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-   -   a bit unnerved... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3388)

HCgirl78 08-04-2010 03:22 PM

a bit unnerved...
My husband and I now have a name for what we are, we discussed out love for each other and our family unit but desire to seek out other partners for well over a year before we actually acted on it. I am currently in a ongoing relationship with a friend who struggled to understand my lifestyle choices but the fact that he put alot of thought into it before starting anything with me meant alot.
He is my 3rd partner since we opened our marriage, the first 2 basically were 1 night stands as the first could not handle things, and the 2nd found a mono relationship and cut ties with me. My husband had struggled to find someone, we live in a very small town so he used dating sites. He found a woman that they talked for quite awhile online before meeting and having a sexual encounter, and once again she couldn't handle that he was married but that it was ok (she had been a mistress once and the wife found out and hunted her down)
So now as I type this, my husband is out meeting a potential ongoing friend with benefits. I have some concerns and try to express them and he listens but continues on. She is married, has a bf already on the side, but her husband is in the dark about anything. She has a lot of questions which is good and has said she is envious of our open marriage that she is so unhappy in her marriage. I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad. I voiced my concerns to my husband and he said he did have some concern but not enough to back off. he enjoys exchanging texts and emails with her and was really looking forward to meeting her. I just worry that her affairs will come out and then we will be pulled into things, her running to him sobbing over her husband's reaction (she says he is very jealous and protective) or even the husband tracking mine down somehow. I am not wrong in my thinking right? I mean he did call off meeting a woman before because she was married but not open.
I would just really like to be able to find someone that is either single and can handle our life choices, or that is in a open marriage. Our marriage is very happy and it makes me sick to think of wrecking someone else's marriage especially when there are kids involved. I told him she is to know NOTHING about us today, I don't want her to know where he works, our kids names or ages or my name even anything that could turn around and bite us.
We live a very quiet life and have no one but each other to talk to about our poly life so I am glad to have found a place I can talk about this.
He has sent a message that he is on his way home, so I guess I will hear how things went when he gets home.


NeonKaos 08-04-2010 03:29 PM


Originally Posted by HCgirl78 (Post 38555)
I am really uncomfortable with the fact she is married and hiding this. It could blow up and be so bad.

You should be. It will. Your husband is cheating with this woman. Even if you know about it, her husband doesn't, so it is cheating.

I know other people on here will have more to say about this.

Do a tag search for "cheating" and "affair". Quite a few people come on here with the exact same situation as yours. I know you said you feel alone and like no one can relate to your situation but it is far from unique. Try to avail yourself of the benefit of other people's experiences.

DazednConfused 08-04-2010 03:40 PM

I feel your pain, recently met ...chripes it's even hard to say; my wife's, boyfriend's, wife...

I'm interested to see how both our situations unfold, and how he relayed how it went when he got home.

HCgirl78 08-04-2010 03:41 PM

I know I won't feel so alone now that I found this forum.

I would be fine with it if she would talk to her husband, and then the marriage either ends or he allows a similar relationship as we have. I would say she is probably staying for the kids, which is so wrong, kids are not dumb and will pick up on things.
I feel bad for my husband as I know he has such a hard time meeting a woman he could be with and is frustrated that as a woman I had an easy time...well for the most part.

I will search the forums a bit more while I wait for him to come home

HCgirl78 08-04-2010 04:25 PM

So he is home, he made it very clear to her our concerns (more mine it seems) that she is married and she is secondary, that our life, our family is FIRST. She understands that and doesn't want to change her life. She said that she has had 8 affairs in the last 10 years ( or something like that) and has never been caught as her job is ideal that she can just say she has to step out of the office for a few hours.
I still don't like it, it feels like he is trying to justify having a relationship with her on the fact that she has gotten away with it for so long. I want him to find an ongoing relationship and hate seeing him struggle but I am just really unsure of this whether she believes she won't be caught or not.

NeonKaos 08-04-2010 04:31 PM

Wow. I'm sorry that your concerns about this mean so little to your husband.

DazednConfused 08-04-2010 04:33 PM

I guess I'm wondering is your only concern the complications if they get caught?

In my similar situation, I'm really not hugely worried about that. Frankly, if they get caught, it's because they screwed up and deserve it. It's more of "accomplice guilt" that I have issue with.

HCgirl78 08-04-2010 05:01 PM

Ygirl he did tell me if I wanted it to stop then he wouldn't see her again, but at the same time I can't say no 100% because I feel bad about it...does that make sense. I basically told him that although previously I like to hear all about his time away,this time if he did continue with her that I don't want to know anything other than when he arrives where they meet and when he leaves.

Yes dazed my biggest concern is them getting caught, her marriage then falling apart and her trying to claim more ownership over my husband which is not how we have our relationship work.

NeonKaos 08-04-2010 05:49 PM

Well it's your life, but if I had a farm, I'd bet it that I know what redpepper will say to this.

You are talking out of both sides of your mouth, though, just so you know. First you say all this stuff about your kids and safety and what if the husband find out and comes after your family, and then you turned around and say that you're not 100% because YOU feel "bad".

It's obvious to me that your gut has already told you that this is not a tenable situation, and you are allowing doubt to be planted against your better judgment.

We have to be true to ourselves because we can't escape from or avoid ourselves the way we can with other people. That's "we" the "royal" we, not "we" as referencing any particular individual(s) on this forum.

I read these stories and think "I hope this never happens to me".

HCgirl78 08-04-2010 06:08 PM

let me elaborate why I feel bad, or more so like a bi*ch. I have had more partners than my husband my whole life, not just since we opened our marriage, he let the numbers bother him. He has had one encounter since we opened our marriage in November, and she in turn after that night said she couldn't take our lifestyle choices and cut all ties. I on the other hand, had to weed through messages while watching him be frustrated that no one can get our relationship and what we are looking for. I want him to have the enjoyment I do when I am out with my bf not the frustration he has had since day 1. We are in a small town so its not that easy to find someone that even shares our thoughts. He says he will tell her he can't see her again and just wait for another woman to come along, I am still processing at this point and said we'll talk later tonight.
I don't want to hold him back from someone he has already developed such a connection with but at the same time I am unsure of the affair on her side. I don't foresee it really affecting my home or family as much as it would hers. He feels a single woman would be more dangerous to pursue and he has yet to find a woman that is in a open relationship as well.
I have made sure she has very few details about us, she only knows his first name, not my name, or anything about our kids or even where we live or he works. She offered him a business card today and he refused and said no last names...as he knows I am still undecided about things and the less info shared the better right now.
Yes I am arguing with myself I get that, this seems like it could be ongoing unlike his last time so I have more to process being on the end that he goes out because at this point only I have (except his one night) and this is all still very new to us despite talking about it for a long time before we acted on it, it is a new thing to process as things are actually happening than when we were just talking about it.

I guess I should also add the extent of our relationship, we are open marriage with casual sex although I am finding that I do care for my current ongoing man in my life more than I thought I would and am struggling myself as I adjust to things and put things into perspective. We have agreed to SAFE sex with others preferably ongoing, and that if things had become emotional/loving we needed to talk about things and see if things should continue

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