EVERYONE. Then move forward to something a bit more realistic and tangible. Perhaps things went a little too fast into "family" mode without people getting to know each other and before everything was out of the bag about who you all are... Rome wasn't built in a day and fantasies of everything being love and roses are just that. Fantasies. That doesn't mean to say that things can't move forward, but we all come with baggage and that needs to be respected and worked through about how to handle that baggage...

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 06:28 PM

Given the information available at hand (the assumption that you're a family, as I'm not privy to whatever info RP seems to have), I also agree with Ari.

For me, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to marry my husband is to make a clear, conscious commitment to deal with every problem either one of us has TOGETHER. When you're family, there's no such thing as "other real life drama". My husband is very much a part of my "real life" and any drama that happens to either one of us is family drama, not personal drama.

This may be one of the best indicators of whether or not you truly consider someone to be family. It's easy to be close and lovey-dovey when life is good. The real test of any relationship is, how does it look when life is not-so-good?

Before we got married, we dealt with deaths in the family, kids running away, job losses, moving cities, bipolar and/or depressed mothers, personal anxiety, self-esteem, selfishness... And every issue that we dealt with together made us come out stronger both as individuals and as a couple. It never occurred to either one of us to end the relationship on the grounds of life being hard. We saw the other in pain, and only wanted to help.

HappiestManAlive 08-08-2010 09:20 AM

*waits for Violet to see this one*


Tonberry 08-08-2010 06:28 PM

I don't think argument are necessarily worse in a poly family. You have more people involved, but that can also mean more support, and more points of views to try and see the situation clearly.
I don't see arguments as a match or something like that, for me it means there is a problem and you need to get together and solve it. Sometimes it will take some one by one discussions, sometimes a talk all together.
I haven't had an argument yet with my husband and boyfriend at the same time but I have found that during a hiccough with one of the two, the other was essential support for me to get better.

This being said, I am a pivot, so they're not involved with each other (although they really get along and look out for each other) and your case might be different.

X-User1335 08-08-2010 11:21 PM

The argument is over, we made it out, and in tact.


Poly is just like everything else. This is what I've learned. You walk through things together and it either splits you, or makes you stronger.

TruckerPete 08-09-2010 11:49 AM


Originally Posted by HappiestManAlive (Post 39012)
*waits for Violet to see this one*


Seriously, HMA? I was staying out of the judging when everything was contained in the two threads you and Violet have. But to hijack someone else's and interject your own problems with snide remarks to someone you LOVE ... You're laying a trap for Violet.

Not to mention the utter disrespect this shows for the OP who's problems are no less important than yours.

I'm sure I've made your "list" now, because I have *gasp* an opinion. But hey, it looks like I'll be in very good company.

AutumnalTone 08-11-2010 02:17 AM


Originally Posted by jennjuice (Post 39070)

Poly is just like everything else.

Bingo...relationships iz relationships.

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