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-   -   Polyamory is making me mad! HELP! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3390)

Uzumakimama 08-05-2010 01:05 AM

Polyamory is making me mad! HELP!

I am 23, I love the NW, I love electronic music and dancing and poi and theatre!

I am in a mono relationship... before I met my boyfriend, I was looking into being poly... in fact I was dating alot of other people and I liked where it was going... but the more I was with this one the more I liked him and eventually we ended up together on a crazy trip into monogamy. I covet him... I've met someone that I work with so well I don't feel comfortable being poly, atleast not yet. Even if I was interested right now, how do you make those first steps and how the hell am I suppose to not feel threatend by whoever he chooses to date... it just seems like it will all spiral out of control and end badly.... mostly for me! Polyamory is hard! I am a jealous person, I want to end that part of myself but shutting down that part of me just doesn't come naturally... I FEEEEL, I am passionatly in love with this person, How do I watch him passionatly like or love another? .. I am willing but the steps seem vague and I'm not sure how to just stop being jealouse?

For the past couple of weeks there has been a girl that emails him saying sexual things including talking to him about having oral sex with him even though he says he has been adament in telling her that he is NOT SINGLE and not interested... she has been persistant... (not an everyday occurance but more then once this week)

(I would have never been the wiser if he hadn't have said somthing to me about it, by the way, but I think he felt guilty? maybe...)

finally this morning she both emailed him and posted things on his wall which I felt was blantanly disrespectful... so I said something back... I am a fairly bubbly person and I tried to be nice... I didn't fly off the handle, I didn't call her names, I didn't point fingers, I actually didn't even tell her what I thought of her and the fact that I felt like she didn't have any self respect... frankly I was just my weird self... you see I didn't want to make d (my boyfriend) feel like I was attacking her... just making it blatantly clear that I exist and if you want to be friends than fine but stop hitting on my boyfriend dammit! I can be immature and I sometimes have a hard time letting things go... did i react badly to this situation?

MonoVCPHG 08-05-2010 02:25 AM

Not in my opinion. If some one was in Redpepper's face persisting with advances after she said to stop I would have no issue with stepping in and helping her communicate with that person. I'm thinking your boyfriend hasn't been firm enough with this woman....why is that is the real question?

FireChild 08-05-2010 07:00 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 38654)
Not in my opinion. If some one was in Redpepper's face persisting with advances after she said to stop I would have no issue with stepping in and helping her communicate with that person. I'm thinking your boyfriend hasn't been firm enough with this woman....why is that is the real question?

This. Mono is super duper smart.

Uzumakimama 08-05-2010 08:06 PM

I'm not quite sure why... hes a very reserved person and he doesn't like confrontation... I guess he thought if he ignored her she would stop, he also wanted to preserve the friendship. They have known each other awhile and I think they have had sex before... actually come to think of it the only information I have about this person is what Dave has said and some photos on facebook... all he has said is basically what a slut she is... I guess that might be something to apreciate? So maybe I'm just threatend by the information I have...

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 05:05 PM

I love poi too! It's so much fun, but I need to learn some new moves. I have a great DVD but I can't find it after the move :/

Anyway, back to topic...

I would be somewhat cautious about confronting her. Most girls like that won't take it the way you intend, they'll just see you as a jealous girlfriend trying to ruin your boyfriend's fun, if she believes he's actually into it.

Ignoring someone to hope they stop works sometimes, depending on how much they care and how oblivious they are. Some people just don't get it if you're even remotely subtle. And some people are so persistent that even if you say "stop talking to me you crazy bitch" they keep at it.

Is it possible to block individuals from posting on your wall? That would send a pretty strong message! But it's also passive-agressive. I prefer assertiveness, to just outright say "I would like you to stop sending me sexual messages and posting inappropriate comments on my wall. I'm not interested in anything more than friendship with you, and if you can't behave more appropriately, I will have to end this friendship."

Uzumakimama 08-06-2010 09:14 PM

It's pretty much over. I think he stopped talking to her, she is still on his facebook and spouting out things about her lastest conquest, and how hes not a MAN... I am not a hateful person but I fucking hate the Idiosts of this world... I think he has discontinued conversation with her... I wish he would just take her off his facebook... that would make me feel better... but he thinks that is to much to ask, he views it as me trying to control who he talks to, I view it as snipping the people who cause drama in our life out of it... I have no tolerance for people who disrespect me... and I would gladly stop talking to someone if he asked me too... we are having some problems... but its nothing that I didn't expect... the first year with someone is always really hard for me... its filled with adjustments... I'm just confused right now....

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 11:42 PM

Yeah, it's always touchy asking someone not to communicate with someone else. I can understand why you wouldn't want the public slander on his page, but to be honest, people see that kind of thing as more a reflection of the speaker than the subject. I honestly don't blame your boyfriend for taking offense at the request.

If you want to avoid her drama, my advice to you regarding the Facebook issue is to block her from your own Facebook so you won't have to see her posts on your husband's wall. Now that's not what I would do personally, because I always like to keep an eye on my enemies. But I'm really good at ignoring stupid people and not allowing their drama to affect my life.

I think you can also report inappropriate posts? Not sure though...

Uzumakimama 08-07-2010 12:31 AM

I can't blame him either... But I don't want to deal with it... it wasn't that bad actually, just her calling him baby and stuff and once on chat telling him she wanted to suck him off... he also did tell her he thought she was being rude and disrespectful of our relationship but it was only after I said something, and I only said something after hearing about it for two weeks. He made me feel like I had to step in and then didn't back me when I did. Facebook is a very interesting tool in that regards... I like using it everyday and staying conected to the places I've moved away from, but it does have a sharp edge. It's enough of a staple in my life that if something negative is happening on it im constantly tuned in and I have to witness it. Maybe I should just block him from my facebook... as sad as that would make me I wouldn't have to witness anyone telling him things that I would find offensive, and he wouldn't have to get rid of anyone.

SchrodingersCat 08-07-2010 12:43 AM

Aww, that would be sad overkill :( I could never block my husband from my Facebook. Out of curiosity, I wonder what that would do to your relationship status on there?

Why don't you just block her? It will hide any posts she makes on his wall. You'll still see any responses that his other friends leave, but I can't imagine those being so raunchy?

Alternatively, would he be amenable to deleting her inappropriate posts? That's a lot different from asking him to stop talking to her altogether.

Uzumakimama 08-07-2010 01:28 AM

I am not friends with her so I can only see her posts she puts on his wall... he already erased them. It might be overkill.. but it would solve the imediate problem... if I blocked him it would revert back to single I presume which would prolly cause even more drama... I've stopped fretting though... the next time it happens I'll deal with it. I think I need to work on being less jealous...

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