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-   -   Unfortunate Events (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=339)

KYTriad 06-07-2009 01:25 AM

Unfortunate Events
I'm writing this with great dismay. As I mentioned in my introduction post, I have custody of my two girls, with little to no involvement from my ex-husband.

Now that I am in this poly relationship, my ex husband and his new girlfriend (not poly) and his mother are now butting into my life and how I have chosen to live it. I have a wonderful couple that join me in this relationship and we all parent the children well. The kids are not necessarily "aware" of the arrangements, they just know that we all love them very much. As a side note, this is a triad in which we all live together in one big house.

My ex husband has made several references to the girls coming to live with him (even though he rarely does visitation with them) and I have told him it was an absolute no. It would devestate all involved, especially the girls. He has now mentioned going for custody of the girls and I'm destraught. Even though I KNOW that I am in the best interests of the girls, I'm terrified that a judge will side with them based on societal morals alone. My ex says that the children are being psychologically abused by our living arrangement because the girls know we all sleep in one big bed.

Has anyone else had this type of experience, or know of any good resources for us to look into?

Quath 06-07-2009 03:32 AM

I have heard of a few custody court cases. One was a high profile one in which a woman appeared on MTV with her husband and boyfriend who lived with them in a V relationship. The woman's grandparents heard about ti and tried to sue for custody. The judge was going to make the woman give up her children unless the other guy moved out. He moved out and last I heard they were still fighting it. However, that was about 10 years ago. The judge was heavily critsized for pushing his personal views.

I believe that harm has to be proven rather than assumed for people living in alternative relationships. (A lot of this about from gay rights.) I believe I heard that there is a polyamory legal activist group. Maybe someone on this board knows more about it than I do.

alphafour 06-07-2009 06:54 AM

I know they had to return most of the kids in the FLDS cases. A judge is not allowed to accept hearsay, and that is what you are facing. They need solid evidence. You might want to advise your spouse on how much it will cost him in legal fees to (suggest) fight against the ACLU.

If you ask in in question form, it isn't even a lie.

"Do you know how much it would cost you to fight the ACLU?"

StarGazer 06-07-2009 10:12 AM

I'm sorry your ex is being like that- it sounds like he might be using the girls as pawns to make your life miserable rather htan out of a genuine concern for their well-being if he so rarely sees them. Though I can't say for certain, I don't know him.

I don't know hte laws about this, only that judges can frown on polyamorous set-ups. I hope everything works out!

AutumnalTone 06-08-2009 02:07 AM

First, locate a poly-friendly attorney in your area. The MNpoly site has one listed in MN, and she might be able to refer you to one in your area.


Next, contact your state Civil Liberties Union, as you might need to draw on those resources at some point.

Finally, contact some poly-knowledgeable professionals who can provide expert testimony or "friend of the court" briefs reporting that poly families are good families. The MNpoly site can probably help with that. Anita Wagner may be able to help with that, too.


KYTriad 06-09-2009 09:12 PM

I have found a lawyer who was gracious enough to guide me in my defense. Unfortunately....the advice was deny, deny, deny. <sigh> I will be SO glad when a poly lifestyle is not one that is persecuted! Thanks for everyone's help and support!

alphafour 06-10-2009 03:54 PM


Originally Posted by KYTriad (Post 1754)
I have found a lawyer who was gracious enough to guide me in my defense. Unfortunately....the advice was deny, deny, deny. <sigh> I will be SO glad when a poly lifestyle is not one that is persecuted! Thanks for everyone's help and support!

His advice was good. Any advice that keeps you out of the court room is a cost saving measure. The best idea is to have a lawyer with a backbone instead of rapid billing system. In other words, if your Lawyer can dance, it will be your ex who has to pay for the music.

Of course if he really loves the kids, which I could never doubt, he might be willing to give up everything he owns to have them. He might actually have to if your Lawyer works that way.

Mark1npt 06-10-2009 04:27 PM

KY, we won't be alive to see the day where the poly life isn't persecuted.....the Bible has a huge head start over us. The key unfortunately, as I see it, is to raise your kids first, get them well on their way in life (18 and out of the house)and then enter into a poly lifestyle. Yes, it's not perfect, but it does away with so many of the legal and societal issues of raising our kids the "right" way. Unfortunately any multiple partner relationship is looked at as a cult like living, if more than one wife or husband is involved in this country....and if there are gaggles of kids involved, well that's even more headline grabbing news for the Press.

amawaya 01-08-2011 11:14 AM

Check your state. alot of times a major change in situation has to be proven before the court will look at it. if not the case get a shark of a lawyer and a pi, and drag them through the mud. My ex backed off when a PI showed up to her house asking questions concerning us going to court. (often cheaper then a court battle expecially if they have anything they wish to hide):D

redpepper 01-09-2011 12:53 AM

(wow, this brought back some memories of old members! :D)

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