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-   -   If others give reason to think spouse has honesty problem? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3379)

Athena 08-03-2010 11:41 PM

If others give reason to think spouse has honesty problem?
 
How would others handle it, if it is claimed by someone that spouse has other sig others, but is denying it, despite already having agreed upon boundaries that all other relatonships be honestly discussed? I am not claiming to be in such a situation, but am interested in how folks would consider handling it?

Quath 08-04-2010 01:39 AM

I would probably ask a lot of questions. It may be that my spouse would see it as casual dating as opposed to a real significant other. Or it may be that the claim was made in error.

I once had someone tell my gf that she saw me making out with another woman. As luck would have it, I was on camera during the time that the friend saw me. My guess is that it was mistaken identity. She finally believed me but she was very suspicious.

But on the other side of the issue, this same gf had started up hidden relationships behind my back and denied them for a very long time. I was too trusting and just took her at her word. Now I am cynical enough to want to at least double check.

jkelly 08-04-2010 10:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Athena (Post 38496)
How would others handle it, if it is claimed by someone that spouse has other sig others, but is denying it, despite already having agreed upon boundaries that all other relatonships be honestly discussed?

I suppose that I'd just ask my spouse to describe their relationship with the person in detail, without relying on categories. I've certainly experienced having mismatched definitions, such as Quath suggests, cause some minor miscommunication.

That said, I'd expect to know a lot more about my spouse's love life than any other person, so I'd be rather skeptical of the claim.

redpepper 08-05-2010 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Athena (Post 38496)
How would others handle it, if it is claimed by someone that spouse has other sig others, but is denying it, despite already having agreed upon boundaries that all other relatonships be honestly discussed? I am not claiming to be in such a situation, but am interested in how folks would consider handling it?

Um, I would say to them, "hey, I have heard you have an OS or many that I don't know about. What of it? I thought we agreed to tell each other everything and be honest...?!" Seems pretty straight forward no? What's the interest in this anyways?

SchrodingersCat 08-06-2010 06:42 PM

I trust my husband's word more than our friends'.

I wouldn't even say "I heard you're having another relationship" because put that way, it makes it sound accusatory: "I hear you're lying to me". I would put it in terms of "So-and-so said this, why do you think they would believe that?"

My husband's the type of man who has more female friends than male friends, so all the numbers in his phone are either women or family/work-related. He works out of town more than he's home. It would be relatively easy for him to have an affair. But I never would have married him if I suspected he was capable of that kind of deception.

redpepper 08-06-2010 07:12 PM

You know what shrod, you are totally right. The way you said it is better. It all depends on how well well you know someone, how they well they know you and what kind of doubt you have in the rumour. For me and my husband I would talk to him this way with an air of casualness as that is the level of communication we have and how we talk to each other. Besides I wouldn't think it to be true. I guess it could be said in a way that is far more accusatoryyet to the point.

Shades 08-06-2010 10:37 PM

I've been in this situation with my boyfriend, starting when I met him, 2 years ago. He's always claimed to be very monogamous, but he's very flirtatious and affectionate with women in public, and he tends to have a reputation for being a "ladies man". This was a source of some strife between us during the first 6 months that we knew each other; we had a relationship with an expectation of monogamy at that time. I used to suspect him of lying about certain things, and would call him out on it, emphasizing, "I don't care what you do when I'm not around as long as you're safe about it, but please don't lie to me." He would just tremble and say, "No, I'm not like that. And I don't want an open relationship."

Then we switched to just taking things one day at a time and having no rules, no expectations, and no definition for our relationship. Those were good times, probably because living a more poly-ish lifestyle comes more naturally to me. I was completely in love with my guy, but I got to have some friends with benefits and do some work in the adult industry on the side. I was open and honest with him about everything, and he was accepting, and all was well.

We also went through a "normal friends" phase while we weren't living close to one another, and shortly after I returned to where he was living. We got even closer as friends and talked about everything really openly.

It became clear over time that he was right and everyone else was wrong. If he really did sleep around, he probably would have told me, or it would have been obvious. When we got back together this spring, he tearfully admitted that he had had a one-night stand during the time that I was living in another country and in a relationship with another guy there, and he actually apologized for it (I wouldn't have), saying he shouldn't have been with anyone while he loved me. He knew that I had had A LOT more action than that, but he really didn't care and was just disappointed in himself for not being as extremely monogamous as he'd like to be. There were other things, too, that made me believe him.

Now I think that he really is an extremely monogamous guy who is always perceived as a player by other guys because of what they observe in public - he gets along well with women (partly because he's pretty feminine himself) and he's very flirtatious. His female friends know that he's actually very selective, and monogamous. And these days I find it amusing that his male friends have a different impression of him (and are wrong).


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