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-   -   My partner's partner hates me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33642)

PanKraken 11-29-2012 04:52 AM

My partner's partner hates me
 
I am confused on what I should do. The partner of my partner does not like me. When M. and I have plans, she make it a point to have a fight with him. It is driving me insane! I am finding it complicated to communicate with him as she assures him that she is not upset by my presence. I do not care who he has relationships with, but he tries so hard to make her happy and I am suffering. I have tried to be tactful about telling him that I am being negatively impacted by their relationship. I do not want to send him packing as we have been together a long time, but since she moved in with him he has been less and less involved in my life and it does hurt me. Does anyone have any idea how to communicate with him without making me sound bitter?

Kraken

nycindie 11-29-2012 05:05 AM

How about saying what you just wrote here?

WhatHappened 11-29-2012 05:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PanKraken (Post 169294)
I am confused on what I should do. The partner of my partner does not like me. When M. and I have plans, she make it a point to have a fight with him.

Has she told you she doesn't like you? Has she told someone else she doesn't like you? Do you know for a fact that she is fighting with him because you and he have plans? And you believe she does so in order to....? Accomplish what?

I know that there is someone in my life who is forever talking about other people--including me--and informing the rest of the world how so and so feels, and why so and so behaved as they did...and this person is a million miles off base and just flat out wrong about other people's real feelings and motivations. And in my own life, I have, plenty of times, believed a person acted out of [fill in the blank] and later found out it had nothing to do with that. They weren't mad at me, for instance...they just found out their son had cancer....or whatever.



Quote:

I am finding it complicated to communicate with him as she assures him that she is not upset by my presence.
Maybe she isn't. Maybe there are other stressors in her life. Or maybe she is, but she aspires not to be, and would like not to be. Is she someone who was poly to begin with? Was she in his life before you or did she meet him after you and he were a couple? Is she trying to 'be poly' when she had no interest in it, simply to be with him? Perhaps she's like many here, struggling to overcome jealousy, and wishing she didn't feel that way?


Quote:

I do not care who he has relationships with, but he tries so hard to make her happy and I am suffering. I have tried to be tactful about telling him that I am being negatively impacted by their relationship.
What specific actions of his are hurting you? It might help to be able to give him concrete items to work with, rather than a vague, 'your relationship with her hurts me.'


Quote:

...since she moved in with him he has been less and less involved in my life and it does hurt me. Does anyone have any idea how to communicate with him without making me sound bitter?
"You've been less involved in my life lately, and it hurts." This doesn't sound bitter at all. "I miss our time together." That's not bitter. It's telling him how you feel about the two of you; it's telling him you enjoyed and valued your time with him.

Best of luck.

Flowerchild 07-12-2013 04:37 AM

hmmmm
 
It seems like she's getting more serious with your partner, and, yes, that will decrease his time with you. Are you merely jealous of this.....or do you feel his feelings for you are lessening? Also, are you SURE she doesn't like you....or is this insecurity speaking?

Dirtclustit 07-12-2013 10:06 AM

If you've already tried approaching them
 
and they tell you everything is fine, you may want to first be absolutely sure about Flowerchild's question. And then after that you will have to be very patient with each other if it is ever going to be able to work.

you all need to be able to find ways to approach each other with these concerns, because it really doesn't matter if it's her not liking you and perhaps unconsciously behaving in ways that impact you or if it is closer to you having insecurity issues and being jealous

both things may be happening to some degree

and there are little things that would not take much effort on either of your parts, that could have a night and day difference for both problems that may be occurring, or effectively solve the problem if it is more one sided.

it could mean the different between being compatible or incompatible metamours. But the good thing is the when people really are struggling the most, they can be very receptive once they understand you are not the enemy and really do genuinely care

nycindie 07-12-2013 10:09 AM

Well, since the OP started this thread back in Nov. '12, never made any other posts, and hasn't been back since, I doubt she'll come back to answer your questions or give an update. But I do hope things worked out for her since then!

Dirtclustit 07-13-2013 12:22 AM

I can't speak for Flowerchild
 
But I am rarely concerned with the date something is stamped with, as often a person intentionally posts so that the true date it was written is not shown.

If I think I have something to say that may help them, I post it, whether it was last year, ten years ago or three weeks into the future, because I know some people are often either very confused about how to keep tract of the day and year or else they are outright lying , and either way I don't really care as most of the time I believe they are not honestly confused about when they had written something

Being gas lighted often means everything certain people say to you is an attempt confuse or hurt you, even those you thought were your friends

JaneQSmythe 07-13-2013 02:09 AM

I have no problem with people responding to a thread where the OP is unlikely to respond. The post and the answers may be relevant to someone else's situation who is browsing/lurking.

But...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dirtclustit (Post 214575)
... as often a person intentionally posts so that the true date it was written is not shown.

What, exactly, would be the point of doing that in a forum like this where it is the new posts that are the most likely to get read? (Not that I even know how you would do that since the forum software seems to add the time-stamp automatically.)

nycindie 07-13-2013 12:06 PM

I don't have a problem. I love it when an old thread gets resurrected, and I often encourage doing that here. I just wanted to point out to FC that, since she directed her recent post specifically to the OP and was not posting a more general statement on a general topic, that the OP has never logged in again since starting the thread so is unlikely to come back and answer her questions.


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