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-   -   help?? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=33633)

horrorterror 11-29-2012 01:56 AM

help??
 
I'm eighteen and have been dating a great guy for over a year.
He is straight and monogamous, but also possibly asexual.
Now, I'm a lesbian - but before saying "you can't have a boyfriend if you're lesbian", I'm also panromantic. I date him because I like him, but I would never be able to have sex with him because I don't find him sexually attractive. His asexuality also means he is fairly distasteful of sex, and even if I were sexually interested in men he probably wouldn't have sex with me, not because he doesn't find me attractive, but because of his distaste of sex.
Recently, I've been speaking to an older polyamorous friend, and she thinks my situation was a lot like hers a while ago, and encouraged me to find a poly forum to maybe get some pointers.
Now, my boyfriend is very much monogamous, he believes that when you find the right person you shouldn't need anyone else. He prides loyalty above a lot of other things, and this makes me very nervous about mentioning poly to him, and I'm not sure about how to suggest it to him.
Does anyone have any help, or maybe any anecdotes about it?

polychronopolous 11-29-2012 02:52 AM

My first thought would be: As a lesbian dating a man, an asexual man at that, do you plan to go the duration of your relationship without any sexual contact. Does he expect you to live that was as well? It seems that, for at least one of you, that may be a very limiting expectation. Have the two of you ever talked about eachother's long-term needs and expectations?

Phoenix.

horrorterror 11-29-2012 08:54 PM

Yes, I think the both of us have decided on that, since neither of us would be comfortable with it, and neither of us saw it as a hurdle of being together. His uncomfortableness only stretches to genital contact though, so it's not like we'd have to have a restraining order (lol).

Anneintherain 11-30-2012 05:29 AM

Well - do you find it a hurdle to being together now? If not I wouldn't go out of your way to learn too much about poly if you aren't interested in exploring sexual desires or romantic desires with other people. It is natural to worry if you believe he thinks relationships should be sexually and emotionally monogamous, but people often make statements about "this is what I think" and if you ask them more questions find there are all sorts of grey borders and exceptions to what they really feel - maybe he has some of those.

I think if you are happy and content being ..nonsexually monogamous with him, it should also be easier to bring it up with him since you aren't asking for any changes in your current dynamic, just discussing a topic for the sake of discussing it. The fact that you are nervous to bring it up does somewhat imply to me that you are not so sure this will work long term for you, usually for me at least, being nervous is correlated with hoping for a specific outcome.

SchrodingersCat 11-30-2012 10:21 AM

Anne makes a good point. If it's not an immediate concern, just something you're idly pondering, then I would bring it up as rhetorical/hypothetical. Let him know right off that there's no pressure to agree or feel a certain way about it, you're just exploring concepts.

horrorterror 12-01-2012 02:01 AM

That's the thing, I wouldn't be happy being sexually inactive, and it's pretty much the reason I'd like to bring up the concept with him. He's recently said that it seems polygamy is being more accepted and though he'd prefer monogamous relationships he can see why people have polygamous ones, which might put me at a better standpoint for talking about it?
But, really, it isn't a hurdle right now as I'm not feeling much of a pressure for sexual activity - but I can't see myself going long term without it, even though it does not pose much of a threat against our present relationship.
I'm more nervous about the possibility of him taking it badly and him not trusting me again more than anything.

Anneintherain 12-01-2012 05:07 AM

Well if I was sure I did not want to have sex with a partner and they knew they wanted to have sex at some point, I'd want to know sooner than later. That way both parties can make a conscious choice about what they want to do about it instead of going along assuming everybody is happy about the arrangement permanently. Perhaps he already knows you can't see yourself going long term without sexual activity?

InsaneMystic 12-02-2012 03:58 PM

Hiya,

I'm pretty much in the position of your bf (except for not being into monogamy at all). I'm biologically male and asexual and happily together with my partner (R., sexual, she's much more into women than into guys), going a tad over four years together now. No sex between us happened in those four years, and none is going to happen in the future either.

I'd consider it more than a bit selfish if your bf, as the asexual partner in a mixed 'ship, would insist on monogamy. I certainly would feel terrible if I cut off R. from living out her sex life; that's not in my place to do, partner or not. I'm certainly entitled to say she can't have sex with me, but that's it - my authority ends right then and there, her sex life with other people basically is not my business but hers, and hers alone. (I'll always be there to talk about it if she wants, offering my perspective and support, so that's not a call for outright DADT; but I do trust that she's a grown up woman who can handle the day-to-day in her relations with others, including their sexual aspects, without me meddling in them.)

If you're unhappy about the prospect of living without sex completely (which, much as I can't personally relate to the feeling, is totally understandable), you two should talk about it... sooner rather than later. Honest communication is key to make any 'ship work - and in your sitch, between partners whose sexual orientations clash, it's even more urgently needed than average. It can work - R. and me show that it can, but I doubt that it can if you're not honest about your needs and wants.

All the best to you!

SchrodingersCat 12-03-2012 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InsaneMystic (Post 170047)
I'm pretty much in the position of your bf (except for not being into monogamy at all). I'm biologically male and asexual and happily together with my partner (R., sexual, she's much more into women than into guys), going a tad over four years together now. No sex between us happened in those four years, and none is going to happen in the future either.

I'd consider it more than a bit selfish if your bf, as the asexual partner in a mixed 'ship, would insist on monogamy.

Good point. I think it's fair to say to your boyfriend "Look, I'm a sexual being. I can tell you that I will not be satisfied, in the long term, with having no sexual relationships with anyone. So we need to decide right now if this is off the table permanently, in which case we need to part ways so I can be who I am, or whether this is something you're willing to work on so that one day we can be in a loving relationship together, but I'll be free to express my sexual needs outside that bond."


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