Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Parental Assistance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33655)

CattivaGattina 11-29-2012 03:33 PM

Parental Assistance
 
Primal asked me to post this.

His mother has been giving him a lot of crap regarding being poly. To the point that everytime they talk, they end up in a fight about it. She wants to know and understand but the two of them butt heads way too much in order for it to be effective by just them. She wants to understand apparently but he feels like he's having to defend and justify his life everytime.

So he wanted me to find out if any one had links or information that's good to explain to parents about things that he could send to her.

SchrodingersCat 11-29-2012 06:41 PM

I find older people do well with paper books. The internet is full of crazies...

Get her a copy of Opening Up for Christmas. It talks about many styles of nonmonogamy in simple to understand language, with examples from real lives.

SNeacail 11-29-2012 06:41 PM

First, check out the Golden Nuggets section. There is a lot of good links there.

Second, he and his mother are NOT communicating. Each is going in circles, repeating the same thing over and over again without the other gaining anymore understanding than they did previously. This is not that uncommon, especially among family members. He needs to work on approaching the entire conversation differently. Don't get mad or offended when the other party gets confused or doesn't understand what you thought was perfectly clear, etc. They each will also have to be okay with "agreeing to disagree".

LovingRadiance 11-29-2012 10:20 PM

I second both prior recommendations.

Also, "The New Love Without Limits"-Deborah Anapol.

And

morethantwo.com has some good articles regarding poly-but he might want to read through to find the ones pertinent for her-because many are about managing jealousy and the like-which wouldn't be as pertinent to someone on the outside looking in.

Here is my explanation (from my blog) one is short, one is more in depth:
http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/polyamory/

http://aafteota.wordpress.com/2010/0...ionship-to-me/
Feel free to use pieces or parts or even use it to create a more personalized written explanation of your own.

Finally-my best suggestion is-once she has a working understanding of the basics (which she could get from the two books (opening up and the new love without limits) give her some articles/blog posts that you find which describe well what your personal dynamic/plans/hopes etc are.

Anneintherain 11-29-2012 11:24 PM

I LOVE opening up for many things, but at the very beginning introduction it talks about watching your partner fuck other people at a sex party, I would make sure that wouldn't put her off before doing that. It almost put me off bothering to read more, since thats not my flavor of poly and it led me to believe it was going to be focused on sex. On amazon you can read the second page to get somewhat of an idea what it says if you don't own a copy.

aka if she doesn't want to read about ass play when she's trying to figure out what exactly all this poly stuff is about, probably not for her. I'd go with morethantwo myself.

LovingRadiance 11-30-2012 12:52 AM

The other book I suggested Anne-doesn't have ANYTHING in it regarding the kink or other types of open relationships. It was suggested by a mono person as the book that was most helpful for him-it's an awesome intro to someone with NO CLUE. ;)

http://www.lovewithoutlimits.com/books.html

Polyamory:
The New Love Without Limits
by Dr. Deborah Anapol
San Rafael: IntiNet Resource Center, 1997
The original ground-breakingbook on responsible non-monogamy, first published in 1992; revised edition 1997. Brand new updated edition of the basic sourcebook on ethical alternatives to monogamy and the nuclear family. Draws on psychological, spiritual, and mythic knowledge from many traditions to provide a complete description of polyamory and how to practice it. Well organized, a good read, with new chapters on ethics and jealousy.

Anneintherain 11-30-2012 02:03 AM

I do like The New Love Without Limits (just havent read it recently so I didn't have anything to say about it's suitableness for a parent - I wasn't trying to say it was an iffy prospect). Maybe I am just so used to finding it difficult to get people to read books about stuff that I assume the population at large is more likely to prefer the quick fix of an internet link.

It's probably true a paper book would work better - more likely to open it up and look through it now and again, or an easier place to get a specific answer, also more chance of stimulating some thoughtful questions if she took the time to read through it.

LovingRadiance 11-30-2012 02:30 AM

Anne-I happen to greAtly like the articles at morethan two also. ;).

I think all the constructive criticism about reading materials is good. :)

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2012 10:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 169379)
I LOVE opening up for many things, but at the very beginning introduction it talks about watching your partner fuck other people at a sex party, I would make sure that wouldn't put her off before doing that. It almost put me off bothering to read more, since thats not my flavor of poly and it led me to believe it was going to be focused on sex.

aka if she doesn't want to read about ass play when she's trying to figure out what exactly all this poly stuff is about, probably not for her. I'd go with morethantwo myself.

Good point. That sort of thing doesn't phase me, so it didn't even register. OK, ignore Opening Up as suggested parent material. I haven't read a lot of the other books, but I trust their recommendation :)

While I agree that most people want the quick-internet-fix, I find that it's the opposite from people in my mom's generation. The internet, for them, is anything but quick. They prefer something they can hold in their hands. Of course, I'm completely stereotyping and probably being ageist. But sometimes, stereotypes exist for a reason...


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:33 AM.