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-   -   Breaking Up (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3386)

ellie 08-04-2010 10:38 AM

Breaking Up
 
So I've posted here in here in the past and everyone has been wonderful. I really can't believe what has happened. I've been in an open relationship for a year and half, or so I thought. My ex has been seeing his secondary for around 5 months. I guess he's been putting us through a test (me and the secondary). I ended up sleeping with another guy once and told him about it. He broke up with me because he was testing me and the secondary. Giving us "carte blanche" do be open but he didn't want us to sleep with anyone else, while he could have outside relationships.

He said it's different for guys and girls. With girls it's more emotional. Are you kidding me? If he asked me to be mono I would have. I thought the whole concept of being poly was to have multiple caring relationships.

I told him I didn't want to sleep/or be with anyone else before, that he's the only one I wanted. The guy I ended up sleeping with was random and almost like a friend and I was feeling really lonely as he added a third into the mix as of late.

Any advice from anyone? I feel really confused and lost. I feel like I shouldn't have slept with the other guy. I even felt bad I did because I cared about my ex so much. I just don't get it. :(

FireChild 08-04-2010 11:25 AM

There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.

ellie 08-04-2010 11:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireChild (Post 38538)
There's a difference between poly and open. Which one you are determines how over the line you were. If you're just open, then you're guilty of not letting him know first. If you're poly and you've determine that any sex had will be within an established relationship then you'd be wrong for 1) not telling him you were interested in this guy and 2) sleeping with this guy without officially being in a relationship.


Either way setting people up to fail like your ex did (you can sleep and have relationships with other people but if you do I'll dump you) is wrong. Dead ass wrong.

If I read what you wrote correctly he gave you the option of being open but didn't actually expect you to take it. Lame.


I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.

FireChild 08-04-2010 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie (Post 38540)
I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

I did end up calling his secondary to tell her what's he's doing as she is also a mono (long story short, she didn't know about me until very recently, he refused to tell her). But I guess I look like the "crazy ex". I can't believe I wasted a year and a half on something which I thought was a loving relationship.

1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.

ellie 08-04-2010 01:08 PM

I know I am, and thank you for your words. He's been there through a lot of stuff with me and it just really hurts at the moment. I was in utter shock as this is what he wanted not me (the openness). I even laughed and asked if he was serious as that was our agreement. Just feel like I gave so much and was willing to try at a new type of relationship like this. Ugh! lol.

FireChild 08-04-2010 01:20 PM

Betrayal always hurts. Poly isn't for everyone but it's not all bad either. Don't judge the lifestyle by asses like him. :(

I'm really really sorry for what he did to you.

Ariakas 08-04-2010 03:32 PM

He should go join the Mormon church :)...

Ellie, you had a good life lesson, learned about a new relationship style and progressed yourself along the way. Take those lessons and move on, understanding that there are douche bags in the poly world or the mono world. Unfortunately we just have to learn to deal with them. :)

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie (Post 38536)
Any advice from anyone? I feel really confused and lost. I feel like I shouldn't have slept with the other guy. I even felt bad I did because I cared about my ex so much. I just don't get it. :(

You have nothing to regret. You were setup. If he were a cop, it would be called entrapment. Chances are, if his motivation was a test and you failed, then even if you'd passed, there would have been some future test that you would eventually have failed.

The whole "different for guys than girls" crap is typical misogyny. Sexist. Unfounded in fact.

IMO, you dodged a bullet. You got out after a year and a half instead of 15 years. You're free of the lying trickster, and better for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ellie (Post 38540)
I think it was more open. He didn't tell me until he actually slept with the other women. Yes you did read correctly he gave me and his secondary the option to be be open but didn't want us to take it. He said it was his way of testing us.

It's a gross double-standard for him to do something he considers inappropriate for you. Totally bogus, totally lame, totally loserville.

TL4everu2 08-06-2010 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FireChild (Post 38546)
1. He wants open communication but he didn't give it.
2. Again he set you up to fail and he's a douche for it.
3. What yall had wasn't really a poly relationship of any sort; he just used that to cover his cheating ass.
4. You're better off.

I agree with every part of this post. :cool: Especially #4

DragonPie 08-09-2010 12:13 AM

Wow.

What a manipulative asshole.

Trying to make it seem like it's your fault that something he didn't like happened even when you agreed to it is manipulative abusive behavior.


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